a taste of texas.

For those of you unaware, I am smack dab in the middle of an extensive texas tour. Only a true Texas lover could spend this much time in the car, see this many places, and actually enjoy each added mile. In 24 hours, I went from Marfa where there are mountains and cowboys to Midland where oil rigs decorate the horizon to San Antonio where there are rolling hills and house after house after house to El Campo where farm land and farmers make up 90% of the scenery. Talk about a day! I then proceeded to Dallas, where I am currently, for my little brother's (though he's hardly my little brother anymore) high school graduation and some family time in the Big D. He looked so sharp in the white tux that the boys wear, sitting on the outdoor stage, and taking that next step to becoming a big kid. Look at how dashing he is (with myself and the parentals):

Naomi (oldest of us three) is currently living the life of a Euro chick in Espana. We have missed her these last six months as our family had many big moments together: Christmas, a death and funeral of a beloved friend, Easter, Zac's graduation, etc. But we know she is living the adventure of a lifetime and that makes her absence a bit easier on everyone. Plus, good thing there is Skype - she joined us on Christmas morning and Valentine's Day from half-way around the world! Anyways, growing up with two domineering sisters means Zac suffered many smooches over the years. However, when I was little, I never actually put my lips to his face - he was my little brother and therefore too dirty for my lips. Here is a customary photo from last night's festivities (hermana, you have your side waiting for you...):

He is just so handsome. Sorry girls - he is very much taken!

So, here I sit in my childhood home full on yummy deliciousness that is only found in Big D. I love the food in Lubbock, I love the food in Marfa. But, coming to Dallas opens SO many doors to the world of culinary arts that are rare for those like me who, sadly, don't care to return to the city all that often. My newest realization: I HATE the city. It is great for shopping, going out to eat, and the cultural scene on occasion. But, it's not a place I need to live...ever. Lubbock is just big enough for me, Marfa just quaint enough. If you know any respectable, single men in the age group of 24-30 that prefer small town life to the city, pass along my name and number. I'm on the lookout and always up for a sneaky matchmaker moment!

Next on my agenda? Quick trip to Midland and then Marfa to pick up my car on Tuesday, San Antonio for Wednesday evening/night, and then Austin for the final grandchild's high school graduation. Weird to all be out of high school and in "the real world"...

Marfa means...a resting place before, in the midst of, and after all this traveling!

a weekend of destruction.

Well, I think it would be safest if I was given the boundaries of my porch, bedroom, and kitchen here at the Marfa house. Today I was asked what's new in my life...let me share with yall what is new since Friday night...

1) There I was driving on the ranch road home from my friend's house. Just wanted to catch up and see him for a bit. And the next thing I know, my car is up on rocks and swerving towards a large hill of earth/rock (picture a cliff that is about 15 feet high and dirt/rock mix)...then I swerve to prevent this large hill...go another probably 15 yards and end up lodged on a very large cement rock/block structure. From the moment it began until that ending atop the infamous rock, it was a good 55-60 yards of fear, panic, and trying to not flip. Actually, the fact that I DIDN'T flip or get hurt anymore than the busted oil pan is a miracle in and of itself. You know that song, "Jesus take the wheel..."?? Well, He did just that on Friday night. After an afternoon with my friend, Sam, of jacking up the car, removing said rock from underneath, and figuring out how to rope her behind his truck, we arrived back in M-town to assess the damage. What should take about 20 minutes on a paved road to get home took over an hour due to driving 10 miles an hour with a little red car behind the big, savior truck. At least Lola was safe and able to be fixed!

2) Then today I was, being the good granddaughter that I am, mowing the lawn instead of hiring someone else to do it. I had gotten into my mowing zone and was solely focused on destroying the large bush of weeds before me. They were at least 3 feet tall and a large amount of them - I thought that surely my strength, determination, and newly established mowing skills could defeat said bush. Well, I did...after busting a sneaky PVC plumbing pipe that was hidden amongst the weeds! It was a spring of fresh, delicious water flowing freely onto the very dry ground of our backyard...only, water is a limited commodity out here and it needed to be rescued, not wasted on pestering weeds! I frantically grabbed my phone and called the only logical person that could help in dire moments: my mother. Well, her being in Dallas and not being a plumber did not help too much...she instructed me to head to Wayne's across the street and then Dan's behind our house. Anyways, after about 30 minutes of the three of us (ok, just them two...I just stood by and watched) digging out the water power nozzle thing, turning off the water, replacing the chopped off top to the pvc pipe, and returning the water on, we (or maybe just they...) fixed it. In reality, it was not a huge deal thanks to my VERY generous and understanding neighbors. But, it was still yet another destructive move of mine, though not on purpose, and another life lesson to add to the books.

So, I have had my share of excitement, stupidity, and fixing problems that were probably easily prevented in the first place. Man, it's exhausting being me! The car is actually not so bad since a oil pan is nothing in comparison to what the damage could have been. The problem there is that I was supposed to leave for Houston on Tuesday for a 12 day drive/adventure throughout Texas for various graduations, family times, and friend seeings. Lola will not be accompanying me on this adventure and I am currently trying to figure out a) can I get a rental car for a decent price that insurance will cover and b) can I get back to Marfa by Saturday night?? These both need to happen as I have no dollars and I work on Sunday morning. Great.

On a lighter note and to add some humor to the post (although, both of the former scenarios definitely have elements of humor and ridiculousness...), I had a delicous dipped cone from DQ today. I was working on researching the rental car situation this afternoon when it hit me: I need...I want...I DESERVE a DQ dipped cone! Well, I am currently carless and my legs are tired from today's run and mowing adventure so I proceeded to dig out the bicycles hidden in the garage. After hauling the first to the alley, I realized it had a flat. After hauling the 2nd to the alley, I realized that biking up hill with tired legs is EXHAUSTING! But there was the creaminess of DQ soft-serve, the crunch of the cake cone, and the deliciousness of the hard chocolate shell in my vision pressing me on towards the goal: DQ. Though I am sure I looked ridiculous, I made it to this place of deliciousness and sat on the curb whilst enjoying my sweet, crunchy, chocolatey treat. What a way to end the day...until it started sprinkling and I still had to get home! Oh well. Tammy accompanied on the phone while I pedaled through a light sprinkle...I took the long route home just to avoid the dreaded hill behind the house. Trust me - it was worth the extra .3241 miles that it might have taken me.

All in all, my first weekend here in Marfa was, well, MARFAlous. It had plenty of moments to keep me on my toes, time catching up with friends, and ended with a classic treat from a classic stop. I hope you all were as active and entertained as I was this weekend but maybe a bit less destructive in the process. Happy Sunday and love from the little house on the hill.


Marfa means...small enough to bike for a needed DQ treat when your car is currently out of service.

a few thoughts.

Today I went running after work - I normally go running in the mornings, on a treadmill, and in Lubbock where the land is flat even if I did run outside. Needless to say, the run didn't go so well. I am a bit nervous that if I THOUGHT I was in shape, what out of shape looks like! Granted I haven't worked out in a few days, had a big night out (mmm cold beer) before leaving Lubbock, and ate only a few hours before running today. But still, I hurt more than I normally do. Bummer. But, in the lack of running that I did and the replacement of speed walking, I had plenty of time to think through things. Here is a blueprint of some thoughts from today's workout experience:

- There are a two things in life that I can honestly say I HATE:
1) BIRDS. Don't like them, think they're gross and disease carrying, am annoyed by a bird chirp waking me up, they can fly and I cannot. Yes, I have seen the famous movie, The Birds, but do not attribute that to my extreme dislike and even more extreme fear of the avis race. I have had far too many experiences with birds that are weird, uncanny, and a bit neurotic. I envision them flying AT me and pecking at me. It has happened before - this is not just a freakish issue I have. Today's run brought me passing under a tree as about 15 HUGE and FAT crows decided to leave the limbs and embrace the sky. If only they had waited until I was not UNDER the tree.
2) BARKING DOGS. Especially the little yappy ones. While large dogs are capable of knocking me over and destroying me, little yappy ones are the kind that most often decide to chase running girls with their annoying "yip yip yipping" and could use their extremely sharp teeth to do some serious work on my famous calves. This also happened...TWICE today. Perhaps running from stupid dogs at an extraordinary pace could be the reason I was so much more tired than normal?

- I still really really want to participate in a half-marathon. John, my best friend who is now with Jesus, was an avid runner. He spent his high school and college years planning his days and diet around running - no Dr. Pepper during season! As I got more interested in running (and joined the cross country team in HS for the sole purpose of fulfilling that dreaded sport credit...), we were able to share running stories with each other. Granted, John's mileage more than doubled mine but running is running no matter how far you can, or let yourself, go. Anyways, I would love to run a half-marathon and raise money for the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society. Maybe more research would have lead to a speedier diagnosis. Who knows. Either way, this is a goal for my life. I have put it off due to a lack of energy that both I and Gabby, my therapist who I love and completely attribute my sanity to, have decided I just don't have as I continue to experience this thing called GRIEF. But, one day, I will be at the point where I can, and will, run the entire 13 miles of a half-marathon. Until then, I will keep training to at least cover the distance - even if it, like today, includes some speed walking :)

I have prematurely restarted many online training coaches - once they tell me to go 6 or 7 miles I say PEACE - solely because it requires more distance than I am ready, or capable, of going right now. New plan: just finish the required mileage. It is a 12 week program - in 12 weeks I will be headed back to the hubcity after a refreshing summer mixed with some big "firsts" without my main man to join in on the fun. It will be good to focus on this. Readers, whoever you are if you are even there, encourage me, please. I want to finish my summer able to go 13 miles - mostly running but a bit o' walking is fine by me. This is more realistic than saying I will run them all and then just quitting out of pure defeat.

- With my newly instated running plan, I must incorporate a new eating plan. I am not in Lubbock anymore with hundreds of options for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack. No more Fuzzy's or J&M or Spoonful to entice me EVERY DAY of my life. There are plenty of delicious options here in Marfa but eating out is less of a social experience than it is in Lubtown. I can say no and eat at home without feeling like I am missing out on friend time. New eating plan: mostly just fruits, veggies, and whole grains. But I like yogurt and cheese so add that to the mix. New drinking plan: no more than 2 beers in a night. I love me some cold beer (coors light or dos equis, preferrably, but I won't be picky...) but need to know the limit. It's a defeating moment when you realize that you LITERALLY just drank your daily allowance of calories - and that is normally followed after having already eaten your daily allowance of calories...bummer dude. It makes a potentially toned ab-area a bit softer and less...well, toned. What a bummer to work out - to push through the pain and sweat like a pig (do pigs really sweat??) - only to destroy all that you just did and more by drinking! Vodka-soda with lime, PLEASE! Or maybe some gin if I'm feelin' a little bit frisky...

Now that you know my train of thought during my run, I will leave you to enjoy the first of many summer nights ahead of us. Looks like mine will entail a quick trip to the hotel to scope out the scene followed by some porch time with me, Gus and Call (for those who don't know, these extremely attractive men are the main characters of Lonesome Dove - my current and HIGHLY recommended read). I love my life...my Marfalous life (minus the freakin' buzzards flying way too closely to my house...).


Marfalous life means...you wave to a fellow driver as yall pass on the road.

HERE WE GO!

There is a Spanish saying that goes a little something like this: dinero, amor, salud y el tiempo para gozarles. In English, this translates to: money, love, health and the time to enjoy them. For Latinos, this motto is the foudation of how they live and experience life. Rather than living in the future, constantly trying to make more money or more success for future happiness, the latino culture focuses on the present moment - embracing life as it is right now to gain the most possible. Money is important only because it is used to purchase food, clothing, necessities in life. Love of friends, family, and an intimate relationship are vital to a person's well-being. What is more special than loving life and having someone to share it with? What is more foundational than the relationships with those who share your life and your experiences with you? Health of the mind as well as of the body leads to inner peace, lightheartedness, and an openness to embrace life. For the latino culture, all these things are important in life but it is most important to actually take the time to enjoy them. Without appreciating and embracing these areas of life right now and taking the time to love, be healthy, and use wealth to enhance life, they are wasted.

All this to say, I have found this theory to be true in Marfa. As I unpacked my mountains of STUFF and then walked to the hotel for courtyard drinks, I remembered the slowness of life here. People do not live as much by a schedule or in a frenzy to get from one place to the next. There are responsibilities here, yes, but the main responsibility seems to be relationships. Perhaps it's because in a small town, that's really all you have. Marfa allows for taking the time to enjoy the sunset and meet new friends just because they are sitting next to you. Marfa inspires art of all mediums. Marfa rejuvenates the soul by allowing me to appreciate each moment rather than hurry to the next best thing.

Here I sit on my porch with Patsy Cline crooning through the open windows, the neighbor's horse neighing in the nearby pasture, kids squealing at the playground, and the peaceful breeze rustling through the trees. Already I feel the drug of being where I belong, where I love most, pumping life back into me. After a semester of life changing moments, heavy course load, relationship changes, and overall heartbreak, it is nice to feel and see this opportunity of rejuvenation ahead of me. I am so eager to embrace each moment given to me out here. I know that another summer in Marfa, another summer home, will be just what I need to persevere through my final year of college before making this a permanent move.

gone home.

Spring break this year was not the most exciting nor the most exotic in my lifetime. In the 21 years that I have been "spring breaking", I have been to Europe, Orlando, New York, all over Texas, cruised the Caribbean, and even had a crazy week in Argentina. This year was a little different. Normally, if i have nothing "exciting" planned, I will gladly pack my lovely Lola (my car...) and head West - after all, I leave my heart there...you can only go so long without your heart.

But, this year I opted for an even more calm and relaxing itinerary than Marfa would allow (I actually have a social life there - not so much relaxing as refreshing anymore...) and headed south! I braced myself for possibly destructive levels of humidity and headed to Houston with my good friend, Tammy. We did a few nights at my grandmother's farm (we all call her Sita and him Papacito, just fyi) as well as a few nights at Tammy's house. We saw the southern coast (sadly, too much wind meant no beach time for us pasty gals), ate more than necessary of pound cake and beans and yummy cuisines NOT found in Lubbock, had quality family time, and saw the Houston Rodeo. Basically, it was a big time. Then, on Wednesday, I flew home to Dallas for a few days with my family before Tammy picked me up and chaperoned me back to the Hub City. I now sit, still in my towel wrap, in my unpacked room with nothing but slowly returning to reality on my agenda until Monday afternoon. Mmm...

Even though Dallas is where I grew up, home to me is Marfa, Lubbock, and whereever my family is - preferably that is Marfa :) I love my childhood home - best kitchen around - and would never change where I grew up. I only return, though, because it means I get to see and just BE with my family. I rarely venture out of the house unless it's a family outing...or for a quick Gap run to make sure they dont have any new necessities... I just love being with my family - normally, this means eating or napping or watching multiple movies. But the fact that they are there, with me, is what matters the most.

So, all this said, Dallas this trip was a scary thing for me. I knew I wanted to see my family and be with them for a few days but I also knew there would be a lot of "moments" for me. You see, I use "moments" to refer to those heartwrenching, tear-activating moments in my life that trigger the sadness and loneliness I normal can distract myself from feeling. This was the first time for me to be home since John died. He used to love my room - it was always where he stayed when he spent the night or house sat. I don't know how I feel about my room anymore. It was very isolated from the rest of the house. To me, it is a room of sadness and absence. It is where I spent my first night without my person - where I cried myself to sleep because that was the only way to face the loneliness that his death ensued. It's the little things that tug at my heart - like not having him to text "And we're OFF!" as Tammy and I headed back to school...or how Zac and I drive with our knees (a trick learned and perfected from John)...or eating at the SAME table at Mi Cocina, his favorite restaurant, when the last time I was there was with him...or passing gas stations on the highway that I remember telling him about...or driving down the very roads that I had to endure as I rode to say my final goodbye to someone who means so much to me. It's a lot of little moments, mostly firsts for me, that I had to endure these last few days. It wasn't until I was out of Ft Worth that it really hit me that I have so much missing of John left. I have so many more firsts without him left that it is scary. I can't let myself think about them - if I do, my relaxing few days left will turn into an emotional exhaustion period.

I guess the whole point in today's blurb is that, two months into "Johnlessness", I think I hurt more than I did two DAYS into it. It is more real to me now. Even going home is emotionally exhausting - almost to the point of avoiding it completely. And yet, these moments must be faced, head on. There's no getting around the fact that my best friend, my companion in everything, is no longer joining in with me. Just like I had to face being home in order to enjoy quality family time, I must face every other moment that comes my way in order to really enjoy the life I have.

I guess that's all I really have... Even when I am not in Marfa, I must live a MARFALOUS life! It is vital to one's well-being that they embrace the moments of each day just as I embraced my Marfa experience last summer. Just because I am not physically in Marfa, my heart is, and thus I still am living my Marfalous life :)

welcome back.

four months since my last entry.
That was enough time for four major holidays to pass, for a series of semester exams to pass and another semester to start. Four months has meant many snow storms, a few nights out, and many Marfa trips for me. The last four months has also signified the most influential moments of my life so far.

On January 25, 2010 - nearly a month ago - my best friend, John, passed away. He fought a fierce battle against cancer but his body was so weak from the fight that it could not defend itself from an infection. It was a quick farewell as he went from normal to very ill in a matter of hours. I could spend PAGES writing about him. I have started a series of letters to him since his death - that alone is quite long so far. In those letters, I tell John the things that I would normally tell him via text message or phone calls. We did not get to see each other that often but we would whittle away the hours with a constant conversation. Very rarely would you find us NOT in a texting conversation with each other. Mom got mad at me many times because I was texting John instead of giving her my full attention.

Since he was raised in Valentine, Texas (20 miles from Marfa), we laid him to rest in the Valentine Cemetery where his grave overlooks the family ranch and the West Texas mountains. He would love the view that he scored for sure. After a few days with my family and his, I went to Marfa to regroup and finish out the weekend before school started back. This was the one time in my entire life that I can ever remember WANTING to leave West Texas, wanting to get away from the mountains and the open sky, wanting to be back at school and my reality. Being out there, a place that John and I shared a deep passion for, only made his absence that much more obvious to me. Add to the already present sorrow, I was in the Marfa house alone for two nights - way too much time to be alone with your thoughts after such a life-changing experience. The Marfa house is normally a place of refuge and energizing myself - it is a place for me to just chill and regroup. That weekend, it was a place filled with memories of John, a place that only further showed how alone he has left me.

Now, I know I am not ALONE - there are tons of people who love me and have been reaching out to me these last four weeks. But, I have been left behind by my best friend, my soul mate and partner in crime. I lack a relationship that truly helped establish who I am as an individual - a relationship that has consumed my mind and heart for the last six years. However, I am also so very aware of the aloneness that he has left in my romantic world. You see, not only was John my best friend and second half, he was my "person"- my preferred date to events, my shoulder to cry on or to complain to, my partner when everyone else had a significant other. I wasn't asked to Senior Prom because people thought I had "a guy in Lubbock" that I was with...that was John. Story of our lives! So many times we confused people because we were NOT together or in any kind of relationship other than just good friends. But, we were that person for each other - this is probably why neither of us had a significant other in the last six years - we did not need one.

His death has left such a hole in my life. Right now, I am not really living the "Marfalous life" of last summer. I now know sorrow and deep heartbreak - a heartbreak that is only made less painful with time. I now know what it is like to lose someone you love more than yourself, to regret that last conversation with someone or the last time you saw them. I know the sorrow to the depths of who I am that is seen in a funeral scene. I know what cancer really means. Since I last wrote in this blog, I have wept and feared and even wanted to not be in Marfa - all very odd emotions. Right now, I cannot wait to return to Marfa - I need time there to let West Texas heal my heart and to feel needed again, wanted again. Hopefully that time will come sooner than expected.

it's about time.

Four months. It has been over four months since I last took the time and emotional energy to write here. Maybe it's because this is my space that I use when I'm in Marfa. And aside from one busy and fun weekend in town, I have not been back to the place I love so much since August. Pathetic, I know. Although, like I have always said, Marfa is not my reality. I have a busy and productive life in Lubbock which extends to Dallas where my family and best friend are. I have a job, am a full time student, am involved in outside organizations, and somehow manage to maintain a decent social life. So, unfortunately, keeping up this blog is pushed away until I have time. Luckily I have plenty of time this trip to Marfa.

Here's why my life is MARFAlous when I am out here. These are also a few of my items on my "Thank God this Holiday season" list:

- I woke up to the sounds of town and birds and freshness. I made a pot of coffee, had some Jesus time on the porch, and was then free to read WHATEVER I wanted. This means I can read for fun instead of guilting myself into reading for school. There have been a few trains pass by the house, lots of cars zooming through town (and by lots I mean lots for a town of 2200), smells of cooking and leaves, and I even heard a horse snort. I don't know where the horse is but I heard it. I have been soaking up the sun on the porch - nights are way cold but the day time brings a delightful warmth and clear sky. My skin has gotten pasty in the last few months - sun time is much needed and very appreciative.

- On Saturday night, I met my cowboys at the hotel for a drink and got to see some of the hotel employees. Man, I miss this place. Even the faces that I don't personally know but recognize make me happy. They are all still here, life still goes on in Marfa just like it goes on for me in other places. After the hotel, we continued on to Padre's for some pool, beer, and good music. Let me tell you - that was one of the funnest nights of my life! There was a Tejano-Mexican band playing that was at first disappointing because we didn't think we knew how to dance to that music. They proved me wrong, however. It's just moving the hips and letting your heart and your partner lead you. I tore up that dance floor with whoever wanted to dance with me! The boys got swarmed by the 60 year old women of the town. And by swarmed I mean Asa got maybe ONE dance with a girl under 60 and that was because I PRIED him away from those crazy drunkies! One of the ladies told me in a slurring voice: It's my 62nd birthday, I just got a divorce, so I'm going to party tonight...I'm drunk! Haha, but let me tell you something - that lady sure didn't let life slow her down. She and I hogged that dance floor with the handsome men of town. We were not going to let anything get in our way of a good time with some good, fun, hip-moving music.

- Yesterday, I took a two-hour nap. I haven't taken a full hour nap in who knows how long! Waking up at 4:00 that afternoon left me somewhat dumbfounded for a moment. This place brings a peace and relaxation to my mind and my soul. I went jogging through town and out on the highway. The view made me laugh a little bit. How sad it is that people do not know the beauty of the country. Some people have never left the metroplex; some people don't want to. How sad that is. They are missing out on the thousands of shades the sky turns as the sun sets in the West. They miss out on the quaint feel of a town where people know each other and say hello in the store, on the street, at the restaurants. They miss out on the normalcy of walking to a friend's house or to the coffee shop. They miss out on the friendlyness that is seen even as two cars pass on the highway and the drivers share a quick wave and nod. This is the life out here - no wonder I never want to leave!

Those are a few of my "aha" moments of late. I am lucky that my parents are paying my tuition - if it were up to me, I would "take a semester off" and never leave this place. The little white house on the hill would not be empty longer than a night or two. My little red car would be a regular sight around town again. I would finally know the grocery store clerk by name and the dairy queen employees would, once again, know my blizzard order as soon as I walk in the store. But alas, I must return to the crazy and wonderful place of Lubbock. It's not so bad afterall.