my MARFAlous life

Draw Near

2011-08-15T06:33:00.002-05:00

In the past few weeks, I have been more susceptible and open to God's voice. Campmeeting this year was very different than last year - it was NOT the first year without John, I was NOT dating someone who also goes to CM, and I am in a much healthier, stronger, and more lovely place than I have been in the past. Campmeeting, being different and new for me, was very much anticipated by myself for the spiritual renewal and connections that traditionally occur in the sacred campgrounds. Being surrounded by life-long friends whom I see as family, my own family as well, and the glory of God all around makes it difficult to not see and taste the love of God.

This summer was a great one - filled with new people, new experiences, and getting settled in. This weekend was the first chance I have had to just BE here in Midland - no agenda, just relaxing and working on my GRE preparations (yes, I am taking the GRE...PRAY!). It was not until this weekend that I realized how exhausting my summer was! Being new in town and working all week and going out of town on weekends and establishing new relationships - all of these things are good and fun but wear down the body. I used the past three days to recover and refresh myself. I had a few good, strong cries (do NOT see "The Help" if you are not in a cry mood...you will fail), dug into the Word a bit, cleaned house, and had some time to sport my swimsuit - FINALLY!

In Bible Study yesterday, we discussed James 4: draw near to God and He will draw near to God. God is just like any of us in the fact that He wants us to show need and affection towards Him. Haven't you ever been in a relationship where you felt that you were the initiator of time and attention, so much so that you pull back until they clue-in and share the role of initiator? God is similar - He wants and hopes for us to draw near to Him, to share our thoughts and worries and plans and tears and laughter. He created us to worship and love Him - He in turn loves and protects us. It is only you and the Spirit that truly KNOW you...and manytimes only the Spirit KNOWS you because he knows what you have yet to see and experience in yourself. Seek the face of God. Listen to his direction and words. Soak up His Grace and Loyalty.

Right now I am very much at a place of NEEDING to listen to and hear from God. Life plans are changing, I am growing, and I am needing direction from the One who knows me best and has the Big Plan for my life. Are you open to and aware of God's voice and direction in your life? Let us each pray for open eyes and open ears, for open arms to the presence of our Father.

Marfa means...I need to get back out there! My soul is ready for some Marfa refreshing!

2011-07-26T19:25:00.003-05:00

Since my last post, much has happened and I have stayed delightfully busy. I have made four trips to Marfa since moving to Midland, gotten settled into my apartment, overcome the initial exhaustion from a fulltime job, and have even started meeting some new people. There have been a few nights out, many new restaurants tried, and community events attended like the local baseball games and concerts. So far, so good.

If anything, I know that I am exactly where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing at this point in my life. Will this job be my lifetime career? Who am I to say this early on. Am I involved in the community and socializing like I did in LUbbock and Dallas? That will take more time than six weeks. But, the important thing is that I feel good, strong, and know I am where I need to be. From here, things will fall into place and, hopefully, God will show his desire and plan for my life incrementally along the way.

Here are a few things I already love about Midland:

- My friends around town at the various body shops and dealerships we work with. Gus is my favorite. He works at the store where we get oil changes on a very regular basis...I think he has a crush on me.

- Open skies. Driving to work each morning on the loop allows me to see the openness around my new town. The sun is always creeping up as I drive to work and is a bold, vibrant orangey pink color. When there are clouds, which is not too often, they color the sky in hues of pink, orange, and blue as the sun beams through. This is not something one sees in the big city where skyscrapers and telephone lines spot the sky. Only a place open and separated from most of civilization such as Midland can offer such a view.

- Community. Midland, though a "city" in lay-man's terms, remains tightly knitted like a larger town. There are many community events and opportunities to see, taste, and feel the local culture. To not take part in the various experiences would be a loss as there is a large variety - baseball games, music in the park, Saturday morning farmers' markets, festivals, and local restaurants.

- Trucks, boots, and perfectly fitted jeans - need I say more?

- Dry heat - I can't STAND humidity.

- and a big one: being centrally located to all of my family. Already, I have gotten to attend a funeral, birthday party, dinners with the grandparents, and have my family stay the night with me because I am close enough to West Texas and am on the way to West Texas. I am perfectly placed to see my family as they head out to Marfa for a weekend. I am conveniently close to my grandparents and my people out West if something should happen or they might need me.

This post is strange but, I realize more and more, that I too am strange. I just missed writing and have not had much free time to sit down and type away - a blessing and a curse perhaps? I will now continue to pass the evening with a goblet of vino and a good book. Let's just hope I do not doze off too soon...

Marfa means...the grand central station for my family at large.

Midland Mornings.

2011-07-06T10:23:00.003-05:00

Not only is it Hump Day (Wednesday for those who don't know...) and wedged between two weekends in Marfa, I did not have to go into work today until noon. Because we work long hours throughout the week, each of us has a "flex day" to sleep in or leave early. Not only does it keep our hours at a decent level but it keeps us from getting burnt out, allows errands to be done, and catch up on leisure time to refresh ourselves. I don't mind the longer days knowing that one morning that week I can NOT set my alarm, work out if I want to (ha!), go out for breakfast, get things done, etc.

Today I opted for sleeping in, getting dressed for the day, and spending a few hours at a cafe I have been reading about. Harvest Caffe sits among boutiques, yoga salons, looming trees and older Midland. It is a quaint area that reminds me much of a bigger city - maybe even Dallas. I have read and heard of Harvest so opted to spend my free morning with my trusty laptop, a good book, and an iced coffee by my side. I love this place already. The walls are painted in deep, rich colors with italian art and overstuffed, rich furniture. The muffins and treats look just as delicious as my coffee really is and the food menu has won me over without even trying anything! There is ample table space for various groupings, good lighting for comfort and working, and - my favorite part - a sitting area with a wood fireplace as the focal point. Beautifully decorated, this little caffe will see my face many times in the future - especially as it cools off and the fire calls out to me.

A group of women, all in their fifties I am thinking, has been sitting a few seats down from me. I must keep my grin and chuckles to myself as they remind me, in a BIG way, of what my mom and her friends must be like together. I guess they just left the yoga studio as their attire is cute but practical workout gear. Not to mention they are discussing a great need for a shower as they have dried sweat on their skin. Lovely - and so hilariously real. I now know of more than one random child, grandchild, new fiance, and upcoming family vacation for these women. How fun to have a group of girlfriends to get together, celebrate friendship, and chatter (probably even brag as well...) about their families and joys of life. My mother can't help but come to mind as I listen and observe these women. I can only hope for such community and fellowship when I too am 50 years old. What a blessing and gift in life.

This little town continues to capture my heart. I am still greatly on the lookout for social outlets other than work but the other things, not just a need for people to know, have won me over. This caffe and it's entirety for one. Then there is the community gathering at each Rockhound Baseball game. Missy and I went to the game on the Fourth of July and watched as the communities of Midland, Odessa, and surrounding towns gathered to support their minor league team, enjoy celebratory fireworks, and honor those from the area who have both given their lives and continue to serve overseas for the sake of freedom. What a great experience to be a part of. Not to mention having one of my best girlfriends share in the delight of bursting firecrackers, baseball popcorn, and cute baseball players.

Well, I am having the Dallas in me come out as I need to go poke through the nearby boutiques. There are some beautiful clothes, shoes, and accessories just waiting for this twenty-something to let the City in her come out for a moment. I might love my small town lifestyles but I can't help but appreciate some quality shopping! Enjoy today - it is the middle of a good, holiday week and a beautiful day. Let the love and blessings of the One who gives us such goodness shine today.

Marfa means...a place where I get to be with people who KNOW me. It is a place of emotional refreshment for me time and time again.

my new surroundings

2011-06-13T20:22:00.002-05:00

Well, I made it. I have moved out of the house in Lubbock, into the much smaller apartment in Midland, and have even gotten all my boxes and bags unpacked. It's not totally done as the wall hangings are gonna have to wait - I need a break for a few days! But, I am settled and comfortable in my new digs. The last time I lived in an apartment, there were four girls in one little place. Though we all had our own rooms and bathrooms, it was tight quarters with many personalities at their max strength! This new one is all mine, has a lovely and spacious balcony, and a working fireplace. It makes me a TEENY bit okay with the cold weather that will embark eventually.

Living by myself is a catch-22. While I have my own space and can do what I want, when I want, I miss living with someone. It is weird to come home at night and know that I will not be seeing anyone until the next day. It is weird to know that I CAN walk around sans-clothing or watch whatever movies I want or not clean the dishes if I just don't feel up for it. There is something dramatically comforting and peace-bringing about having another body with you at night. I miss you, Rachel!! You and I lived so well, so healthily, so smoothly together. I knew I could never have a new roomie because they would only ever disappoint compared to how well we lived together.

Started my job today at the branch I will be working for the next while in my life. I had a great time, we stayed busy, and I am excited to get to know these people I will be working with for the coming months - maybe even years. There is an energy with the corporation and the individuals that I work for, and with. It will be a wild few weeks as I get situated and comfortable with the job but lots of energy, lots of new experiences, and hopefully lots of fun.

Alright, just needed to get in a quick update here. I have a summer project I am working on so I must proceed for my daily dose of project-work. Hope you all are enjoying summer and soaking up the sun!

Marfa means...I get to be there in less than 3 weeks!!!!

2011-05-19T15:58:00.002-05:00

You know that feeling we all have as Christmas approaches? The one where you anticipate this particular holiday ALL year long, plan parties and meals and outfits, think about how much each member of your life means to you...? And then, do you know the feeling that you get on December 26th when you wake up and realize that it's all over? All the planning and partying and socializing and wrapping has reached it's purpose and is over for the year? It's a feeling of near defeat when you realize that all you have planned and thought and hoped towards has been accomplished...

Graduation was similar to this feeling. Although, unlike Christmas, there will not be a renewed cycle of all the planning, paperwork, anticipating and goodbyes in 365 days. You get one college graduation to look forward to and then you are set off into the real world to see what it's really like out there. I reached my ONE college graduation. It was a great weekend full of family and friends, excitement, celebrations, good food and some good wine. With all the fun comes some interesting emotions, thoughts, and feelings towards this turning point in my life.

When a student graduates from high school, everyone tells them how they are all grown up, they are entering the "real world", and that things will be different from now on. Personally, I find this to be pretty much completely untrue. College is very similar, socially, to high school - only better. For the most part, you choose your schedule based on when you do or don't want to go to classes. You are expected to first and foremost be a student - even when there is a job or other responsibilities involved. You live with friends and create your life around them and your social desires. It really is the life. It is not the "real world" - it is the "ideal world." Being in college was a blast and similar to a little bubble around my reality and how I wanted it to be.

The real change is AFTER college. For the first time in my life, I got to CHOOSE what comes next. It is a very surreal moment when you realize that there is really no norm for what to do next. After high school, there are two "norms" to choose from: college or get a job. After college, the opportunities are endless: travel the world, join the military, veg on mom and dad's couch til they kick you out, get a job, get an internship, continue with further education, don't graduate and get another degree...There are MANY options and they all work in today's society. Yes, people want to hear that you have a job and when you will be starting. But, there is no longer a force driving you to choose between limited options - there are so many options that you must decide for yourself what is the best and where you want it to take you. It is this freedom, and lack of guidance, that seems to be the most difficult feeling for my graduated peers and myself to grasp. We have total control over where we go next. For the first time, we get to...and we have to...choose for ourselves how to begin this next era. Strange. Surreal. Invigorating. Scary. Call it what you want but it is a sense of freedom - whether good or bad - that any graduate from college receives along with their diploma.

Yes, I am very excited and ready for this next phase. I am so ready for my job and new little life to start that I made the odd request to start as soon as possible instead of requesting one more summer vacation period. Maybe I will regret this in a few months, maybe not. But, for right now, I know that the job I chose, the town I chose, and the time to start that I chose are all right for me at this point in my life. It is a very freeing feeling to know what you want and to be sure in the big decisions you have made. I hope that my younger friends are able to feel the same security and decisiveness that I have experienced throughout the process of figuring out what to do next. It is important to be both honest with yourself and those around you on what you expect out of your post-college life. What hours do you want to work? Where do you want to live? Is it important to have standard work weeks and holidays or is that not so important as a fun, exotic job title?

Along with the excitement of moving on has come a huge feeling of loss. I have hidden this pretty well - it is much easier and more fun to be excited about the next phase of your life. However, I love my life in Lubbock. I love the grocery store I frequently shop at and eat at...my landlord who has taken great care of me for two years...my mentor and friend Sally who's loving and vivacious spirit has blessed me for three years...my life coach and friend, Gabi, who's office and guidance I will greatly miss...my best friend and roommate with whom I live so well and have such a great system of just living together...my tres amigas group that lifts me up and makes me laugh on a regular basis...my ADPi babies who bring so much love and joy to my life. There are just so many people and places I have grown to love and expect to be a part of my daily life. It is not that I think the relationships are over - it is that I know they will now be different and we will need to figure out our connections within the changes.

But, with a garage full of all my packed belongings and an apartment in Midland awaiting my arrival, I will embrace the new places that will soon become my regular places, new friends to drink wine with, and a new routine to fall in love with. I will always love my peeps from Lubbock and will strive to maintain our love and trust within the friendships. That is a no-brainer - afterall, I am just not good with goodbyes. There were no goodbyes, only farewell until our next encounter.

And now, we are off to Scotland!! Ten days in Scotland to celebrate many things within our family. Think of this Marfa gal and her family as we travel trans-Atlantic to see our ancestoral homeland.

Marfa means...only 2.75 hours from Midland!!!

Jack & Diane's - a total dive.

2011-04-28T22:52:00.002-05:00

Tonight I finally got to experience a bar/restaurant in town that has been on my mind for months. I hear commercials and reviews on Jack & Diane's all the time and have wanted to see this place for forever! So, tonight Missy, Lauren, and I decided to head that way for a cold beer as we head into weekend mode.

Even after driving through the prairies to get there, I knew I had found a good match for myself. This place is a total dive with a great vibe, lovely outdoor seating, open room, and good bands most nights of the week. The crowd was very sparse but, it is a weeknight after all. The bartender says they stay pretty full on weekends so I will have to make sure to try it one weekend when I'm back in town. Though I had already eaten, the food looked amazing and made me wish I was still hungry! Anyone searching for a relaxed and very local place to hang out, this is your place.

It's always good to try something new - especially when it's supporting the "locals" and different than other options.

all consuming fire.

2011-04-13T17:44:00.002-05:00

In my beautiful oasis called West Texas, devastation has struck. Homes and livestock have been lost, men and women have spent four days straight fighting and risking their lives. Federal assistance and communities from all over have stepped up to help in disaster relief and man power. On Saturday, a huge and terrifying fire consumed over 100,000 acres of ranching land, 20 homes, and who even knows how many animals. It has been a long four days for the communities in the Far West Texas region after fighting to defend their land and lives from the flames which know no limit. The smoke alone caused highways to shut down and damage to individuals' health. Thanks to no rain for seven months and high wind speeds, the fire had easy access into the lives and memories of so many people.

As I began to learn about the travesty that was happening out west, I became obsessed with learning anything I could about the fires. Are all of my friends and family safe? What about their homes? Are the firefighters safe and getting the supplies they need? Where is the fire located now and what direction is it moving in? There were many questions followed by much angst and answered via Facebook and online news pages. I have been truly obsessed with gaining more information and more knowledge on the fires back home. Two nights led to little sleep and my days have been spent on my computer or phone to get the latest news. Whew - it's been rough! And if I have been like this, then I just cannot even imagine what it must be like to actually be THERE, actually see the damage and devastation for myself. It has consumed many of our minds and hearts for the last four days - and will continue to hold residence as the reconstruction of lives and communities goes forth.

Interesting that this fire has been so consuming. And yet, there is still a more alive and intense flame that ticks at the lives of people everwhere. It is the ALL consuming fire who gives us life, rather than taking it away. He gives us peace rather than onsetting fear and anxiety. He creates new life from the destruction of life - just as new life will come from the destruction of these west texas flames.

I have just been struck by such a justaposition (did I use that word right?? Sounded good - but who knows!) of the beauty and evidence of God's presence. Even in disaster, may His glory shine. Father, I pray for the hearts and spirits of those affected by the fires. I pray that you will bring them to You through this disaster. I pray that they will have renewed strength and will soar on wings like eagles. Carry them through Lord, carry them through.

I'm a big kid now.

2011-03-11T07:46:00.002-06:00

Well, it's official: I am going to graduate from college...WITH a job! I had my third and final interview with said company on Wednesday and was offered the job following the interview. I accepted immediately. I wanted them, they wanted me - perfect match for a first job.

With this new job, I get to move to Midland. Other than the oil men and women out there, I think I am one of the only ones who ASKED to move to the Tall City. There are just so many positives about moving there that it only seems right. I have spent months pondering the aspects of a job and location that are important for me to have, the quality of life I expect from a company, the company culture that would be best for me...and this fit seems right. Very right. Midland lets me be only three hours from the place I NEED to be (Marfa, y'all)...let's me be near an airport and major interstate to connect me to all the people in my life (mom, dad, brother, sister, loves from life)...still has the small city vibe without being a CITY which overwhelms me these days...grandparents living in the same city...DRY heat...west texas spirit. The list goes on so I will spare you now. Just know, this is a good thing. Incredible to be graduating from college in this economy and spirit with a job in a stable company with direction and purpose to get me into management. Let's all put on our party pants and get excited. I sure am.

Ok, that pretty much sums up this week for me! Wednesday's interview loomed ahead at the first part of the week and this second part of the week was just exciting and fun and a feeling of relief. I have a job. My hard work has paid off. I got the job I WANTED in a location I WANTED. Things are good for me...great actually.

Love to those who stay tuned!

Marfa means...ONLY THREE HOUR DRIVE!!

bicycles.

2011-03-09T12:34:00.002-06:00

After nearly four years as a college student, there was one thing that most students do that I had never done...before today. Though I learned how to ride a bike at a very young age, I haven't done it in YEARS. I outgrew my purple speed demon years ago and just never needed to bike. Wait, that's a lie - I did in Marfa a few times because my car was broken but other than that, it's been a while. Most students at least had a bike at one point or another in college but I have always just walked to class. I figured that in the time it took to get the bike ready to go, bike to your destination, and lock it up, I might as well just walk! But, now that gas prices continue to rise and it's GORGEOUS outside, I opted to attempt this popular mode of transportation.

Though I do not live far from campus, it is still a good 15 minute ride to where all of my classes are. Not bad - but more than a short walk from my parking spot to the classroom! Today it was a little brisk out with hopes to be a beautiful day (turns out, it is!) so it seemed to be a good trial run. If I didn't do well on such a beautiful morning, I definitely wouldn't with wind or heat or rain. The elements and I don't mix well.

Aside from riding into the wind and nearly getting creamed by a lovely BMW, I loved it! How peaceful to just cruise along the neighborhood I have called home for over two years now and just breathe the fresh air, hear the sounds of a Wednesday morning, say hello to the old man standing outside his house...it was great! I can't believe it took me this long to bust out the bike and save a little gas. Plus, burning a few extra calories AND seeing my leg muscles lookin so good while peddling doesn't hurt :)

Get a bike. Save some gas. Love life.

Marfa means...even when your car is busted, you can still easily get around. So nice!

Hold on to your seats!

2011-02-28T09:04:00.003-06:00

How has this happened? How is it that a WHOLE MONTH has passed me by since I was last here spilling my heart and mind? Honestly, I knew it had been a little while but...a whole month?? Wild. Time REALLY does fly by.

In the last month, I have been very busy. Not bad, stressful busy at all - just lots of interviewing (always a good sign), meetings, traveling for interviews (also, good sign), and livin' it up for my last few, sweet, precious weeks as a college student. I was about to say as a Red Raider but, let's be real, that would be a lie. Once a Red Raider, always a Red Raider. I may not be the biggest sports fan or know all the trivia of my school. But, one thing I do know: I love Texas Tech. I love being apart of this community for the last four years. I love the Scarlet and Black, the Matador Song, going out on Broadway with all the others who enjoy a good marg, and just being in this town. I am getting sad to leave but have found that, while we must acknowledge and be aware of our feelings, we cannot dwell on the sad parts or the big change ahead. That just get too depressing and scary. Rather, I am excited for the freshness, to meet new people, to be a big kid, to have a new norm for a while.

In the coming weeks, I have some epic experiences. Here's a quick run-down of my life and the excitement that happens between now and the end of May...:

Marfa: 6 days. Girls trip. Me and my ladies, Lauren and Missy. Marfa - please, put on your safety belt. We are ready to dominate.
Orlando: 21 days. Family time. Harry Potter world. Basking in the sun - what more could a girl ask for?
Vegas: 25 days. Need I say more?

LJT Music Festival: 10 weeks. A weekend of good music and excellent company. Lucky me.
Graduation: 13 weeks. The sweet realization that a) I am done with school...b) I am "responsible and educated"...c) a job will require my full attention for at least 45 hours a week. Whoa. Bring it!
Scotland: 14 weeks. Family trip to see our "roots." A break from the heat of Texas Summers to bundle up, drink some quality whiskey, and see the world with my padres and hermanos.

Lucky me, right? I am very blessed to have so many fun and exciting events ahead. What's going on in your life to be excited about right now? Even if it's just a yummy bowl of ice cream or a weekend to be lazy, don't forget to look forward to life.

Marfa means...a place I can always come home to.

JUMP start.

2011-02-04T15:36:00.003-06:00

One task in life I always dread but, at times, cannot escape: jump starting a car battery.

I know, I know - this only is further evidence of my tendency to be slightly ridiculous in certain moments of life. But come on - my whole life I have been warned that, if done wrong even just slightly, you and your car will BLOW up. I am okay with dying if that is my time but...I would rather it not happen by messing up a recharge and being blown to bits! But, alas, I bet the worst that would happen is some sparks and a shock...but that's reality and, in times of peril, we forget to stick to reality.

So, Missy and I held on to our fates and went for it. Her car hadn't been driven all week - we thought it was just cold and hibernating, thus it would not start. I guess her dad was right - it really was the battery, not the below zero temperatures. Needless to say, we survived the experience. Albeit, there was much drama and laughter and anxiety throughout the ten minutes it took to restart her car.

Wouldn't it be cool if life provided us with a Jump Start option? Just plug your brain or heart or body into an active source of energy and you'll be good to go? Thing is...though we might not be able to just plug in and recharge, we do have things that act as the source of energy. Some find immediate energy in a delicious mug o' joe, a brisk walk or jog, a good movie to calm the spirit. Those are great for the short term burst of energy necessary to finish the long day ahead. But, the real "recharge" experiences take time. It took me nearly a year to really and fully recharge from life's hits. Sometimes it takes many years. But, what is necessary in all cases, is a desire to combat the lag in energy or desire and to push through to find the source of energy...to let that source take over for a while so you can just be still and let yourself be refreshed. With Missy's car, it took a few minutes of letting my battery recharge her battery. With life, it often takes time, also, to really flood your mind and spirit with the strength to keep going.

Marfa means...an oasis of refreshment and strength.

Baby, It's COLD Outside.

2011-02-01T11:31:00.002-06:00

It is currently 11 degrees...feels like negative 10 degrees.

That is VERY cold.

Especially when you consider the fact that there is 35 mph winds...

and the back door is frozen shut.

In other words: what a great excuse to NOT do anything productive, watch multiple movies, eat delicious food, and be lazy.

Note to self: do NOT buy firewood from 7-11...do NOT get excited about a cozy fire on the morning of a snow day...do NOT attempt to build said fire when the wind outside is blowing at 35 mph. If you do these things, the smoke from the firewood will get caught in the stream of wind coming from the chimney and will smoke out your house. Then, to rid your house and lungs of all the smoke, you will have to have the front door open...when it is -11 degrees outside. And, even though you WANT the fire to just go ahead and put everyone out of misery by dying out, the opened front door will only add to the oxygen in the house which will then feed the fire...so it will never end. You see the viscous cycle this is? Fire smokes up house...front door is opened due to suffocating smoke...fresh air, though it eats up the smoke, feeds the fire and freezes said fire-builder...door must be closed due to frigid temperatures and no more smoke and big cozy fire...smoke assumes suffocation mode.

So, moral of the story: don't get excited about a cozy fire on a lazy frigid day. It will never measure up to your expectations.

Stay warm and cozy!

Marfa means...t-minus 11 days for girls' weekend :)

seeing life with a clearer view.

2011-01-30T13:56:00.002-06:00

Taken from my archives...originally composed sometime in the Fall of 2009:

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” (love this quote.)

Tears are the purest THING I can think of. It is in the truest moment of emotion that one sheds tears. They are the most tangible and visual representation of life’s most true and heart-felt moments. One could say that they are the tangible created by the heart. It is in the midst of tears that we shed our emotions for others, and for ourselves, to both taste and feel. Others see when our hearts have had a moment of too much – whether that is too much happiness to contain, too much fear to avoid, too much pain to pretend not to feel. It only takes a slight second of “too much” to trigger the tears and overflow of emotion.

When a person cries, they are exhibiting emotions in a visible manner. And though tears come from an inability to contain the strength of emotion, it is a strength to allow oneself to become vulnerable to themselves and those around them. It is not easy being so vulnerable. When you cry, everyone knows something is off, abnormal if you will. Maybe you are tearful at a wedding or a birth for the happiness and sweetness of the occasion. Maybe the tears come in the midst of heartbreak or a death. Perhaps, there is just so much stress and expectation in life that you cannot help but to let it all out – assume fetal position and let the tears loose. Either way, it is not easy or comfortable to know that you are showing or feeling so much emotion, or experiencing such a real, pure moment. We all know that tears make a person vulnerable to others because it shows that the one crying is actually feeling something. In a society where life is hectic and people prefer to pretend everything is okay, it’s odd to show that, in fact, something is not okay within yourself.

We are able to see the tears on someone else and to see them fall from our own faces. Little glistening balls of salt water that represents so much more than a body’s natural reaction to things or weakness. You see, we can only hold back the tears for so long, can only avoid the moment of emotions gushing and pouring out for so long. Thus, when the emotions finally become too much to hold it, the tears have crossed physiological reasoning and become something of the heart and soul.

We can taste the saltiness of the tears as they roll from our eyes over cheekbones and onto our lips. For centuries, salt has been used as a preservative to give a longer life and durability to a substance that our bodies need and crave. Likewise, the ability to show our most private emotions occurs by shedding tears – they act to preserve the heart from too much pain, too much happiness, too much fear. It has been said that a little table salt will help to remove stains and clean furnishings around the house. Just a little dash and magic happens. Salt can be used as a flavor enhancer in the culinary world. If something needs a little extra kick or just a dash of “something else”, add salt. It puts the acids to work, brings out the reality and purity of the flavors. Perhaps tears work the same way. By letting them freely fall, the stains of hurt and unknowns, the burdens of holding in so much happiness or sadness, will be lifted from our hearts and minds. By letting them fall freely, the flavor of FEELING will kick into action. We can experience and really know the thoughts and power of our hearts when just a few tears are able to enhance and develop those emotions.

I love the feeling of a good cry. All sorts of emotions and thoughts and feelings are brought to mind and heart as the tears rise up and pour out – feelings and thoughts come about that I never even suspected where there. It’s as if the tears are the release – the tangible that man seems to rely on – that is necessary for me to truly know and feel my own emotions. My tears let me see what I am feeling as they fall onto my hands. They let me feel the touch of happiness or sadness or extreme emotion as they roll down my face. They let me taste the flavors of the experiences of life as my hurts, happiness, and fears move from the inside out.

glorious.

2011-01-30T09:54:00.002-06:00

Yesterday in Lubbock it was 75 degrees with a light breeze.

Yesterday in Lubbock I was in my swimsuit, basking in the sun, in my backyard.

Good thing I have a high enough fence because the public might have been a) blinded by my pasty-ness and b) though I had on both halves of my bikini, one might consider me nearly topless...I just wanted to be tan all over! I did get a nice red tint...some said I was sunburned but I know my tan self better than they. Ha - I said. I knew today the red would be gone and I would be, finally, a slightly darker toned self than this time yesterday. On Friday, I went to class dressed for the 30 degrees that it was when I left...I promptly stripped down to my bra and some borrowed shorts at a friends house. I could not pass up the 73 degree sunshine and my clothes at my house were just too far away to waste time on silly things like a swimsuit when, let's be honest, a bra is not much different...just prettier due to the lace I am accustomed to.

Tuesday's weather calls for snow...how can I get a slight sun-burn one day and then three days later be expecting snow?! My emotions and psyci (spelling??) are being teased!

Yesterday, due to the fabulous weather and little responsibility I currently have, was titled "Summer Day" by some friends and I. We iced down some beer, grilled hamburgers and hot dogs, made and ate delicious dips with crunchy chips, and sat around all afternoon in the warm sun. It was a perfect day - really, perfection was accomplished. I was surrounded by some old friends, some new friends, and people that are just mutual friends. It was a healthy mixture that brought fresh conversation and new experiences. It's always good for us to surround ourselves with new people to liven things up a bit.

Ok, church time. Enjoy your Sunday and...just get excited because January is NEARLY over. Which means, this month is over...phew. Plus, we are that much closer to warm, sunny days EVERY day. love that.

Marfa means...a fun girls' weekend in less than two weeks!!!

1.25.11

2011-01-25T13:54:00.002-06:00

Well, the 25th of January is here. I have been dreading this day for a year now...and at the same time have just been ready to get it over with. It's another day to miss John but have it only be accentuated. Let's just say, last night was a giant throwback to 1.24.10 and the dread, anxiety, sorrow, and loss that I felt the night before, and the weeks following, his death.

Since today is a big day and requires that I keep my mind, body and heart distracted so I am not a wallowing mess, I am taking extra (and slightly detrimental to my credit card statement...) precautions to not be said mess. Here's how today has gone, and will go, down...:

- Had a good workout. I was reading through my letters to John written after he died and I talked to him about the distance I made during runs. I have slacked a lot since then and want to get my mileage back to what it once was...today was a good, strong start towards that.

- Yummy, warm and delicious bagel and coffee at Einsteins. I took my computer, did a bit of school work, and just enjoyed being in a cozy environment. It kept me distracted...

- Bought some new hair products (I LOVE hair products, just FYI) and a portfolio for interviews. If I'm gonna snag that awesome job, I gotta have a snazzy, red leather folder for my resume and references...and super sexy hair :) that's always a must.

- Made delicious new recipe for my roomie and I. Good food is always a good fix.

- Am skipping my freshman level political science to see the new romantic comedy, "No Strings Attached", with said roomie. Again, I have a legit excuse to skip class today...right?

- Have plans to have a cold beer and enjoy some live music after my night class. Again, good company and a good beer makes things better.

Okay, hope you are all having a good day. Just think - January is, finally, almost over. Good thing.

Marfa means...something to look forward to after too long in Lubbock :)

a year of blessings.

2011-01-19T09:04:00.002-06:00

On Tuesday the 25th, a year of life without John will have passed. It was on a Monday morning in 2010 that he pressed on towards the goal and finally reached it.

In a year, a lot has happened. I guess that's true for anyone - 365 days offers plenty of time for more than one success, heartbreak, failure, and new experiences. For me, the 365 days between January 25, 2010 and January 25, 2011 represent spiraling out of control, finding a professional to help me right my life and figure out who I am without John, dealing with the absence of my best friend, dealing with a new relationship that began very abruptly and then ended as quickly as it began, and beginning to look towards my next phase of life...post-graduation. All of the experiences and emotions that hit me this past year have been some sort of blessing - even though I couldn't see it at the time. Gabby, my soul-mate counselor, has challenged me to see my life from the days leading up to John's death through now using a bird's eyeview of the situations. She has challenged me to look at what occurred and who was a part of each experience to really understand God's hand in blessing me through the whole process. I guess I am here today to share with the world wide web a few of these blessing...if I have learned anything, I know that it is important to verbalize and share where you are in life. That's the only way to fully understand and process this crazy life.

Last January, there were many people who popped into life just in time to help heal and protect my aching heart. I had people at school who did not understand or know much of the situation with John but they knew me and knew that I needed space while also needing their love, support, and normalcy from them. There was a new friend who, though the situation was very different, also had to deal through life and figuring out how to live without a special person in his life. He and I would spend hours just watching tv, eating ice cream (a favorite hobby of mine...), and taking turns talking through our personal experiences. I believe that this relationship was vital in my sanity - he offered a way to talk through what I was dealing with emotionally and spiritually while also sharing about himself - kept me from being selfish with time and other's emotions. I had friends who contacted me that I rarely speak to, people send messages that I have never met, and family members shelter me in ways I have never experienced. Love oozed out of the wood work and took over my life - I might have felt lonely and lost but I was never alone. There was always someone checking up on me - even if it wasn't obvious.

Last spring, I went through a wild time. I sometimes call it "hitting my rock bottom" and I hope that last spring is the lowest I will ever go. However, my rock bottom was very mild in comparison to most of the world's experiences. I went out a lot and determined the success of my nights out by the attention and flattery I received from people at the bars. I went from having a best friend who was in constant contact and communication with me to not having that relationship at all and dealt with it by seeking attention from others. It wasn't until one morning after a particularly "fun" night out that I was struck with this personality shift that was occurring in my life. I was negative without realizing it, basing my self-worth on who paid attention to me the night before, and letting the expectations I had for myself slip dramatically. This realization very much shook me and lead me to Gabby - I knew I needed help coping with losing John and moving on from that. I needed serious help acknowledging and dealing with grief's sneakier and more subtle personas. I needed a third-party to hear my story, see my hurt, and help me get things back on track.

I guess that whole experience was a blessing. I was able to see what life is like when I do not hold myself to higher standards, to taste a worldly lifestyle and find out I don't care for it, to see the shift in myself and make an effort to change that. My low moments were the reason I sought help, were the physical proof that inside I was damaged and needing repair. How wonderful it is to be out of that experience and be able to see it as physical proof that I was broken...and to see where I have come since then. With a lot of tears and prayer and confusion, I have finally gotten past the brokeness. I can say that I am emotionally healthy and have a much clearer and happier view of myself...and how I fit into the world as Abby and not because of someone else. The downward spiral lead to great things in the end. Thank you for that experience and the process of healing afterwards - I know now so much about myself, life, grief, and dealing with the cards dealt to you.

I had this "boyfriend" for a few months. Some might say he was a sub-conscious distraction from the pain and absence of John's death. Some might say he was just a phase. I disagree with all of that. I learned a lot about relationships - what I want and need from them, how to compromise without compromising yourself, the ups and downs of big-kid relationships - from the last six months. Even though it didn't work out for us, I wouldn't blot that time out of my life. It's important to date people and get to know people - that's how we learn about ourselves and what we ultimately need in life. He was a great blessing in my life. I knew that all along but, now as I am taking time to look at the year in a whole, I see that he came into my life at the right time. I had an openness and willingness to be close to someone again. He listened to my stories about John and the heartache that comes with that. I listened to his stories, heartaches, and successes. It was just what I needed in so many ways. Though it's disappointing that it is over, it would have ended eventually. I am just grateful that I had that experience and that relationship in my life. Thank you for that.

My little brother has also been a huge blessing for me. I know that my whole family has loved me unconditionally this past year (and my whole life...) and dealt with my emotional expressions even when it was not easy. But, it was my brother that really touched me. I don't think this awareness hit me until this morning when I was talking through different blessings with God. I started praying for Zac and was hit with incredible love and gratefulness for his presence last year. He constantly checked up on me, and still does, to ask how I'm doing - how I'm REALLY doing - and to be there for me. Zac loved John and looked up to him so much. He admired John's constant relationship with God, his love for life, his easy laughter and huge heart. I know Zac misses him too but he pushes that aside to make sure I am okay and pushing on. Zac encourages me to be better than the emotional person I want to be. I have a great need and desire to be good and pure and healthy for the sake of my little brother. Zac stood with me, and others, in John's hospital room when he passed away. He, mom, and I held each other as we let John go, both physically and in our hearts, and watched John's family do the same. Talk about a life changing experience.

Another strange blessing was my ridiculously difficult and challenging class schedule the semester John died. Twenty-one hours of classes with four being an online nutrition class and an officer position in ADPi that required much time and attention drove me crazy...and also helped me survive. I knew I had to finish the semester whether it was with good grades or poor grades. I knew that my pledges in ADPi relied on me being aware and present for them. I knew that constant focus on school and sorority was the only way to not fall into the depths of grief that I felt grabbing at me. The craziness kept me sane - if that's possible.

As always, Marfa was a much needed time of refreshment, recovery and escape from reality. My theme this summer became "refresh" - I went into the summer with the hope, and need, to revitalize my heart and life. I needed the freshness of summer sun, a cool drink on the patio of the Hotel Paisano, seeing my Marfa family and being hugged by all of them. Some in Marfa knew I had lost a close friend but, for the most part, it was a normal summertime for all of us. I needed to get away from the constraints of school and sorority life, to not have huge responsibility resting on my shoulder, to be in the west Texas aromas that John and I always loved. Those three months allowed me to transition from struck with grief to moving past the grief and combating life as it comes my way.

Anyways, that's part of my blessed life. I really have lucked out and, unfortunately, it took this long to really be aware of all the blessings that have come my way. It really is important to sit back and take a more "overall" view of life - sometimes you find things you missed the first time.

Marfa means...refreshment and life.

Navigating the Wilderness #2

2010-11-16T08:29:00.002-06:00

Have you ever seen the movie Blue Crush? The one about three friends and sisters, doing life on their own with little money and no adult figure to help guide them, that LOVE surfing? Well, at the end of the movie, the main girl gets the opportunity to compete in her dream competition - the biggest surfing challenge around. She is encouraged by her friends to enter and participate despite the terrors of her last competition - one where she nearly died by the waves. After overcoming her fear and embarking on her chance to win this challenge, she is drug under by the huge, torrential waves which she was supposed to be surfing on. Awesome. Her biggest nightmare is happening again. And yet, right at the last moment before total suffocation and despair, she gets the energy and will-power to conquer the waves, return to oxygen, and finish the competition. She ends up winning the event making her the most sought after female surfer. That's pretty intense.

Just like that movie shows one girl beating the odds and conquering the waves, we too must conquer the storms of life. Yes, we have seasons of life. But, sometimes those seasons turn into storms - it all just seems to pour down on you, infiltrating every nook and cranny of peace, light, and hope. The disciples experienced one of these storms during their time with Jesus. You know the story - they were in the boat, a storm came, they grew fearful and lost faith that the Lord would bring them through the downpour and huge waves, and then were saved by His Power in the end. This also correlates with when Peter walked on the water towards Jesus, full of faith and confidence, until he lost total focus on the Prize and began to sink. He too was saved by the Lord.

In both of these New Testament stories, we see events where the storm of life was great, and very real. The dangers and fears of the moment are tangible even for readers today. We understand the hopelessness of feeling like we are being drowned by life. Aren't we supposed to feel vivacious and energetic, after all, in LIFE? Well, yes, but sometimes we are brought to the wilderness because we need a change of heart, expectations, and settings - just as the Israelites needed to get out of Egypt. Sometimes, God allows us to enter a time of unknowns, unchartered territory, and emptiness so that we will learn to call on him, learn to depend on the mercy and light of our Father in order to get through each moment of life.

The key part of that last sentence is to CALL ON HIM. The disciples had to do it when they frantically woke up their Lord saying “Lord! Save us! We are going to drown!” (Matthew 8: 25). Peter also had to cry out for the Lord, “Lord, save me!”, after taking his focus off of Jesus for a moment. Moses also cried out to the Lord and suddenly his people had fresh drinking water – a relief from the bitter water they had found in the wilderness. It is natural for us to NEED God, that is why we are here, afterall! But, the Lord will wait for us to cry out for him, wait for us to acknowledge that we need his mercy and miraculous ways. It is in the eye of the storm, the heart of the despair, that we most see our need for His Hand and Heart to guide us, and to ultimately save us from our own destruction.

I have started a daily “cry out” to God. Maybe it is asking for a way to serve my roommate or those around me. Maybe it is asking for clarity in how I think and process through my daily emotions of peace and anxiety, comfort and loneliness, anticipation and anxiety. How will you cry out to the Lord today?

Marfa means…an oasis in my wilderness.

Navigating the Wilderness #1

2010-11-14T13:15:00.000-06:00

In Priscilla Shirer’s book One in a Million: Journey to Your Promised Land, the experiences brought from life’s wildernesses, and how we respond to such events, is examined. Mrs. Shirer uses the example of the Israelites’ escape from the confines of Egyptian rule and their search for the Promised Land to help women, and men, today understand the seasons and storms of life. Out of the two million Israelites that left slavery in expectation of flowing milk and honey, only two actually arrived at this utmost goal. Thus, we have One in a Million – a challenge to become the minority, the few, who persevere through the wilderness of life and maintain their “eyes on the prize.” Readers are challenged to see through the storms life brings and seek the final destination where the sweetness and unique experience of knowing who God lies.

My life is a wilderness right now. No, I am not in financial constraint or dealing with a broken marriage or personally ill. To the outsider, I am a normal senior in college who is merely looking forward (with great anticipation, might I add) to that day in May when I walk across the stage and say goodbye to the world of academia and hello to commerce…or wherever I end up. But, on the inside, there is so much going on. I am dealing with the final quarter of a year that involved my best friend getting diagnosed with aggressive Lymphoma and dying all within four months. I am dealing with the anxiety that searching for a job in today’s economy brings any individual – but especially one who, despite a pretty nice GPA, has little experience in her desired field. I am experiencing an absence from John no longer being in my life, my good friends graduating this December, a desire but confusion to find that “perfect” first job, a failed relationship with a guy I really liked and saw a future with, figuring out who I am on my own… WOW, that is a wilderness for sure. There are so many emotions and displaced feelings right now for me. Those around me do not seem to know or really understand how I feel inside my heart and mind. For most of my friends, graduation is a long way off, not something to look forward to, and a moment of huge transition from fun to adulthood. I see May 14^th as the beginning to a new season in life. It represents the end of my experience at school, which has grown to represent the last year and dealing with grief more than anything. It represents an opportunity to stop being a professional student and start making real money, supporting myself, dealing with the world in a more realistic and grown up manner. There will be fewer boundaries, more structure, and more purpose.

Up until recently, I have view this 2010-2011 school year to be a waiting period for me – a holding pen until I am released into the freshness of life post-college. I have been wondering how I will last 9 more months, and now 6 more months, until I can leave these last 13 months behind me and start new. Thank goodness I have a wise and understanding therapist to help me see life differently than that! After seven months of weekly sessions, Gabby and I have been able to connect and trust each other to be honest, open, and real during our conversations. I trust Gabby’s opinions and advice more than anyone right now because she has helped to guide me through the darkest points of my life, and has helped me to see the light. She cries with me and shares of her own experiences when they pertain to my own. She is honest and bold about how I see situations – sometimes it is easy to hear, other times not so much. But, one thing she has been persistently reminding me of is this: Find out why God has put you here for this school year, why you are in this wilderness. Do not let this season of life pass you by – do not miss the opportunity to explore God’s will and personality, to acknowledge his divine plan in your life, or to touch others because of your storm. One in a Million has brought so many of these answers to my attention. Between Gabby and Mrs. Shirer, I can see myself growing in my faith and how I see the world. Life is not easy. It is not a “walk in the park” all the times. Yes, there are the times when we are floating on cloud nine (is that the right saying??), when things seem to be wonderful and perfection is unstoppable. And, yet, it is in these moments that reality likes to bite us the most. It is in the sweetness that we are brought back to our senses and must struggle through the thorns and drought and anxiety that the wilderness brings in order to better see, know, and understand how sweet life really is. This understanding only comes because we know and acknowledge the power, the might, the deep love of our Father whose hand and voice will always be our guide through the wilderness and to the Promised Land…we just have to cry out for his aide and be obedient.

If only that was as easy as it sounds…

Marfa means…a break from the wilderness and a taste of the milk and honey of the Promised Land.

a few obsessions.

2010-11-08T20:51:00.002-06:00

Well, my life here in the Hubcity these days has been less than busy, exciting, or frantic. I have gone from the over-active, never free, stressful, and emotionally wearing semester of last Spring to this Fall semester: boring classes that matter as much to me as Avatar or Star Trek, an unchallenged mind that is becoming more and more sluggish, and very little drive due to my unchallenging academic life. What a change in my life! Marfa this summer was a wonderful fantasy that I now look back upon - dreaming of my nights on the ranch of a handsome cowboy, my job that PAID me in both money and joy, and a life where a slow pace is in fact the way of being...not just due to having NOTHING to do. What a nice day dream I have when I think of my summer days...

But, as I have lounged out my last three months in Lubbock anticipating my final semester as a college student, I have found a few new obsessions. These are things that I cannot seem to get enough of and...well, it's becoming a problem:

- Individually wrapped, frozen tilapia. Rachel and I make these on a regular basis and, not only are they easy and quick, but they are so versatile!

- SALTINE CRACKERS. If you have yet to appreciate this classic crunch, you need to revert to your grandmother's pantry. They are salty and crispy, soften in your mouth, taste good with so many things (peanut butter, cheese, a side dish for a smoothie, etc), and are only about 60 calories for ten! I am obsessed and go through a packet very quickly. They are great for a quick "salty fix" or a road trip snack. Just don't forget to enjoy and appreciate the awesomeness of them.

- Eminem's "Like the Way You Lie" - I know, I know - it's over played and worn out. But the vocals and mood and...sigh, it's just great.

- Fresh Jalapenos. Ross' dad taught me to appreciate a fresh jalapeno with your meal. Rosa's serves them in the salsa bar. Just can't seem to get enough of them!

- Bobby pins - this is nothing new for me but they offer so many ways of doing one's hair. Also, they can hold belts together, double as a ponytail holder, and fit easily into one's wallet for a quick fix.

- Trying new wine. I love wine. It goes beyond the drink though - it's an experience thing. Talking about the flavors and texture, pairing with different foods, deciding if I even like said bottle of vino - it all makes the experience that much better.

- Two new blogs:

a) pioneerwoman.com - check this out NOW. Even if you aren't a cooking regular, she will present recipes in a simple, well-photographed manner that will make ANYONE, foodie or no, ready to dust off the pans, crank up the stove, and get to work. Her blog on life as a Canadian ranch wife/mom is fabulous, her photos make you feel the need to invest in a $1200 camera, and her recipes...well, they will change the way you think and dialogue about food. Just trust me on this one...go.

b) Hyperbole and a Half - wow. John's sister, Lindy, directed me to this blog and it is as if my missed boy was blogging to us from Heaven. The author's words, method of expressing feelings, overly dramatic descriptions...it all points to something that John would not just appreciate but truly love. I can see him, unable to breathe, and slapping his knees in laughter so real and so heart-filled that everyone else can't help but laugh...even if they don't know what is so funny. Please. go read this blog. Start from day one and do not stop until you have finished. By reading this blog and knowing that it is SO like the man I miss oh so very much, you might understand the life and laughter of John Means.

These are just a few things that my slow-paced life and lack of drive have brought to me. Granted, food is always an obsession - it's just a matter of what kind at any given moment.

I hope my readers (are you out there? do I have readers??) are enjoying autumn as it creeps up on us. I love this time of year - crisp weather, fuzzy scarves, wood fireplaces, steamy cocoa and hearty stews. I hope you are enjoying it too!

Marfa is...on my horizon!! I go back in less than two weeks for a full week of Thanksgiving and family time!

my last two months.

2010-09-14T12:16:00.003-05:00

Um, my blogging behavior, or lack-there-of, has been unacceptable and inappropriate lately. I just noticed that it has been TWO MONTHS to the day since my last entry. And oh so much has happened in two months. I must confess that I was only made aware of my blogging hiatus thanks to a girlfriend of mine. Way to have my back, Kenz.

Let's see where my life has come and gone in the last two months. How about I list a few of the tops so that you get a good overview:

- I dated someone in this time. No bitter feelings but it is no longer "on." We are just at different places, wanting different things right now. But still, he was sweet and showed me a lot about relationships, what I want and don't want, what I NEED, and how to care about someone.

- Campmeeting happened. I have dreaded this moment since January 25th but really since this time last year. A year ago EXACTLY, John was in the hospital being diagnosed with aggressive lymphoma. Every since that happened, I knew my life would never be the same. Since Campmeeting was such a huge part of our relationship and my own life, I did not know what to expect or hope for from that long-awaited week in August. Turns out, even with the scary and emotional moments, it was still precious and much needed. Granted, my campmeeting experience will never be the same (nor would I really want it to), I will forever look forward to that week in God's country amidst the love and loyalty of my friends and family.

- I had my last ADPi recruitment, got a new group of Alphas (our name for our pledges) whom I get to take care of until they get initiated, and I started my last fall semester as a college student. EEk! So much has been going on in the LBK for me since I returned mid-August. Trying to balance a long-distant relationship, my studies (baha), all of my Alphas and their needs, as well as spend SOME time with my lovely roomie/BFF and in our awesome home has proven to be no easy task. But, I think I have gotten the balance down and am learning to just ignore my phone calls or facebook sometimes - a girl's gotta have some peace and quiet every now and then! I am ready to embrace this last year and GET OUTTA HERE! Don't get me wrong - I will miss and forever cherish Lubbock, Texas Tech, my sorority, and the life I have here. But, I am ready to say farewell to college life and studying and become a big kid. I am sure I will wish to eat these words this time next year, but alas, it is how I feel now.

- I have totally and completely lost any pre-summer tan I gained during finals week of Spring 2010 semester. I spent countless hours "studying"...and by that I DO mean laying around the pool with notes in one hand, a beverage in the other. By the beginning of my time in Marfa, I was easily mistaken for one from the bordering country to our great nation or perhaps an indigenous tribe elsewhere. No tan lines, summer glow, naturally bronzed - what more could a girl want? Well, then I started a job that was indoors in a town that has no outdoor swimming pool and with no one brave enough to lay out in my backyard with me. I quickly returned to the paleish version of myself that I am now. What a sad moment it was when I realized that, in fact, my skin tone will not change between now and December :(

- Even though my Marfalous SUMMER ended weeks ago, I kept my Marfalous life going with regular checkins to my favorite mountain range. I spent Labor Day weekend with said boy in Ft. Davis (Marfa's neighboring town) cooking, watching movies, drinking wine, dining with his parents, and just RELAXING - something my crazy Lubbock life rarely allows for. The next weekend meant back to Marfa for Abby - how great to have two west Texas weekends in a row! This time I partied the weekend away with my family and good family friends from West Texas. Lizzie, unofficial family to me, wed her oh-so-nice Cajun fiance and used the entire weekend for the celebration. Lots of booze, plates and plates of delicious food, skeet shooting and dancing made this weekend something to remember for many MANY years to come. Lizzie definitely upped the standard for all of the remaining weddings in that social grouping.

Well, that more or less summarizes my past few months. So sorry to keep you all hanging. But, rest assured, my Marfalous life remains, well...Marfalous, even while I am absent from my favorite little town. Thank God for that.

Marfa means...a place I can always come home to.

not QUITE speechless.

2010-07-14T09:42:00.002-05:00

While I was meandering about Lubbock, a great blog subject came to mind. I was having a conversation with someone about something that was just BEGGING to be blogged over. I could feel my written words forming in my mind as we continued to discuss whatever it is. Now, here I sit able to write and able to explore such things and, yet, I have no idea what it was. Bummer.

But, here I am with keyboard in hand and ready to type up a storm. What to discuss?

This weekend I embark on yet another mini-vaca. This summer seems to have been filled with weekends away - all for good, fun reasons but I just wanna stay here for once! I head to the DFW area on Friday for Clay's wedding. Clay and I have been close friends for years and he was always the big brother I never got to have. Over the years, we had our highs and lows and have recently drifted apart again. But, we have shared in many huge, life changing experiences together and will always be connected by those things. I have yet to meet the bride but have only heard good things - I am excited to see them become man and wife under the audience God and the people who love them dearly. I wish John would be there with me - we were so excited about Clay's upcoming nuptials and I just don't feel right not having him there. Yes, he will "be there in spirit" but I will now be selfish and say...I want him with ME.

What are your upcoming weekend plans? We are now on the downhill towards the end of summer...how will you utilize your weekend?

Marfa means...new relationships, new people, and new things to look forward to :)

welcome home.

2010-07-11T20:16:00.002-05:00

After much frustration and anxiety, 5 trips from one house to the next, lots of sweat, and even more laughs, Rachel and I are in the new house! It was a dramatic situation having to even move in the first place as we had been under the impression from early January until May that we would stay in the old house. In case last semester wasn't dramatic and crazy enough, life decided to make us find a new place to live, pack up, and move out. It was DEFINITELY not ideal but the end result made everything worth it. Rachel and I now have a home to ourselves, not shared by an old roommate with whom relations were not the best. We have OUR colors of paint on the wall, OUR furniture set up just how WE envisioned it, and OUR year of living together to look forward to. Yes, leaving Marfa for a weekend and having to pack up and then just unpack and reset up house was inconvenient and thoroughly annoying. But, and it is the but that matters now, I am so pleased with the house and the experience of anticipating and then moving in together that it does not really matter what we had to go through...does it?

Rachel and I started out our college years and our relationship together as roommates in the tiny cubicle Tech calls a dorm room. We used one tiny room as a bathroom area, kitchen, living space, bedroom, closet, and storage. Nine months together in that situation and we STILL are bff's was a good sign to us both that, yes, we should spend our final year at Tech together once again. I have my lover (not really you sickos!) just a stone's throw away - I love that :) Last night as we finally settled down to watch our first movie in our completely set up house, we started laughing as we realized that, already, each of us had chosen "our spots" in the living room. We each contributed a couch and cover for this comfy piece of furniture to the living room. We each found ourselves sprawled out on our own couch last night - I guess we have marked our territory?

I love that we both have such distinctive and unique styles. Just peer through our doorways into the bedrooms we chose - each of us wanted different rooms...thank goodness! Her's has a french, romantic, and yet modern feel to it. Mine is anthropologie on a budget. They are so completely different and yet work together - just like our halves of the dorm room way back when. I love my bestie and, after her long time away in France, a year together will be much needed and appreciated.

Marfa means...my new cozy house with my bestie and forever roommate. Stop on by and we'll have a cold beer on the patio...I have some awesome retro chairs :)

aim and fire.

2010-07-08T10:15:00.002-05:00

Turns out...I'm a decent shot! Probably it was semi-beginner's luck as I have in fact shot a few times in my life but haven't since January. Probably I am voiding any talent I might have had now that I have uttered the words that I am a good shot - always happens that when you brag about something, it doesn't work out. Anyways, I spent Monday evening at my friend's ranch. We drove around the ranch with our weapons of little destruction in hand and attempted to "shot stuff." Well, after waiting and calling for coyotes for a good while, we gave up, said to hell with that, and started shooting random targets! Way less pressure than waiting for said "prairie wolf" to arrive and then be overpowered by the humanfolk hunting him out. After a few attempts at closer, larger natural targets, I was given the challenge to hit a sotol (thin plant that has a single stalk) about 60 yards away. Needless to say, I nailed it - first try. A natural Annie Oakley I'd think! Or maybe not...

I leave today for a weekend in Lubbock. I MISS that place. I am so excited and antsy about seeing my peeps that are holding down the fort in the great Hub City of Texas. Among other things, the main excuse for this mini-vaca is to move from one house to the next. I am not excited about having to move and set up yet another humble abode, but it is with my bff for life and a wonderful house. This month, already in it's newness, seems to be a month of new beginnings and fresh experiences. Refresh has been the theme of my summer and I am beginning to feel and experience the full meaning of such a word.

refresh:to give new vigor or spirit to...to give new freshness or brightness to...RESTORE.

Marfa means...my place of restoration.

vida en el blog!

2010-06-27T14:37:00.011-05:00

This blog needs a little life in it! Today, while I man the front desk solo, I thought I would put up a few pictures of the last 6.5 weeks in Marfa. I have a terrible habit when I'm in Marfa where I don't take pictures! So, these are the FEW I have taken but all mark moments and experiences that have made my life Marfalous so far. Enjoy!

The newest members in the Hotel Paisano family! We got our little fishies for the courtyard fountain - not just easy on the eyes as they are excellent moss eaters. In my excitement for our new pets, I instantly expressed the need to name the fish - it is unloving to not name a family member. All were named off of the five of us who watched the inaugaral swim around the fountain. The large orange fish: Boss Lady after Vicki Barge, the hotel manager. Spotted fish: The Intern - in memory of myself as we are both the outsiders making our name and presence in the little community Marfa provides. The tiniest fish: Harvey - Manny the Maintance Man chose this name. The twin fish: one with more white on front fins = Machuka after Maria Machuka, a fellow front desk worker; with less white = Luigi, named by Mario the head Maintenance Man.

Remember my car getting busted a few weeks back?? Well, here is Lola propped up on the baby boulder that decided to prop itself underneath my baby! This is taken from the passenger side - the driver's side was elevated a few feet off the ground to where I had to hop OUT of the driver's seat! Six hundred dollars and a brand new oil pan later, all is well in the life of Lola.

Check out the double rainbow! This is taken on Texas Street (the street I live on) looking East towards Alpine. I just love how a good rain refreshens everything and gives immediate life!

A view from my porch. The porch faces directly South and this is more or less directly South from the house.

Marfa means...thunder and rain splattering on the patio while I sit and enjoy the sounds of West Texas rain.

things I have tried lately...

2010-06-23T16:17:00.003-05:00

Here are a few of my most recent experiences:

- baby plums picked right from the tree...a lady brought my cousin some at the bank today and I was lucky enough to receive some as well! She was driving to town, saw a tree of baby plums, and picked enough for the bank staff! (p.s. prunes are made out of plumes...and what do prunes do?? eek!)

- I now know how to properly paint a porch - I just spent two days working on my own! The front porch is currently drying and looks fresh, inviting, and ready to be sat on. Can't wait to move back to my porch perch!

- Trimming hedges with large clippers takes more attention and precision than I thought. Next time I will NOT just clip randomly and will utilize some system or at least thought in the matter...

- Peanut butter and saltines really is one of my favorite snacks. Oh, and twizzlers :)

- Having a working washer and dryer is a luxury...and one that I hope to keep having! We finally got our BRAND NEW washer fixed after waiting two weeks (getting repair men out to Marfa just isn't that easy...) so I only have to walk to the back shed to wash - not the laundromat!

- I want to go to Chicago to see my dear friend, Megan...very much so.

- I also want to go to NYC for a fun, cheap trip to visit my old crush, Trevor. We are now just good friends and I wanna experience his big kid life out there!

- Facing difficult moments head on and admitting to mistakes is so much easier, less painful, and softer on the heart than dragging them out or avoiding the moment of truth. Just do it.

- And finally, with Jesus on your side, ALL things really are possible. A little faith goes a long way.

Love you all!

Marfa means...sweet plums straight from the tree :)

wrapped in love.

2010-06-20T17:26:00.003-05:00

I spent the last four days with my family in New Braunfels at the BEST waterpark in all the land: Schlitterbahn. If you have yet to experience this wonderful place, you must go. Do it right, like the Cobbs: stay at least one night in the hotel conveniently located IN the park, get a room with a kitchen so you do not have to eat park food all the time, bring people you love to have a good time with. My parents were named Schlitterqueen and Schlitterking by my brother's girlfriend - very appropriate.

Anyways, I had all this time with my family, my good friend Hillary, and then a night in Dallas to see my childhood friend get married. It was a great opportunity to reconnect with my good friends from high school and catch up - once you leave the nest, it's just not the same. I gave and received many hugs throughout my mini-vaca. Some people knew about the loss of John and I felt it in their hugs. Others have no idea that my life has changed so dramatically in the last year and hugged me out of simple excitement to see me again. As I drove home today, I had plenty of time to think back on the relationships I rekindled and the love I have in my life.

One thing I know for certain, hugs (to me) are more intimate and personal than a kiss. Now now, a kiss is the outward sign of affection, physical desire to depict your love or attraction, one step closer to the ultimate closeness with another. I get it - I have kissed a few frogs in my life to understand the excitement and need to portray the attraction in some way other than words. I get it. But here's something I understand even more: a hug is the connection of two hearts. Whether these two hearts are of lovers, parent and child, long-lost friends, or two people needing to be held, there is a connection of hearts. A hug is the closest our hearts can physically get to each other - we embrace the other at their chest and feel the beat beat beat of their blood and body. Hugging is the physical outreach to show, and somehow satisfy, great emotional, relational, and personal needs.

I hug to greet. I hug to say farewell for a time. I hug to make someone know that I am there - I wrap my arms around the one in need and let them know in the most physical way I can, that I am here and you may cling to me if you want. It has been said that I am an expert hugger. I don't want to brag but...I do give good hugs. I love that moment of enclosing my dear ones in my arms, bringing them to my (ample...) bosom, and physically embodying my need to help them as much as I can. My height allows me to really really embrace the shorter ones in my life. I get to be the mother hen who arms are readily available for a good hug. I love this role.

However, I realized today, that most of my hugging is for other people. I love that moment of wrapping someone in my love so much but I rarely am hugged for my own cause. I thought of this on my drive back to Marfa. When was the last time I was HUGGED, the last time someone embraced me because they saw the need, felt the need, and wanted to cure the need? I was hit with a great desire and almost physical need for someone to come to me, wrap me in their arms, and let me feel that great protection, that great wall of peace. There is a difference between that intial greeting hug or a final farewell hug and the outward expression of feeling and empathizing with another person. I crave to have one of these hugs. Who will be the lucky bearer?

Here are a few of my most favorite, most needed, and most memorable moments of being wrapped in love:

- Clay Jackson - my "big brother figure", a friend from life, the 3rd member of my imaginary trifecta (John, Abby, Clay). When I finally arrived at the hospital the night before John passed away, it was Clay who I needed to be with. His strenth, both of stature and of character, made me feel a little bit better at my most trying moment in life. I did not get to see him for a while after arriving but, when I finally did, it seemed as if everyone cleared the floor to let me get to him. I frantically threw my arms around his neck and he just held me. That's all I needed at that moment. He is a dear friend of John's, a special friend of mine, and was the one I wanted most for comfort. I remember stating that I was shaking and he agreed - that was when I realized that not only was he hugging me, he was literally holding me up, supporting me from my own fear and dred of what was to come. This went beyond reaching out. He held me up and away from the physical deterioration of my heartbreak.

- Rachel Hicks - my best friend and roommate. Rachel spent a semester in France from January through May. This means she was gone when John passed away. The three of us made a great team - what a lucky girl I have been to have my two best friends in the world also be good friends and love to be together. I had it made. Anyways, I got the lovely priviledge of picking up our European traveler at the DFW airport, kept her with me for a night, and then (reluctantly) let her head back to her family in New Mexico. Her flight was on time but between baggage claim and customs, it took FOREVER to finally embrace her. I waited nearly two hours all by my lonesome self in the international arrivals area for my best friend to return to me. Many emotions went through my head during that wait making the moment of arrival that much more emotional. I saw her walking down the cleared area for the arrivers, waited for her to spot me, and then hurredly embraced my love. That moment...well, I couldn't, nor did I want to, let go. It was six months of waiting, six months of needing my best friend, six months of real life having hit us in the face clinging to each other. I will never forget that moment of pure need for each other. Talk about connecting hearts - we were finally back together again.

- John Means - best friend, soul mate, deeply missed and loved by many. We had more memorable hugs, or body slams as we liked to call them, than I can really recount. It is less of an actual moment than it is an understanding and love for our moments of reuniting. Even if just a few days stood between us, John and I hugged like our lives depended on it. We clung to each other, seeing no need to be less obnoxious, draw less attention, or quiet ourselves down. I do remember last summer, though. We discussed our body slams in great depth - how we should brace ourselves for the enormity of the hugs that would be forced upon the other. He came to Marfa in late June and we also saw each other for Campmeeting - both times were epically planned "body slams." His hugs were perfect - his height, strength, flamboyancy, and scent that I miss so much.

- my mom - gave me life, raised me well, and puts up with me on a regular basis. Anytime I leave Dallas or say farewell to my mom, I feel a need to hold on tightly for a moment. There is just nothing like the touch of your mom, no matter how different you might be or no matter how frustrated yall might make each other. I love my mother deeply - saying goodbye to her is never easy. It is less dramatic than it was when I was a little 8-year old being left at summer camp but it is no less emotional for me. It might even be more so now. I have grown to adore my mom as a friend and a mother, to love her sacrifices and time and love for her family.

Marfa means...feeling at home.

raining :)

2010-06-15T17:16:00.002-05:00

It's currently raining in Marfa, Texas. Please note: I have been waiting for a good, heavy rain since I got out here. It is about time I hear thunder, see lightening, hear the rain hitting the ground, and feel the cool breeze blowing through my open windows. It's about time that Marfa gets some of the rain that everyone else is getting! West Texas rain is my favorite smell in the entire world. John, I wish you were here to enjoy this with me.

Last night I had a very unexpected adventure. I was just dozing through "Lonesome Dove" when my friend Betty called. She never calls me so I knew she a) butt dialed me or b) needed something. Turns out, she needed a ride...to Mexico! Her mom's dog in Presidio (an hour from Marfa, 3 miles from Ojinaga - border city in Mexico) had suddenly become stiff and somewhat comatose. Betty was the only option of saving the dog but her car is not reliable enough for the drive to and from Presidio. After trying numerous other people that she knows better than I, she tried me. "Abby, are you busy tonight??" NO haha. So, together we embarked on my first trip to OJ. It's normal for many of the people out here to travel to and from Mexico. It is so close, things are significantly cheaper there, they have family in OJ...who knows why! Either way, we hurried off to Presidio, picked up the pathetic and stiffened puppy, crossed the border and worked our way to the vet. Of course, as soon as we got to the vet, little Roach (aka the puppy) decided to perk up and be normal. That would happen, wouldn't it? Well, better to be safe than sorry. I am glad that we got him to a doctor in case he HADN'T perked up. But I am also glad I finally got to see OJ. Betty drove me around the city showing all the hott spots and talking about her and her brother, Jose, lives before moving to the states. We tried a few delicious eateries and I, naturally, divulged myself in the delicious foods of a new culture. Everything was delicious, the people were more than friendly, and being with a native made me very safe.

It was an interesting, unexpected, but much appreciated detour for my day. Now I can say I have been to OJ, have seen where Jose and Betty grew up and knew since infanthood, and know that it isn't SO scary for a Gringa to go to OJ. Next time I go, though, I need to pick up some tequila and vanilla - the real deal is always better.

Marfa means...enjoying the storm from my cozy house.

latina incognito...

2010-06-13T17:24:00.002-05:00

Have you ever cumbia'd? If you are a white girl from the city, the chances of you answering yes to this question are slim. Growing up in Dallas, cumbia was not really in my radar. I attempted, poorly might I add, to dance with a bit of "latina" flair while in Argentina and Costa Rica. Both attempts were absolute FAILS. Well, my time in Marfa has lead me to more than one opportunity to practice, and hopefully improve, my cumbia skills.

Basically, you just have to move with the music - follow the beat they said last night. Well, here's my thing: I have NO ability to follow and understand a beat. I spend so much time thinking about how silly and classically "gringa" I must appear to be that I can hardly focus on the task at hand: dancing. Last night I was at Padre's with a gang of lovely latina women. They have been cumbia'ing their entire lives - it comes naturally to them. I, on the other hand, avoid any dance that is "feeling the music" and not lead by a male's strong guidance. I just don't have that common ability to "feel" the music. So, after a brave viejo (old man for all you gringos out there...) asked me to dance, I suddenly experienced great anxiety! He did not seem to speak English, was older than my dad, an obvious natural, and was very stoic and upright. I, on the other hand, am told to be a "bouncy" dancer, love to talk to my dance partners...in English, and am NOT a natural. Poor guy - if only I knew how to warn him in Spanish... Well, it was a blast, of course. I stayed near my partner only because it would have been terribly rude and offense to walk off. I danced and got teased and laughed for the entire song - but, please note: one song in cumbia is a set of more like 3-4 songs. Great.

Either way, I had quite the experience last night. I was amongst my lovelier latina amigas who attempted to show me the ropes - how to be a Mexicana. Sadly, my disguise was not bought by anyone - everyone thought they needed to inform me that "Abby, you are so white!"...as if I didn't know? I need to keep practicing this art of being Mexican. Dance lessons and spanish speaking times are on the horizon for me. Knowing how to throw back Patron and drink Dos Equis just doesn't cut it in this town. Not if I really want to embrace the culture, that is...

Marfa means...dancing cumbia with old and sweaty men, taking shots with the older hotel employees, and going to an "after party" in a barn.

absolultely scrumptous.

2010-06-08T20:21:00.002-05:00

Put together eggs, vanilla, and sugar and you will always be satisfied. These three ingredients are the basis of cakes, cookies, brownies, pies, and (my personal favorite) ice cream. Depending on cooking times, preparation methods, and other ingredients, you can begin with three basic items and end with some incredibly sweet, satisfying, and all-together wonderful.

Today I put this theory to the test. Using my all-time favorite baker as my guide, I baked and layered over a dozen Homemade Ice Cream Sandwiches. To me, that just sounds fancy! But, please note, it was so simple. Using a basic but sturdy chocolate cookie recipe and the best ice cream available in Marfa, Texas, I slathered the creamy deliciousness between two freshly baked (but cooled, of course) chocolate cookies. Please - EVERYONE try this at home. I quickly wrapped them up and ran a few down to the hotel. This kind of wonderful delight in life should just NOT be enjoyed alone.

Marfa means...sitting at Jett's and trying experiment drinks while Jose tries my newest creation :)

the ultimate tease.

2010-06-07T22:28:00.002-05:00

God is the ultimate tease. He keeps surrounding Marfa with expansive storm clouds, exquisite lightening shows, rumbling thunder. All the land and towns within at least a 40 mile radius seem to be getting excellent rain and storms - all of which we can see thanks to the open space that West Texas provides. And yet, even though we close windows and bring in the drying laundry, Marfa gets little more than a sprinkling of rain. I keep waiting and anticipating the fury of the sky to fall down upon my little town. I keep hoping for the thunderous experience that a West Texas storm brings. I await the freshness and lightness of the air after a good, cleansing rain. I see it all around me but it has yet to hit Marfa!

I have a new project in mind...I will let you know more when things look more realistic. It involves Marfa, obviously, and raising money for a brave and sacrificial group here in town. If all works according to plan, it will be a really fun and exciting project. Let's hope things work out!

Marfa means...getting to actually watch a thunderstorm without being in the midst of it.

a time of reflection.

2010-06-06T12:10:00.002-05:00

Being my first full weekend back home since my tour of Texas, I expected this to be a BIG weekend, lots of crazy stories, maybe some good pics of my fly outfits, and exhaustion. I am finishing up the weekend feeling very mellow and pensive rather than chatty and pooped. I guess this is a good thing. Maybe it's a sign of maturing that I can be chill when I go out; that I can sit back, have just one beer, and just take in the evening's experiences without being the CENTER of the experience. Or maybe it was just me being thoughtful and needing to recover from a crazy 2010. Either way, I gussied myself up last night, broke out the 4 inch heels in Marfa, and attempted a night out on the town. Like I said, it ended up being more of a relaxing and internal experience - I guess they can't all be big nights out.

This weekend has been a lonely one for me. That is a weird thought since I am with people constantly in Marfa and know lots of people from lots of different social groups. But, I have spent the afternoons at the house, reading/attempting to nap/working on watching Lonesome Dove and that allows for my mind to wonder, to consider my life as it is, and to miss John. Don't worry - it's not a dark time here in M-town for me and I'm not depressed. Just thoughtful. I have found something to be true: grief is exhausting. It takes a lot of time and always shows up again after a short absence. You get used to it being less present, the norm becomes noticing that your loved one is not there but not having to focus on that all the time because of life getting in the way. But then, one day out of the blue, it creeps back into your mind, your thoughts, your heart - infiltrating every moment and every conversation and every experience. I had myself fooled - I thought I had maybe figured everything out. Joke's on me. Missing John will be a norm for the rest of my life. Missing John has become something that I take with me to the hotel, to the bar, to dinner with friends, and as I drive through the West Texas mountains. I think the important part of grief is that you learn to continue in life, remembering the one you love, but not losing sight of your own need to really live in the midst of everything.

Here's what it feels like to lose your best friend, your soul mate: there's always an absence. Even when I'm surrounded by friends - new and old - it is evident that something is missing, something is not as it usually is. It's knowing that you don't have your ultimate wingman to share your experiences with - even if it is just via phone or text. It's not having someone to laugh at how ridiculous you are, to get angry at the stupidity of people, to plan your next experience with. It's knowing that no matter who comes and goes in life, that role that that one person filled and took on will never be filled again. That the relationship and comfort and closeness felt there will never be able to be duplicated. It's a lonely moment to realize that for me to find my "someone" in life, I have to go through the getting-to-know-you process and experience the initial awkwardness and nervousness that goes into it. In order to be totally comfortable with a guy like I was with John, I have to go through that first phase...but first I have to find someone worthy of that effort and energy. I know, I am young and have a lifetime ahead of me. Don't worry - I am not whining about my single status. I sometimes even enjoy it. I am simply trying to voice this constant loneliness of not having my best friend to share my life with - my best friend that was always "my person"as well as a good friend.

These last 6 months have aged my spirit and my soul. I feel older than 21. Not in a depressing way, just a way that only life experiences naturally bring about. In this older self, I find that I am ready to settle down, to start the next phase of life with someone to share all the moments with - to just sit and listen to the band at Padres, to join my family and I at Schlitterbahn, to watch Lonesome Dove with me, to visit me at work during lunch time. It's these little things that are normal, everyday experiences I am ready to share with someone.

Today, my MARFAlous life reminds me to LOVE the ones in your life, to enjoy the simple moments of life, to live right now - not only anticipating what will happen in the future. We have the present; God does not promise us any more time than that. Live fully, laugh openly, and love deeply.

Marfa means...going for a cup and coffee and staying for 2 hours - just because you sit to chat.

mm mm good

2010-06-03T07:25:00.002-05:00

This is definitely an mm mm good morning here in the little white house on Texas Street. I am sipping my coffee and sitting in the kitchen. The windows are opened and I can here the town beginning to wake up - birds chirping (even with my fear, I can still appreciate morning bird songs...), dogs barking, cars headed to work or maybe home from work. I love this part of the day - sun coming up, sky is a greyish blue with the break of dawn. It's a good day here in Marfa.

Classes started Tuesday. I'm taking my speech/communications credit at Sul Ross State University. I am not worried about the class - good professor, easy subject matter, will be over after the month. However, other than a nearly 30 year old guy, I'm the oldest by far. There is a high school program at Sul Ross for high schoolers in the area to get a taste of living on their own and doing the whole college thing...that's right, they are in my class! I have high schoolers, my cousin's class has all the older returning students after a few years' break in college. Well, it should be fun. If anything, now I'll know some of the younger west Texas crowd - always good to have a few friends in different groups! Plus, one of them works at DQ...think he can hook me up??

Marfa means...amazing fried jalepenos and good company at Jett's (the hotel's restaurant)!

hello june.

2010-06-01T10:59:00.003-05:00

Hello June - it's lovely to see you. I feel that your arrival really is the TRUE mark of the beginning of summer. Even with summer school starting today, it just has summer in the air. Most schools are out by now, the pool awaits all who can get away and take an afternoon to just soak up the sun, and watermelon/peaches/tomatoes are in every grocery store yet again. Love it! June is the first FULL month of summer. May involved finals, moving out of Lubbock and into Marfa, traveling all over our great state, and lots of family time and graduations. There were lots of different things going on. Now, it is officially summer. I start summer SCHOOL today, have plans to read and work and socialize when I'm not in class, and have a Schlitterbahn trip with the fam on the horizon. Thank you, God, for the seasons you give us and the freshness that summertime brings. Love, Abby.

a new kind of cowboy...

2010-05-24T22:58:00.002-05:00

Today I met a new kind of cowboy. Well, not really NEW but considering the MARFAlous life's dictionary says a cowboy is one who works with cattle and horses on a ranch, wears hott jeans, sports boots on a daily basis, and has a sexy southern drawl, NEW will definitely apply here. I was at my yearly doctor checkup (one of FOUR doctor appointments I had today!) and waiting to check out. In front of me, like 3 feet ahead, stood the tall, very attractive, and very famous Troy Aikman. Yes, the man who spent many years and much energy playing for the Dallas Cowboys goes to the same doctor's office as I do. After being informed while his back was to us that the man ahead was, in fact, the famous Troy Aikman, I had a dilemma: a) do I acknowledge that fact that, sir, you are THE Troy Aikman and allow myself proper flustering and blushing time...maybe even snag an autograph?? OR b) do I attempt to be normal and merely wish him good day? In the moments I had to decide, I chose the latter. I figure that he does in fact know that he is THE Troy Aikman and would probably rather get on out of the doctor's office and on with his day.

After a sexy eye contact moment and a brief smile, we quickly wished each other good day.

Marfa means...MY CAR IS FIXED!!!

favorite desserts for "on-the-road."

2010-05-22T17:34:00.003-05:00

Here is a top 5. After all, it is summertime and everyone needs to treat themselves for making it to this point in the year. Take a hint: go try one :)

5) Wendy's Frosty. Don't go against tradition - stick with the chocolate. It's just blasphemy to order a vanilla frosty.

4) Vanilla Cream Dr. Pepper - not an edible favorite but still delicious. It has the caffeine and sugar to keep you awake after MILE and MILES of interstate pavement, the sweet and undeniable flavor of Dr. Pepper (a texas staple...), and the creaminess of vanilla cream. Plus, we can't forget the famous Sonic Ice used to keep all their drinks lastingly cold and refreshing!

3) Sour Patch Kids. Chewy, tart, and oh so cute. I dare you to "save them for later"...

2) Dairy Queen Dipped Cone. Talk about a STAPLE for summertime sweetness. The expert combination of classic flavors: vanilla soft serve, cake cone, crunchy chocolate shell, and that unique DQ technique used in the cones. Don't worry about savoring or taking your time - it will melt faster than you can eat it!

1) And finally might not be surprising to those who know me...a DQ BLIZZARD!! John and I have tshirts claiming us as the Blizzard King and the Blizzard Queen. It's true - we are passionate and proud of our love for this tasty treat. His flavor: Oreo. Mine: Chocolate Extreme - with extra brownie please! Although, I'm choosing the Ooey Gooey Caramel Brownie more and more these days. Who can refuse the smooth caramel and chewy brownie combo??

my little white car.

2010-05-22T15:52:00.004-05:00

I forgot to state that all of this driving, all 1300 miles of it, is not with Lola. I had to leave my beautiful red, Ford companion at home in Marfa with the car-fixer while I travel throughout our Lone Star State. I am currently traveling in a little white Hyundai. I recommend it - GOOD gas mileage, easy ride, very spacious. Granted, it's no Lola. But, not bad.

After finally making it to Midland to rent the car, I got to spend close to three hours at the sausage fest called Enterprise Rentals. It was me, the boys "working", and NO cars due to a hail storm the night before. But, as promised, I finally got the little white car, said a dieu to my new male friends, and hit the road for the next leg of my trip. Yay for rental cars, yay for good gas mileage, yay for insurance paying :)

***UPDATE: I must correct myself. My time at Enterprise was thoroughly enjoyable. I was well taken care of. The delay was due to a huge hailstorm in town the night before - the damage put all cars out of commission until they could be fixed. As soon as a car with no damage was available, I got it. Sorry for any confusion! The guys and gal of Enterprise took good care of me.

a taste of texas.

2010-05-22T15:32:00.004-05:00

For those of you unaware, I am smack dab in the middle of an extensive texas tour. Only a true Texas lover could spend this much time in the car, see this many places, and actually enjoy each added mile. In 24 hours, I went from Marfa where there are mountains and cowboys to Midland where oil rigs decorate the horizon to San Antonio where there are rolling hills and house after house after house to El Campo where farm land and farmers make up 90% of the scenery. Talk about a day! I then proceeded to Dallas, where I am currently, for my little brother's (though he's hardly my little brother anymore) high school graduation and some family time in the Big D. He looked so sharp in the white tux that the boys wear, sitting on the outdoor stage, and taking that next step to becoming a big kid. Look at how dashing he is (with myself and the parentals):

Naomi (oldest of us three) is currently living the life of a Euro chick in Espana. We have missed her these last six months as our family had many big moments together: Christmas, a death and funeral of a beloved friend, Easter, Zac's graduation, etc. But we know she is living the adventure of a lifetime and that makes her absence a bit easier on everyone. Plus, good thing there is Skype - she joined us on Christmas morning and Valentine's Day from half-way around the world! Anyways, growing up with two domineering sisters means Zac suffered many smooches over the years. However, when I was little, I never actually put my lips to his face - he was my little brother and therefore too dirty for my lips. Here is a customary photo from last night's festivities (hermana, you have your side waiting for you...):

He is just so handsome. Sorry girls - he is very much taken!

So, here I sit in my childhood home full on yummy deliciousness that is only found in Big D. I love the food in Lubbock, I love the food in Marfa. But, coming to Dallas opens SO many doors to the world of culinary arts that are rare for those like me who, sadly, don't care to return to the city all that often. My newest realization: I HATE the city. It is great for shopping, going out to eat, and the cultural scene on occasion. But, it's not a place I need to live...ever. Lubbock is just big enough for me, Marfa just quaint enough. If you know any respectable, single men in the age group of 24-30 that prefer small town life to the city, pass along my name and number. I'm on the lookout and always up for a sneaky matchmaker moment!

Next on my agenda? Quick trip to Midland and then Marfa to pick up my car on Tuesday, San Antonio for Wednesday evening/night, and then Austin for the final grandchild's high school graduation. Weird to all be out of high school and in "the real world"...

Marfa means...a resting place before, in the midst of, and after all this traveling!

a weekend of destruction.

2010-05-16T21:01:00.002-05:00

Well, I think it would be safest if I was given the boundaries of my porch, bedroom, and kitchen here at the Marfa house. Today I was asked what's new in my life...let me share with yall what is new since Friday night...

1) There I was driving on the ranch road home from my friend's house. Just wanted to catch up and see him for a bit. And the next thing I know, my car is up on rocks and swerving towards a large hill of earth/rock (picture a cliff that is about 15 feet high and dirt/rock mix)...then I swerve to prevent this large hill...go another probably 15 yards and end up lodged on a very large cement rock/block structure. From the moment it began until that ending atop the infamous rock, it was a good 55-60 yards of fear, panic, and trying to not flip. Actually, the fact that I DIDN'T flip or get hurt anymore than the busted oil pan is a miracle in and of itself. You know that song, "Jesus take the wheel..."?? Well, He did just that on Friday night. After an afternoon with my friend, Sam, of jacking up the car, removing said rock from underneath, and figuring out how to rope her behind his truck, we arrived back in M-town to assess the damage. What should take about 20 minutes on a paved road to get home took over an hour due to driving 10 miles an hour with a little red car behind the big, savior truck. At least Lola was safe and able to be fixed!

2) Then today I was, being the good granddaughter that I am, mowing the lawn instead of hiring someone else to do it. I had gotten into my mowing zone and was solely focused on destroying the large bush of weeds before me. They were at least 3 feet tall and a large amount of them - I thought that surely my strength, determination, and newly established mowing skills could defeat said bush. Well, I did...after busting a sneaky PVC plumbing pipe that was hidden amongst the weeds! It was a spring of fresh, delicious water flowing freely onto the very dry ground of our backyard...only, water is a limited commodity out here and it needed to be rescued, not wasted on pestering weeds! I frantically grabbed my phone and called the only logical person that could help in dire moments: my mother. Well, her being in Dallas and not being a plumber did not help too much...she instructed me to head to Wayne's across the street and then Dan's behind our house. Anyways, after about 30 minutes of the three of us (ok, just them two...I just stood by and watched) digging out the water power nozzle thing, turning off the water, replacing the chopped off top to the pvc pipe, and returning the water on, we (or maybe just they...) fixed it. In reality, it was not a huge deal thanks to my VERY generous and understanding neighbors. But, it was still yet another destructive move of mine, though not on purpose, and another life lesson to add to the books.

So, I have had my share of excitement, stupidity, and fixing problems that were probably easily prevented in the first place. Man, it's exhausting being me! The car is actually not so bad since a oil pan is nothing in comparison to what the damage could have been. The problem there is that I was supposed to leave for Houston on Tuesday for a 12 day drive/adventure throughout Texas for various graduations, family times, and friend seeings. Lola will not be accompanying me on this adventure and I am currently trying to figure out a) can I get a rental car for a decent price that insurance will cover and b) can I get back to Marfa by Saturday night?? These both need to happen as I have no dollars and I work on Sunday morning. Great.

On a lighter note and to add some humor to the post (although, both of the former scenarios definitely have elements of humor and ridiculousness...), I had a delicous dipped cone from DQ today. I was working on researching the rental car situation this afternoon when it hit me: I need...I want...I DESERVE a DQ dipped cone! Well, I am currently carless and my legs are tired from today's run and mowing adventure so I proceeded to dig out the bicycles hidden in the garage. After hauling the first to the alley, I realized it had a flat. After hauling the 2nd to the alley, I realized that biking up hill with tired legs is EXHAUSTING! But there was the creaminess of DQ soft-serve, the crunch of the cake cone, and the deliciousness of the hard chocolate shell in my vision pressing me on towards the goal: DQ. Though I am sure I looked ridiculous, I made it to this place of deliciousness and sat on the curb whilst enjoying my sweet, crunchy, chocolatey treat. What a way to end the day...until it started sprinkling and I still had to get home! Oh well. Tammy accompanied on the phone while I pedaled through a light sprinkle...I took the long route home just to avoid the dreaded hill behind the house. Trust me - it was worth the extra .3241 miles that it might have taken me.

All in all, my first weekend here in Marfa was, well, MARFAlous. It had plenty of moments to keep me on my toes, time catching up with friends, and ended with a classic treat from a classic stop. I hope you all were as active and entertained as I was this weekend but maybe a bit less destructive in the process. Happy Sunday and love from the little house on the hill.

Marfa means...small enough to bike for a needed DQ treat when your car is currently out of service.

a few thoughts.

2010-05-13T19:28:00.002-05:00

Today I went running after work - I normally go running in the mornings, on a treadmill, and in Lubbock where the land is flat even if I did run outside. Needless to say, the run didn't go so well. I am a bit nervous that if I THOUGHT I was in shape, what out of shape looks like! Granted I haven't worked out in a few days, had a big night out (mmm cold beer) before leaving Lubbock, and ate only a few hours before running today. But still, I hurt more than I normally do. Bummer. But, in the lack of running that I did and the replacement of speed walking, I had plenty of time to think through things. Here is a blueprint of some thoughts from today's workout experience:

- There are a two things in life that I can honestly say I HATE:
1) BIRDS. Don't like them, think they're gross and disease carrying, am annoyed by a bird chirp waking me up, they can fly and I cannot. Yes, I have seen the famous movie, The Birds, but do not attribute that to my extreme dislike and even more extreme fear of the avis race. I have had far too many experiences with birds that are weird, uncanny, and a bit neurotic. I envision them flying AT me and pecking at me. It has happened before - this is not just a freakish issue I have. Today's run brought me passing under a tree as about 15 HUGE and FAT crows decided to leave the limbs and embrace the sky. If only they had waited until I was not UNDER the tree.
2) BARKING DOGS. Especially the little yappy ones. While large dogs are capable of knocking me over and destroying me, little yappy ones are the kind that most often decide to chase running girls with their annoying "yip yip yipping" and could use their extremely sharp teeth to do some serious work on my famous calves. This also happened...TWICE today. Perhaps running from stupid dogs at an extraordinary pace could be the reason I was so much more tired than normal?

- I still really really want to participate in a half-marathon. John, my best friend who is now with Jesus, was an avid runner. He spent his high school and college years planning his days and diet around running - no Dr. Pepper during season! As I got more interested in running (and joined the cross country team in HS for the sole purpose of fulfilling that dreaded sport credit...), we were able to share running stories with each other. Granted, John's mileage more than doubled mine but running is running no matter how far you can, or let yourself, go. Anyways, I would love to run a half-marathon and raise money for the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society. Maybe more research would have lead to a speedier diagnosis. Who knows. Either way, this is a goal for my life. I have put it off due to a lack of energy that both I and Gabby, my therapist who I love and completely attribute my sanity to, have decided I just don't have as I continue to experience this thing called GRIEF. But, one day, I will be at the point where I can, and will, run the entire 13 miles of a half-marathon. Until then, I will keep training to at least cover the distance - even if it, like today, includes some speed walking :)

I have prematurely restarted many online training coaches - once they tell me to go 6 or 7 miles I say PEACE - solely because it requires more distance than I am ready, or capable, of going right now. New plan: just finish the required mileage. It is a 12 week program - in 12 weeks I will be headed back to the hubcity after a refreshing summer mixed with some big "firsts" without my main man to join in on the fun. It will be good to focus on this. Readers, whoever you are if you are even there, encourage me, please. I want to finish my summer able to go 13 miles - mostly running but a bit o' walking is fine by me. This is more realistic than saying I will run them all and then just quitting out of pure defeat.

- With my newly instated running plan, I must incorporate a new eating plan. I am not in Lubbock anymore with hundreds of options for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack. No more Fuzzy's or J&M or Spoonful to entice me EVERY DAY of my life. There are plenty of delicious options here in Marfa but eating out is less of a social experience than it is in Lubtown. I can say no and eat at home without feeling like I am missing out on friend time. New eating plan: mostly just fruits, veggies, and whole grains. But I like yogurt and cheese so add that to the mix. New drinking plan: no more than 2 beers in a night. I love me some cold beer (coors light or dos equis, preferrably, but I won't be picky...) but need to know the limit. It's a defeating moment when you realize that you LITERALLY just drank your daily allowance of calories - and that is normally followed after having already eaten your daily allowance of calories...bummer dude. It makes a potentially toned ab-area a bit softer and less...well, toned. What a bummer to work out - to push through the pain and sweat like a pig (do pigs really sweat??) - only to destroy all that you just did and more by drinking! Vodka-soda with lime, PLEASE! Or maybe some gin if I'm feelin' a little bit frisky...

Now that you know my train of thought during my run, I will leave you to enjoy the first of many summer nights ahead of us. Looks like mine will entail a quick trip to the hotel to scope out the scene followed by some porch time with me, Gus and Call (for those who don't know, these extremely attractive men are the main characters of Lonesome Dove - my current and HIGHLY recommended read). I love my life...my Marfalous life (minus the freakin' buzzards flying way too closely to my house...).

Marfalous life means...you wave to a fellow driver as yall pass on the road.

HERE WE GO!

2010-05-12T20:19:00.002-05:00

There is a Spanish saying that goes a little something like this: dinero, amor, salud y el tiempo para gozarles. In English, this translates to: money, love, health and the time to enjoy them. For Latinos, this motto is the foudation of how they live and experience life. Rather than living in the future, constantly trying to make more money or more success for future happiness, the latino culture focuses on the present moment - embracing life as it is right now to gain the most possible. Money is important only because it is used to purchase food, clothing, necessities in life. Love of friends, family, and an intimate relationship are vital to a person's well-being. What is more special than loving life and having someone to share it with? What is more foundational than the relationships with those who share your life and your experiences with you? Health of the mind as well as of the body leads to inner peace, lightheartedness, and an openness to embrace life. For the latino culture, all these things are important in life but it is most important to actually take the time to enjoy them. Without appreciating and embracing these areas of life right now and taking the time to love, be healthy, and use wealth to enhance life, they are wasted.

All this to say, I have found this theory to be true in Marfa. As I unpacked my mountains of STUFF and then walked to the hotel for courtyard drinks, I remembered the slowness of life here. People do not live as much by a schedule or in a frenzy to get from one place to the next. There are responsibilities here, yes, but the main responsibility seems to be relationships. Perhaps it's because in a small town, that's really all you have. Marfa allows for taking the time to enjoy the sunset and meet new friends just because they are sitting next to you. Marfa inspires art of all mediums. Marfa rejuvenates the soul by allowing me to appreciate each moment rather than hurry to the next best thing.

Here I sit on my porch with Patsy Cline crooning through the open windows, the neighbor's horse neighing in the nearby pasture, kids squealing at the playground, and the peaceful breeze rustling through the trees. Already I feel the drug of being where I belong, where I love most, pumping life back into me. After a semester of life changing moments, heavy course load, relationship changes, and overall heartbreak, it is nice to feel and see this opportunity of rejuvenation ahead of me. I am so eager to embrace each moment given to me out here. I know that another summer in Marfa, another summer home, will be just what I need to persevere through my final year of college before making this a permanent move.

gone home.

2010-03-20T18:19:00.003-05:00

Spring break this year was not the most exciting nor the most exotic in my lifetime. In the 21 years that I have been "spring breaking", I have been to Europe, Orlando, New York, all over Texas, cruised the Caribbean, and even had a crazy week in Argentina. This year was a little different. Normally, if i have nothing "exciting" planned, I will gladly pack my lovely Lola (my car...) and head West - after all, I leave my heart there...you can only go so long without your heart.

But, this year I opted for an even more calm and relaxing itinerary than Marfa would allow (I actually have a social life there - not so much relaxing as refreshing anymore...) and headed south! I braced myself for possibly destructive levels of humidity and headed to Houston with my good friend, Tammy. We did a few nights at my grandmother's farm (we all call her Sita and him Papacito, just fyi) as well as a few nights at Tammy's house. We saw the southern coast (sadly, too much wind meant no beach time for us pasty gals), ate more than necessary of pound cake and beans and yummy cuisines NOT found in Lubbock, had quality family time, and saw the Houston Rodeo. Basically, it was a big time. Then, on Wednesday, I flew home to Dallas for a few days with my family before Tammy picked me up and chaperoned me back to the Hub City. I now sit, still in my towel wrap, in my unpacked room with nothing but slowly returning to reality on my agenda until Monday afternoon. Mmm...

Even though Dallas is where I grew up, home to me is Marfa, Lubbock, and whereever my family is - preferably that is Marfa :) I love my childhood home - best kitchen around - and would never change where I grew up. I only return, though, because it means I get to see and just BE with my family. I rarely venture out of the house unless it's a family outing...or for a quick Gap run to make sure they dont have any new necessities... I just love being with my family - normally, this means eating or napping or watching multiple movies. But the fact that they are there, with me, is what matters the most.

So, all this said, Dallas this trip was a scary thing for me. I knew I wanted to see my family and be with them for a few days but I also knew there would be a lot of "moments" for me. You see, I use "moments" to refer to those heartwrenching, tear-activating moments in my life that trigger the sadness and loneliness I normal can distract myself from feeling. This was the first time for me to be home since John died. He used to love my room - it was always where he stayed when he spent the night or house sat. I don't know how I feel about my room anymore. It was very isolated from the rest of the house. To me, it is a room of sadness and absence. It is where I spent my first night without my person - where I cried myself to sleep because that was the only way to face the loneliness that his death ensued. It's the little things that tug at my heart - like not having him to text "And we're OFF!" as Tammy and I headed back to school...or how Zac and I drive with our knees (a trick learned and perfected from John)...or eating at the SAME table at Mi Cocina, his favorite restaurant, when the last time I was there was with him...or passing gas stations on the highway that I remember telling him about...or driving down the very roads that I had to endure as I rode to say my final goodbye to someone who means so much to me. It's a lot of little moments, mostly firsts for me, that I had to endure these last few days. It wasn't until I was out of Ft Worth that it really hit me that I have so much missing of John left. I have so many more firsts without him left that it is scary. I can't let myself think about them - if I do, my relaxing few days left will turn into an emotional exhaustion period.

I guess the whole point in today's blurb is that, two months into "Johnlessness", I think I hurt more than I did two DAYS into it. It is more real to me now. Even going home is emotionally exhausting - almost to the point of avoiding it completely. And yet, these moments must be faced, head on. There's no getting around the fact that my best friend, my companion in everything, is no longer joining in with me. Just like I had to face being home in order to enjoy quality family time, I must face every other moment that comes my way in order to really enjoy the life I have.

I guess that's all I really have... Even when I am not in Marfa, I must live a MARFALOUS life! It is vital to one's well-being that they embrace the moments of each day just as I embraced my Marfa experience last summer. Just because I am not physically in Marfa, my heart is, and thus I still am living my Marfalous life :)

welcome back.

2010-02-23T22:18:00.002-06:00

four months since my last entry.
That was enough time for four major holidays to pass, for a series of semester exams to pass and another semester to start. Four months has meant many snow storms, a few nights out, and many Marfa trips for me. The last four months has also signified the most influential moments of my life so far.

On January 25, 2010 - nearly a month ago - my best friend, John, passed away. He fought a fierce battle against cancer but his body was so weak from the fight that it could not defend itself from an infection. It was a quick farewell as he went from normal to very ill in a matter of hours. I could spend PAGES writing about him. I have started a series of letters to him since his death - that alone is quite long so far. In those letters, I tell John the things that I would normally tell him via text message or phone calls. We did not get to see each other that often but we would whittle away the hours with a constant conversation. Very rarely would you find us NOT in a texting conversation with each other. Mom got mad at me many times because I was texting John instead of giving her my full attention.

Since he was raised in Valentine, Texas (20 miles from Marfa), we laid him to rest in the Valentine Cemetery where his grave overlooks the family ranch and the West Texas mountains. He would love the view that he scored for sure. After a few days with my family and his, I went to Marfa to regroup and finish out the weekend before school started back. This was the one time in my entire life that I can ever remember WANTING to leave West Texas, wanting to get away from the mountains and the open sky, wanting to be back at school and my reality. Being out there, a place that John and I shared a deep passion for, only made his absence that much more obvious to me. Add to the already present sorrow, I was in the Marfa house alone for two nights - way too much time to be alone with your thoughts after such a life-changing experience. The Marfa house is normally a place of refuge and energizing myself - it is a place for me to just chill and regroup. That weekend, it was a place filled with memories of John, a place that only further showed how alone he has left me.

Now, I know I am not ALONE - there are tons of people who love me and have been reaching out to me these last four weeks. But, I have been left behind by my best friend, my soul mate and partner in crime. I lack a relationship that truly helped establish who I am as an individual - a relationship that has consumed my mind and heart for the last six years. However, I am also so very aware of the aloneness that he has left in my romantic world. You see, not only was John my best friend and second half, he was my "person"- my preferred date to events, my shoulder to cry on or to complain to, my partner when everyone else had a significant other. I wasn't asked to Senior Prom because people thought I had "a guy in Lubbock" that I was with...that was John. Story of our lives! So many times we confused people because we were NOT together or in any kind of relationship other than just good friends. But, we were that person for each other - this is probably why neither of us had a significant other in the last six years - we did not need one.

His death has left such a hole in my life. Right now, I am not really living the "Marfalous life" of last summer. I now know sorrow and deep heartbreak - a heartbreak that is only made less painful with time. I now know what it is like to lose someone you love more than yourself, to regret that last conversation with someone or the last time you saw them. I know the sorrow to the depths of who I am that is seen in a funeral scene. I know what cancer really means. Since I last wrote in this blog, I have wept and feared and even wanted to not be in Marfa - all very odd emotions. Right now, I cannot wait to return to Marfa - I need time there to let West Texas heal my heart and to feel needed again, wanted again. Hopefully that time will come sooner than expected.

it's about time.

2009-11-23T11:04:00.002-06:00

Four months. It has been over four months since I last took the time and emotional energy to write here. Maybe it's because this is my space that I use when I'm in Marfa. And aside from one busy and fun weekend in town, I have not been back to the place I love so much since August. Pathetic, I know. Although, like I have always said, Marfa is not my reality. I have a busy and productive life in Lubbock which extends to Dallas where my family and best friend are. I have a job, am a full time student, am involved in outside organizations, and somehow manage to maintain a decent social life. So, unfortunately, keeping up this blog is pushed away until I have time. Luckily I have plenty of time this trip to Marfa.

Here's why my life is MARFAlous when I am out here. These are also a few of my items on my "Thank God this Holiday season" list:

- I woke up to the sounds of town and birds and freshness. I made a pot of coffee, had some Jesus time on the porch, and was then free to read WHATEVER I wanted. This means I can read for fun instead of guilting myself into reading for school. There have been a few trains pass by the house, lots of cars zooming through town (and by lots I mean lots for a town of 2200), smells of cooking and leaves, and I even heard a horse snort. I don't know where the horse is but I heard it. I have been soaking up the sun on the porch - nights are way cold but the day time brings a delightful warmth and clear sky. My skin has gotten pasty in the last few months - sun time is much needed and very appreciative.

- On Saturday night, I met my cowboys at the hotel for a drink and got to see some of the hotel employees. Man, I miss this place. Even the faces that I don't personally know but recognize make me happy. They are all still here, life still goes on in Marfa just like it goes on for me in other places. After the hotel, we continued on to Padre's for some pool, beer, and good music. Let me tell you - that was one of the funnest nights of my life! There was a Tejano-Mexican band playing that was at first disappointing because we didn't think we knew how to dance to that music. They proved me wrong, however. It's just moving the hips and letting your heart and your partner lead you. I tore up that dance floor with whoever wanted to dance with me! The boys got swarmed by the 60 year old women of the town. And by swarmed I mean Asa got maybe ONE dance with a girl under 60 and that was because I PRIED him away from those crazy drunkies! One of the ladies told me in a slurring voice: It's my 62nd birthday, I just got a divorce, so I'm going to party tonight...I'm drunk! Haha, but let me tell you something - that lady sure didn't let life slow her down. She and I hogged that dance floor with the handsome men of town. We were not going to let anything get in our way of a good time with some good, fun, hip-moving music.

- Yesterday, I took a two-hour nap. I haven't taken a full hour nap in who knows how long! Waking up at 4:00 that afternoon left me somewhat dumbfounded for a moment. This place brings a peace and relaxation to my mind and my soul. I went jogging through town and out on the highway. The view made me laugh a little bit. How sad it is that people do not know the beauty of the country. Some people have never left the metroplex; some people don't want to. How sad that is. They are missing out on the thousands of shades the sky turns as the sun sets in the West. They miss out on the quaint feel of a town where people know each other and say hello in the store, on the street, at the restaurants. They miss out on the normalcy of walking to a friend's house or to the coffee shop. They miss out on the friendlyness that is seen even as two cars pass on the highway and the drivers share a quick wave and nod. This is the life out here - no wonder I never want to leave!

Those are a few of my "aha" moments of late. I am lucky that my parents are paying my tuition - if it were up to me, I would "take a semester off" and never leave this place. The little white house on the hill would not be empty longer than a night or two. My little red car would be a regular sight around town again. I would finally know the grocery store clerk by name and the dairy queen employees would, once again, know my blizzard order as soon as I walk in the store. But alas, I must return to the crazy and wonderful place of Lubbock. It's not so bad afterall.

It's already over?!

2009-08-16T21:04:00.002-05:00

Well, friends, I have officially ended my Marfalous summer and am back in Lubbock. However, do not worry - my marfalous LIFE has not yet ended. Though I am back to my reality of school, work, sorority, responsibilities, I have already made a trip back West...I wasn't even in the LBK for a week! I went back for a strictly-work trip - helped the hotel with a wedding. Along with my regular duties at the hotel, I mopped/cleaned dishes/moved furniture in 4-inch stilettos, cut wedding cake, guided the bride through the back way of the hotel, and was Vicki's personal manager. It was one busy weekend but I loved it.

I am here in the LBK now. I told my friends in Marfa that though their reality is in Marfa, I lived my fantasy this summer. And, upon arrival in Lubbock, reality hit hard. I suddenly had bills to pay, a job and classes to attend, city traffic and materialism to deal with, places to spend money, and responsibilities to my organizations. WOW. I already miss my marfalous summer and all that it entailed. Don't worry though, Marfa has not seen the last of me. There are plans in the near future to return in all my glory.

I fully intend on continuing this blog. I love to write and have to practice somewhere before my book gets written. Sadly, what I expected to be a long, lazy, and non-social summer turned into one that was over way too fast, kept me very busy, and became very very social...go figure! All that to say, my book was started but not much more than a page, I have yet to finish my one summer book (Gone With the Wind), and left with many friends in the town I love. All very good tradeoffs, I'd say.

Like I said, reality has hit. I must return to my responsibilities now and get some shut eye so that tomorrow can be started with a fresh face and a clear mind.

the bittersweetness of life

2009-07-19T18:19:00.002-05:00

Yet again, it has been quite a while since my last post. I am proud to say, though, that my excuse is legit - I have a life here in Marfa. Not just a "read books on the porch, workout, watch movies" life. This one is the kind where I frequent the Jett's scene (hotel's restaurant), spend evenings with my friend Rose, get DQ blizzards with Lindy, etc. There's just so much going on that I have barely read my extremely long summer book, Gone With the Wind, and am definitely lacking in the sleep area! No time for those things means no time as well for blogging. Sorry :/

I spent this last weekend in Lubbock. Man, I miss that place! I miss the workout machines in the REC, cherry coke and salad bar from Market Street, my perch at J&B coffee shop, seeing my family I have created in Raiderland, all the Tech pride, and I even might miss the wind - but that's just because it's part of Lubbock and I love that town. My new roommate, Tessa, and I officially have the keys to our new house. I have officially moved in all of my stuff and will be there for good in three weeks - gotta finish up here in Marfa and have the long-awaited campmeeting first! My room is about 70% set up, many thanks to Zac and Micah for providing the truck and muscles necessary. We spent Saturday moving furniture and boxes, sanding and priming furniture, unpacking, painting the furniture, and getting things situated. One nice sunburn and two sore arms later, my room is ready to be lived in! The paint color is great...there are lots of windows...big closets...built in desk...HARD WOOD FLOORS. I love it.

The problem with having this great house waiting for me and the rest of my belongings to come home is that I have mixed feelings about summer and campmeeting. Please know: I never have mixed feelings about Campmeeting. It has never happened before that I was not eagerly counting down the days until I drove the 9 hours out West with a week's worth of outfits planned out, high expectations for this year's campmeeting, a crush on one of the boys of my life waiting to be further established. This year I am already in West Texas, I have all my clothes with me anyways, I don't "dress up" anymore than I have to for work, and I have no crush, no boy-expectation looming in front of me. It's not a feeling of not wanting Campmeeting to come - it's just more of an "it happens when it happens" feeling. My reason is this: when CM hits, my time here in Marfa ends. When CM ends, I leave the mountainous West Texas and the life I have so lovingly established for the flat West Texas that I also love and adore. And yet, As much as I love the life I have here in Marfa, I love and miss my Lubbock life. Like I said, there's many facets of life in the LBK that I cannot wait for. There's many aspects of my summer experience that I will miss dearly as well. That is why life as of now is bittersweet.

I am totally happy with how things turned out this summer. No cowboy to whisk me away but that's for the better - no need to end a good summer with a hurting heart. I gained so much more experience and knowledge from my 41-room hotel internship than I could have ever received in a larger hotel. I know people in town now - when I return to visit, my seat at Jett's will be waiting with open arms. I lived here long enough to unpack, settle down, and enjoy the peace and quiet before having to reload the car and watch the mountains disappear in the rearview mirror. It's been a good time that, bittersweetly, will come to an end. I will leave here only to immediately return to the other town I love so dearly, the people I haven't seen in over three months, the restaurants I enjoy frequenting, and the obnoxious Suddenlink commercials which invade all tv stations.

west texas rains.

2009-07-05T08:39:00.003-05:00

Well, here I am on the day after our Nation's birthday. It has, yet again, been a while since I shared of my life with my viewers here on the blog. Right now is a good moment: I am sitting on my porch with a mug of steaming joe. Mom is next to me. We are watching the rains fall down, the lightning illuminate the morning sky, and hearing the fresh sound of water falling on cement, gravel, the roof. In the soundtrack of my life, these moments wouldn't need a song playing. The sounds of the rain and thunder and people stirring in the house are much more descriptive and satisfactory than a song - even a really good song. Yesterday our country had their 223 birthday - Happy Birthday America! How great is it to know that even after all the corruption and problems the USA has had, we still come together to celebrate, and celebrate IN STYLE, the marking of our new nation.

So, since the last post, a lot has happened. Hannah, John, and I went to Balmorhea last weekend and then continued on out to Pecos for the West of the Pecos Rodeo - the original by the way. We stayed the night in Pecos and from there Hannah left our summer out west to return home and get stuff done. My plan was to drive back to Marfa with John and then spend the day working out and being positively lazy. Wrong. We made a side-trip to...the Alpine ER! Yes, that's right - and what a pair we make. Hannah headed home on Sunday and John and I made a 25 mile detour to take him to the nearest ER because his ear had been bothering him. That's an understatement - his ear, yes, bothered him but he also spent the night with it bleeding excessively and with intense pain. So, we figured that, no, we weren't just being overdramatic like we tend to be and, yes, this would be a good moment to go on a hospital adventure together. Well, as John was enduring a fuzzy ear that leaked ear goo, I was freaking about a new "mole" on the side of my neck. It had just sprung up within the last 48 hours, grown, started to bleed and hurt - basically it was looking grim for me. In the ridiculous and often times overdramatic mind of Abby Cobb, I just knew that this mole would soon spread cancer to my brain and I would be dead by August. I wish I was joking about this rational I created but, yes, I saw myself living only a few more months. It wasn't until after we were told by the ER doctor that John had a perforated eardrum (note to self: do NOT go rock diving in a 25 ft. pool...) and would be fine with some antiobiotics that I really allowed myself to freak out. I had a good 5 minutes of freaking out over my new mole when John piped in "you didnt happen to burn yourself with a curling iron"...Wow. Talk about a moment with many emotions: relief, embarrassement, confusion, laughter, awareness. I DID burn myself on Friday morning! So much had happened since then that it totally slipped my mind I suppose. The relief of the situation brought true tears to my eyes - I won't be dying from a mysterious mole anytime soon! Another note to self: do not take Grey's Anatomy episodes too close to heart - they only feed medical freakouts like this most recent one.

What a pair John and I make! Him with a fuzzy and burst eardrum, me freaking out over nothing. We both looked like a million bucks too, I'm sure - no makeup, tired from sleepless nights, fear all over our faces. Thank God our first ER experiences were so mild.

Hannah's departure left me with a dilemma: what to do after work without my partner in crime?? You would think that being all alone at the house would lead to many movies watched, some serious progress on my book, finally finishing "Gone With the Wind"...NAH. I have now found my social scene in Marfa and nothing will get accomplished from here on out. I have things to do, people to see. For a good week, I did not get to go to bed before midnight - an actual shock to my system. I have now finally caught up on my sleep but, let me tell you, when 2:00pm rolls around at work, I start feeling my "late night" from the night before...it's rough. I spent most of my evenings sitting with coworkers at the bar/restaurant in the hotel, Jett's. I love to just sit there and chat with Vicki and Rose, the bartender Jose, any new faces joining us at the bar. I have a tonic with lime, or sometimes Jose will experiment with a new virgin cocktail for me. After the bar "closes", we will stay with Jose while he wraps things up. There was game night on Tuesday, live music at the courtyard on Monday, movie night with Mitch on Wednesday night - SO MUCH TO DO. I couldn't be any happier than I am now. Vicki and I have begun to lament the day I leave for Lubbock - what a sad moment that will be. Jett's is the local scene I have always loved about J&B in Lubbock - only at Jett's I WORK there and know everyone. Marfa is where my heart will forever remain. I have found a kindred spirit in my boss, of all people, and we text on a regular basis. Rose and I have many chats over many topics - all our chats are delightful and eye-opening. I have learned much about myself and other people - how we all relate to each other.

There is a quick wrap up on my last few days here. All is well, school and Camp Meeting are right around the corner and, yet, I would be happy with a few more weeks before then. I just am not ready to leave so I will utilize my last month as best as possible.

A Tribute to the English Language

2009-06-24T12:49:00.002-05:00

Last week, I worked in the gift shop some, helping with inventory and restocking. We have a variety of books available throughout the store and a particular room for art books, books on writing, etc. While doing my inventory checks, I stumbled upon this book, "For the Love of Letters" by Samara O'Shea. My new favorite book! It discusses the need to continue the art of letter writing, the personal nature a hand written note takes, the loss of the English language when we resort to only communicating via technology. She goes through the various types of letters - love, erotica, goodbyes, break ups, thank yous, apology letters - and, by using letters from history, shares tips with the reader on how to write good letters. As a huge fan of writing to people, this book immediately caught my eye. I read through it on breaks until I got paid and now have my very own copy!

I just want to share my favorite passage with you. This passage is in the introduction and, as soon as I read it, I knew this book was for me. Just soak it up, experience the sensuality of her words, and consider the truth of what she says...

My concern is, though, that what we gain in speed we lose in language - and, just a reminder, we are the heirs of a resplendent language. English is curvaceous, complex, and beautiful. Fluent and fierce. She is the lover you will always adore but will never fully know because there's too much to know. She is a true seductress - devious and overt, offering endless possibilities. With her I could tell you that you look gorgeous or that you look exquisite or that my body lost its breath when I happened upon you. When we encounter her placed in uncommon and alluring order we find inspiration and purpose. We find connection with ideas, with emotions, with people we know, with people we will never know, and with time periods that we must learn from and understand... Let's set time aside and allow our lovely language to bask in a place that has already proven its staying power: on paper. We must spread her our so that she can dazzle and breathe. Like all living things, if she does not breathe she will die.

- For the Love of Letters, Samara O'Shea pp. x-xi

Thanks to God for the peace He brings.

2009-06-24T12:17:00.002-05:00

Wow, I have yet again gone a long while with no update. I wish I could excuse it with "oh I am soo busy" but really, my life seems to have taken on a very regular pace. I normally work from about 9-4ish then come home for a facebook check, workout with Hannah, make supper, watch our nightly movie and head to bed around 10ish. I kid you not, if our nightly movie is not finished bye 10:00 we, mostly Hannah though, seem to kind of freak out. Who knows why - I guess we are all just creatures of habit. So, it's not that I am particularly BUSY but once I find a routine, I rarely break it.

However, today my boss, Vicki, broke my routine for me. She's having me come in at 5 to "help" in the restaurant. Basically, I will more likely be in the way but will be able to put on my internship report (for the semester credit at school...) that I helped in the restaurant and now have experience there. I will probably bus a few tables, maybe take an order or two...who really knows! Haha, either way, I like the bartender working tonight so it will be another adventure in the life of Abby.

This past weekend was a very delightful one. Each weekend thus far has been marked by a specific event: 1st weekend was the party at Mitch's with him, Clay, and their crowd; 2nd weekend Sam and Sarah came out; this weekend was my favorite. On Saturday, I drove the 2.5 hours to El Paso to 1) CASH MY PAYCHECK!!! 2) go spend some of that hard earned money at a target and 3) MEET UP WITH RACHEL!!! For those of you unaware, Rachel is my best friend. We have known each other through Campmeeting for many years but did not realize the potential of besties until we were Freshman roommates at Texas Tech. Many factors from that year helped us establish a very unique roommate relationship. I hurt for those who have horror stories of their freshman roommates. The worst thing mine ever did was encourage me to workout more than I wanted to or spill hot candle wax on my bedspread. And, those few complaints I had at the time are mere laughing matters now. Anyways, life has not let us live together again but I fully intend on having her as my roommate once again as a senior in college - we started off with a bang, might as well end it that way!

Needless to say, getting to meet up with Rachel after over a month of her absence in my life was a very special thing. Well worth the drive, we did some shopping, LOTS of talking (there are some things that just CANT be said in a phone conversation), plenty of eating, and some laughing tagged along as well. I wish I could portray in this post just how much she means to me but, well, words fail sometimes. So, instead, just know that getting to hang out with her was perfectly wonderful but only increased the desire to return to my life in Lubbock so we can be together all the time haha!

One thing that has been on my mind lately is just how great our God and our Faith is. I work with a proclaimed agnostic and another who refuses the gospel. The agnostic, let's call him Joe, believes in nothing after death. That this life is all we have. The other, "Ellen", believes in something after death but it's not Heaven. They were both raised among Catholics and Protestants so the word of God is no unknown book to them. They both are aware of the religion's beliefs and find it ridiculous, for the most part."Joe" seems to be unhappy in general. He recently told me that there's nothing to live for but morals and ethics because this life is all we have. Wow. These conversations seem to come up quite often. Both are very aware of what I believe and, though they try to not be offensive, do not refrain from discussing the ridiculousness of religion or Christian beliefs. This is fine with me - everyone has a right to believe what they choose to believe. Yet, it hurts my heart to see all this taking place. I see "Joe" and his unhappiness, his lack of hope or reason to live. I see how he deals with situations and just hurt for him. Having something and Someone to live for makes such the difference in life. I might not live my faith as completely as I should - I definitely mess up enough. But, it's the knowledge and peace, that only God can provide, that having faith in Jesus brings, that makes the difference. I know that, no matter how bad or depressing things get in the world, no matter how much destruction occurs, there is something so much better to come. I have more than my few years here on earth, whether I live to be 21 or 101. I believe that even just the knowing of an eternity spent with a loving God, and not just a decaying body in the ground, makes a person's demeanor and view of things change. Yes, it is true that much of Heaven is unknown. Yet, we know so much more about that destiny than what happens if there's just "something" after death. And, it's much more comforting to picture a golden paved pathway leading me to my Jesus than to see my decaying body slowly disintegrate under ground.

I have also seen how lonely a life without Salvation must be. When you have no expectation of a better life after the one on earth, it makes sense to fill life with anything and everything that brings a small amount of happiness. If this life is all we have to experience, if there is nothing better to come, how lonely it must be to experience your short lifetime alone. No wonder so many people shack up and stay in unhealthy, unsatisfying relationships or jobs. No wonder so much time is spent experiencing life's pleasures and staying in relationships that, in reality, are not healthy at all. I would do anything to spend the few years of my life with someone and not alone. But, fortunately for me, I know that whether alone or with those I love or even those I am no fan of, I will be okay. As long as my life is lived to the fullest and I experience God's glory, his gifts to us, and use my talents for His Glory, things will be okay in the end. I love that not only is He in control of my life but He is a friend, a comfort when there's no one else around. I will get to be with him for eternity, not just the time I get here on earth.

Please keep in your prayers those who do not know the peace and hope that comes from salvation, from a God who interacts with his people. A God who CARES. My favorite verse, Isaiah 40:28-31, claims that "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." How exhausting and lonely it must be to not have Hope, to not have the peace of something better to come even when things here get worse and worse.

Well, I must go work on my book! I really am writing one...keep your eyes out for it in the next few years haha!

take me out to the ball game...

2009-06-15T21:59:00.002-05:00

Did you know that they have a minor league baseball team out here? Well, SURE DO! Alpine (about 25 miles from Marfa and a notch up the scale of town sizes) is home to the Big Bend Cowboys - a team that is back after a couple decades' hiatus. There is a BEAUTIFUL stadium in Alpine that overlooks the West Texas mountains and makes for a lovely sight during the evening games. Hannah and I went to town on Friday to catch a few innings and were there right when sunset occurred. We raced to the car so that we could drive part of the way home into the sunset - purples, pinks, oranges. There's nothing like an evening out west.

Along with "watching baseball" and experiencing God's glorious sunset, we managed to focus mainly on the actual baseball players. These guys are from all over - some from as far north as New York, as far south as Latin America, and everywhere between. After seeing only the men who come in and out of the hotel and Paul, the guy I work with, it was nice to set my eyes on a young, fresh crowd...especially the Latinos :) For only five bucks, we had the best seats in town: backless benches separated only by a chain link fence from the team's dug out. In other words, prime viewing of the Cowboys. My man is number 25 and Hannah's is 5. How sad is it that I could immediately tell which one she would take a liking to? Before she even sat down with me (a phone call hindered her entrance into baseball glory), I could tell who she would prefer and, of course, who I preferred. Though we didn't stay the entire game (our early bedtime we are now accustomed to called our names), we plan on seeing those boys again. There's a street dance festival in Alpine this Friday so perhaps we will see them there? Hopefully they will wear their jerseys so we are able to distinguish them!

Saturday was a delightfully productive day. After both of us got our own workouts in for the day, we decided to do some chores around the house. We had friends (Sam and Sarah) coming in for the night so that inspired us to...well, be very married like I guess. Hannah took the man's role and rearranged patio furniture, mowed the lawn, and cut the watermelon for supper. I swept out the house, baked a cake, and made some yummy Texas Caviar for our staple - Fritos. It was such a successful morning that we both needed a laying out break - we set up camp next to our purple kiddie pool for refreshing ourselves and lounged about on the old cots we used to sleep on. Our Sita would be so proud to know that we reused those cots after so many years! After so much activity and the sun draining us of what was left, we had just enough energy to shower and take much needed naps. I LOVE afternoon naps. It was pretty warm out too so I quite literally passed out. When I woke up, it took a good 10 minutes to clear my head and make sense of reality. I think I nap better then when I sleep at night!

Enough with the nap...Sam and Sarah (both of the Means family but 2nd cousins...Hannah and Sarah are bff and Sam is, well, he's Sam!) came over to cook supper and just hang out. I went down to the hotel to return "Giant" (everyone must see it. The cast - Rock Hudson, James Dean, Elizabeth Taylor - all stayed at the Hotel while they filmed) and ran into a few friends. Between chatting with them on the patio and chatting with my friends at the front desk, my little walk to drop the movie off turned into quite an event! I love going places in town and knowing people. That's something I have always waited for in this town and it's finally working out for me! Back at the house, Sam had made some mouth-watering brisket, yummy homemade biscuits, and later we had my chocolate cake. If the food is that great, you KNOW the night was a good one :) And that it was. I love getting to sit around and chat with old friends. You know it's good when you don't have to do too much catching up - things just fall right back into place. That's how it is with my west Texas folks...and I love it.

On Sunday morning, Hannah and I decided it was time to try out a church in town. We used to always go to the Baptist church when the whole "Camp Marfa" gang was in town. We walked the 2 blocks, more than doubled the congregation, and always, without a doubt, had to perform. Yes, that's right - perform. Normally this consisted of Hannah and I playing a piano duet, Naomi playing a piano song, and Zac/Kate doing a sweet little VBS song for all to see. They were the babies, and still are, of the crowd and everyone loved seeing them - Zac with his white blond curls and Kate doting on him. They were a precious pair. I distinctly remember the year they sang "The Gospel Fuzzies" - a musical version of the gospel bracelets only you have a glove with the colored fuzzies on each finger. The Baptists of Marfa sure seemed to enjoy that one! Well, Hannah and I opted to bypass the "oh, you're Mary Helm's family?!" moments and try a new church. I ran past a quaint rock church the other day and noticed that their service was not until 10am - perfect time for church. So, that's where we went and believe me, I will be back every Sunday I am out here! The two of us were the youngest by about 40 years and seemed to be quite the novelty. Everyone greeted us, they had us introduce ourselves during the sermon, and a few even said to call them if we needed anything. If only I could remember their names I would TOTALLY take them up on that offer. It was the Presbyterian church (a shame to my Baptist and Methodist grandmothers, I'm sure) so new to me. But I just loved the small congregation, the familial atmosphere, and the knowledge that all was well within those walls. It was a surprising delight, not just a dreary church service to check off of my list of things to do. I will be going back on Sunday with my heart ready and my voice ready to bellow out the beloved hymns of years past.

Here begins my third week in the town I love so much. It's amazing to think that I have actually gotten to spend this much consecutive time out here! Except for a desire to shop at Target and see a few of my peeps/family, I have absolutely no need or want to leave. I am enjoying each and every morning at work, walk to the Hotel, lazy evening, and sunset from the porch. I can only hope that those who read this are enjoying their summer as much as I am. Even if you are stuck in the city or in a cubicle job, just remember that days are limited and we must embrace every moment with those we love. Enjoy your week of summer bliss. I will share a hot dog at the next baseball game in memory of all those following my life. Love and hugs and kisses!

P.S. this was what I found on my kitchen floor one night!

2009-06-08T10:27:00.001-05:00

here begins another week :)

2009-06-08T09:57:00.004-05:00

Though nothing terribly exciting happened, this was a delightful weekend. My aunt Joni, Kate, and Hannah were here until Saturday when AJoni and Kate headed home to the big city and hannah stayed for a few weeks out here. I love my family. Being with them is lovely even when we bug each other. I didnt appreciate my family (extended and immediate) until a few years ago and missed out on a lot of fun I'm sure. Unfortunately, I was one of those teenage girls whose friends are the center of her world and life revolves around ME. The good thing now is that having had that attitude makes me better appreciate those friends who are still around despite college and moving away but also my family. So, hear it loud and clear: I LOVE MY FAMILY :)

Let's see - this weekend included much laziness on my part (and Hannah's too!). Friday, I worked at the hotel, a job I am loving more and more each day. It really is a dream internship. I got to help put wedding favors in the guests' rooms for this weekend's wedding. I trimmed the geraniums, was treated to a yummy pizza lunch, had chat time with my lovely coworkers, Paul and Jeanne. Basically, I am very happy. For those of you who worried that I would be (silly yall!), go ahead and know that I am good to go. Friday evening was followed with me helping Lisa at the Austin Street Café. She did the rehearsal dinner for the wedding party there and I was the chosen helper. Now, just in case my hotel job isn't good enough, God let me stumble in the path of Lisa and Jack. We chat and laugh, taste the food that is being served, have non-alcoholic beers, eat any leftovers for supper, and I get paid to have all this fun! Lisa is the best teacher too. She took me out into her very expansive garden to teach me a bit about different herbs like lemon verbana, various mints, and basil. I am now bound and determined to start up an herb garden - cross your fingers there. I feel I just need a bit of experience, some failed plants, and then some successes to truly have a green thumb. We shall see...

Well, as if Friday night wasn't enough fun helping out Lisa and Jack, I got home and AJoni and I decided that I looked too cute to NOT go out to my friend's ranch for their party weekend. I gathered up the courage to head on out (I do NOT like to do things like that without my wingman...) and ended up having a very good time. I got to see my old friend, Clay, and visit with some new people. I was the "score keeper" of the ping pong games, although I doubt I did any good seeing how I don't know how to play or what counts as a score. All in all, Friday was a good day/night. And whoever thought I'd be BORED out here?!

The rest of the weekend was delightful but lazy as they get. Hannah and I allowed ourselves to get sucked into the thrills of Dawson's Creek - the 6th season. It is my FAVORITE series by far - I love the dramatic nature and am in love with Pacey Whitter. Anyways, we did manage to go on a walk or two, make dinner both nights, and get a few chores done in between episodes. A few productive things we did? We made ourselves lovely dinner lovely suppers both nights: Saturday was yummy pasta and a summery salad topped with a cocktail of capri-sun - very big girl drink and Sunday was Pasta Primavera with grilled chicken. Here's a picture of our first supper together and then one of Hannah's expertise in mowing the lawn:

Along with laundry, visiting with Clay in town, making supper and cookies, and (of course) finished the season of Dawson's Creek, we have CLEARLY been two very busy girls. It's almost like we need a weekend to rest from all the excitement...Nah, we need the week to start so we can get back to work. I like having a job to get up for in the morning, to pick an outfit for, and to get paid for. Makes a girl feel kinda grown up!

This week on the agenda: I will be starting to see the housekeeping side of a hotel. Today I work the evening shift so I can see what evening housekeeping is like as well as the front desk's evening duties - mostly checking people in and preparing the books for the next morning. I will be cleaning some toilets I'm sure as no good manager can tell their employees to do something that they have never had to do. I might be co-helping with a mini event at the hotel as well. Nothing fancy just another thing to add to my experience :) There is a band coming to town on Saturday and some home baseball games this week in Alpine - between that, working, and porch time I am sure to be a busy girl! Keep posted for more on my life.

a slow paced life is a happy life for me.

2009-06-04T14:54:00.003-05:00

I was informed today by a friend that there had been no update in about 5 days - that is just unacceptable! It isn't a lack of time that's for sure. More of a lack of things to share. I have been waiting to post until I had some great story or moment to put into words here and, well, today I got one. I have been working now for 4 days in the morning shift at the hotel. It is a slow week for us - I guess not many wanted to experience the culture of a west Texas summer - so I have learned much but there isnt enough happening to keep us busy. I have become friends with Jeanne and Paul, the other two front desk clerks with me, and look forward to chatting with them more. I have gotten some yummy food provided by the cook's experiments and get there at 7 am to help open up which means I fully experience a morning here :) I really do love my job. And I get paid to hang out in a hotel, meet customers and hear about their trips, and share my love and knowledge of the great West! It was a match made in Heaven.

Anyways, so yesterday an older man come into the hotel to pick something up. He was a flirty man which means easy to talk to and nice enough. Naturally, I chatted with him while the others looked for his item to be picked up. We talked about how "busy" our job is - how terribly difficult it is to stand at a counter, leaning against it, and chat until a customer comes by. "Yes, yes, it is really hard work" we discussed, very sarcastic of course. I asked if he had been to Padre's, the new bar/hang out around here, and he sure enough hadn't but thought it sounded interesting. Anyways, we said our goodbyes and that was that...until this afternoon. I got a phone call on the Paisano's phone...very odd, they asked for Abby. Jeanne brought me the phone and looked kinda confused but said that the call was for me. Well, I answered and asked who was speaking. He said "This is Dougie. Are you leaning on the counter pretending not to be bored again?" WEll, naturally I thought that someone was watching me and trying to trick me! So, I confusedly looked around the hotel for someone on a phone because I WAS leaning on the counter and pretending to not be bored! How strange! I kind of laughed and said "Yes, who is this again? Do I know you?" Well, he refreshed my memory that we had chatted the day before about leaning on the counter and such...he then proceeds to ask me if I wanted to go out to Padres the next night with him! I said "oh, Friday night? Like tomorrow?" only struggling to think of some answer to get me out of a DATE at a BAR with an old man! "yeah", he said, "would you like to go try it out with me tomorrow night?" Thank goodness I am working tomorrow night! So I politely told him that I have a catering gig and wouldn't be done until late...He said, "well another time then" and that was that... WEIRD! Haha, Jeanne felt so terrible after she realized what that conversation was. Especially for leaving me alone with him for a brief moment the day before! If only he was about 40 years younger - guys these days should be more forward and open to asking girls out! But yuck...I am a no go there ha!

Well, aside from that, my life is pretty slow and stable right now. I love it that way. Hannah, Aunt Joni, and Kate came in last night - Hannah for June to teach art classes and Aunt Joni and Kate just until Saturday. I don't have to sleep alone anymore!

weekend roundup.

2009-05-31T19:21:00.005-05:00

Well, here we are at the end of a lovely Sunday afternoon and a delightful weekend. Sunday's are both a blessing and a curse, as we all know: we rest from a fun weekend but also to ready ourselves for another week. As much of a bummer as it is that we must buck up and go back to work or school the next morning, Sunday's also mean that we are given yet another week of life and experiences. Lucky us for making it this far!

This weekend was

going to be my weekend to rest up, enjoy having NOTHING to do, and let myself get absolutely bored with having nothing to do so that by Monday morning, I would be ready to start working. Well, so much for boring myself out! Yesterday I had a wonderful opportunity to help my friend Lisa in her cafe, the Austin Street Café. She had a private brunch and let me help serve waffles, toast bagels, and clear tables. Yes, I do enjoy this kind of thing - crazy, I know!

After waking up at 6:30, jogging for the first time in a few days, and then being on my feet and moving around for a good 5 hours, I was POOPED! My legs were to the point of tired that no position was a good position. I was hungry but not hungry enough to fix anything. I tried to nap but my mind had too much going on to let that happen. Yet, I LOVED my yesterday! It was an accomplished feeling at the end of the day. I worked out, worked in an environment that I could easily get used to, was thought to be much older than I am (yay!), and then had plenty of time to relax. I ended the day by making yummy spaghetti for myself and my friend (yes, I do have a few out here) and watching "All the Pretty Horses." Such a beautiful film. Go watch it. So, Saturday quickly went from a day of "nothing planned" to plenty to do, places to be, and meeting new people. That's never a bad thing!

Rather than pay me for helping yesterday, Lisa let me come over today and bake with her. Now, most college students would gladly take money over working in a warm kitchen for 5 hours but I know the knowledge and experience that Lisa has. I want, nay I NEED to learn from her! A woman from Santa Fe, Lisa used to do catering and then moved to Marfa for a relaxing life...only she opened what turned out to be a VERY successful café which then lead to catering and wedding cakes! Anyone who knows me is aware of my LOVE for both cakes and weddings. I don't experience much with recipes - I know what I like and what others like to eat and that's what I stick to. And if I could get my hands on a job that let me meddle in the wedding business, I would be okay with life (just bring me a good, God-fearing cowboy and no one gets hurt!). So, the opportunity to help Lisa with a WEDDING CAKE and learn her recipes, gain some of her experienced knowledge, and establish a friendship with such an intriguing person definitely grabbed my attention. We spent much time flipping through wedding cake books and found that, for the most part, we think the same in that area. Forget flippin fondant - give me a moist slice of cake with little adoration and a not-too-sweet buttercream frosting! Mmm... Anyways, she made me an extra strong cappaccino, much to my liking, I tied on an apron, and we got to working. In the midst of teaching me some never-to-be-forgotten recipes, she allowed me to not only watch and assist but to actually make the sweet frosting and cake. What a lovely time we had! I might even help her with another party on Friday - more experience and cold hard cash :)

After leaving the café on my bicycle (p.s. talk about a workout! especially because the house is uphill!) with my basket laden with bagels, potato salad, and popcorn kernels (she swears it's the ONLY way to make popcorn), I made it home in time to enjoy the rest of the afternoon and the clouds rolling on in. I love being here. I haven't gotten the chance to get bored but that's okay - I am ready to begin my week and thus my summer. I have already learned so much - how much more will I learn working in a hotel?!

today.

2009-05-30T20:01:00.002-05:00

Today was my first full day as a summer resident in Marfa. My morning began at a ridiculous hour - 6:30 am when I was awoken by the birds chirping and the trains chugging along by the house. I like sleeping with my windows open out here because the breeze feels oh so good but the "city" noise just really messes with my sleeping schedule :) So, since I had some extra time after waking up so early, I went for a jog - I figured I would get my workout over with so I wouldn't have to come up with an excuse later haha. While jogging, I realized that, at least in West Texas, 6:30 am is really not an "unGodly hour". It is only at this point in the morning that one is able to experience a West Texas sunrise. I rarely see this because I normally sleep until the risen sun awakes me. But alas, today I had one of those breathtaking moments...and not just because my out of shape self was jogging along! The sky was truly stunning - purples and pinks in every shade just took over the sky and the mountains were a dark blue. Such beauty this world possesses! Thank God, for real, that there are moments like those. I found myself purposefully running up the hill - something I avoid at ALL costs - in order to see the multicolored sky for a moment longer. It was amazing.

Thinking about this made me also ponder the incredible genius that God is. He provides us with the day time hours of sunshine when we (at least most people) work and socialize. Then we have the night time, a few hours where the world becomes quiet, the lights are shut off, and we are allowed to rest and rejuvenate our minds, bodies, and spirits. How reassuring it is to know that, in the words of Scarlett O'Hara, "tomorrow is another day" - another opportunity to experience life and build relationships. I love that God gave us day and night, a time to "live" and a time to rest. What an extremely vivid example of His Grace - we live life and then sleep only to awake to the glorious Light and eternal life. Mmm, God is good and I see it so much more clearly from the porch of our little adobe house. On my perch, I begin the day with a quiet time to rejuvenate and remember, then work my way throughout the day with the town's sounds as my soundtrack, and end the evening with a gorgeous sunset and the quietening of streets and homes. I love it. Just another way to show that God knows our needs (to have a quiet time after a long day) and consistently reveals himself through daily activities (remember that our full circle of day and night reflects the full circle of a life in Jesus).

Ok, well, I have activities of the day to report but I will save that for another time. This gal is HUNGRY and must rummage around for something to eat. Hmmm, I'm feeling spaghetti tonight :)

home sweet home

2009-05-29T16:10:00.002-05:00

As anyone who knows me would attest to, I have a loud speaking voice. It's probably about 1 or 3 decibals above a "normal" volume to speak at. I don't MEAN to be loud but it just happens. My sister says it's my need for constant attention, I think I am just deafening at a young age. In elementary school, I often got in trouble for talking - it wasnt that I was the ONLY one talking, they just didnt hear the others. So unfair! In high school, they teased me by saying i have a voice modulation disorder, or something like that... Whatever the reason, I speak loudly - supposedly people can recognize my voice from quite a good distance.

So, as you can imagine, those situations where talking is acceptable as long as it is your "inside voice", whatever the heck that means! Today I encountered such a situation. On my way home (aka to Marfa where I now sit tying away on the porch), I had some intense hunger pains. Rather than brave the sketchy McDonald's or use the nasty outside Sonic bathrooms, I sprung for some real food - Pappy's BBQ in Monahans. I dont really like to do things alone but I dont have any problem with picking up something to go and eating it in my car like a true loser. So, after having two very attractive and older men open the doors for me (sadly, they were both wearing wedding bands...), I entered the local joint. I immediately got nervous - NO ONE was talking! Wait, let me rephrase this: no one was talking above what I consider to be a whisper! It was weird! I had to order my meal in an uncomfortably quieter voice - such a foreign experience from the hustle and bustle you find in Dallas or Lubbock...or anywhere for that matter! I mean, good thing I planned on leaving from the beginning - the noise around my car was louder than the voices in that building! I did realize what the issue was: the customers were 90% men, they were all the rancher type, and they clearly had one thing and one thing only on their minds...FOOD. After a long morning on the ranch, I guess I can't blame them. But still, I had to rethink the situation: Am I really THAT used to talking at a normal level or was it just a weird place? Who knows...

So, as I drove the last 2 hours of my trip to Marfa, I had that to consider. Of course, I got tired of thinking about my flawed decibel of talking and turned on my newest book on tape: Harry Potter #5 - The Order of the Phoenix. For anyone who is unaware, I am a Harry Potter fanatic! I am now listening to the last three on tape so I can be better prepared for the upcoming movie in July. As I drove down I-20, I constantly had to turn up the volume...more than halfway of the alotted volume "dashes" appeared! So, maybe I really am deafening myself? Oh well, at least you all hear me coming.

P.S. it's fixin to rain here :)

It's finally here!

2009-05-27T13:39:00.003-05:00

After years of hoping, months of building up excitement, and weeks of waiting for THE time to come, I am finally off towards my summer in Marfa. I have honestly wanted this to happen for a good five years now. Summer before senior year in high school, I tried so very hard to convince my parents that they should let me live, by myself, in Marfa for the summer. Forget that I was only 17, forget that I had no job lined up, forget that I had no CAR to transport me around the West Texas dessert. I just knew that a summer in Marfa was just what I needed to get ready for senior year and for "real" life - as if college is "real" life!

They, however, did not agree with my convictions. Much to my dismay, they would not allow me too mooch an unused car off of family friends or bike around Presidio County. I still don't totally understand but, then again, I REALLY wanted to experience that... So, now a few years later with a LITTLE bit of life experience and hopefully some maturity under my belt, I embark on the next adventure in the life of Abby. As a girl who LOVES to be out West and whose heart resides there, this experience is right up my alley. I am 99.99% sure that I am more excited for this experience than I was for last year's summer as a Spaniard. Even amidst the Spanish culture, handsome latino men, and delicious sangria, I couldn't wait for my return home and immediate excursion to the great west. Sorry Spain, ya never really had a chance with this Texas gal - born and raised!

Tomorrow I will leave the humidity and family love of Dallas to live in our Marfa house for the next few months. I have a really exciting opportunity to be THE (yes, the one and only) intern for a chain of hotels out there. They aren't massive or commercialized hotels. They still have the old, vintage style and hospitality that so many love about the Lone Star State. Not only do I get to clean toilets and make beds, I will get some unique and inside observations of how smaller hotels are run. PLUS, I will help them open the newest concept - a hotel better suited for the interstate travelers of today. For those in the hospitality industry, you know that if a student of hospitality management can get her hands on experience in OPENING a hotel, you are leaps and bounds ahead of the rest. YAY!

Along with work, I fully intend on utilizing the kiddie pool my Aunt purchased for my cousin and I, soaking up lots of local and cultural color, working on my lovely tan, working on my summer project (I want to start writing a book!), and spending hours upon of hours on the porch. Honestly, where the porch is does not matter - so long as it is in West Texas and has a view!

For those who want to hear about the horrors of working in a hotel; for those who want to know of my progress in finding my cowboy who will sweep me off of me feet and into his lovely ranch house; for those who just have nothing better to do this summer - read my blog, delight in my perfect summer, and experience the magic of West Texas with me.

"Texas is neither southern nor western. Texas is Texas." -Senator William Blakley