a time of reflection.

Being my first full weekend back home since my tour of Texas, I expected this to be a BIG weekend, lots of crazy stories, maybe some good pics of my fly outfits, and exhaustion. I am finishing up the weekend feeling very mellow and pensive rather than chatty and pooped. I guess this is a good thing. Maybe it's a sign of maturing that I can be chill when I go out; that I can sit back, have just one beer, and just take in the evening's experiences without being the CENTER of the experience. Or maybe it was just me being thoughtful and needing to recover from a crazy 2010. Either way, I gussied myself up last night, broke out the 4 inch heels in Marfa, and attempted a night out on the town. Like I said, it ended up being more of a relaxing and internal experience - I guess they can't all be big nights out.

This weekend has been a lonely one for me. That is a weird thought since I am with people constantly in Marfa and know lots of people from lots of different social groups. But, I have spent the afternoons at the house, reading/attempting to nap/working on watching Lonesome Dove and that allows for my mind to wonder, to consider my life as it is, and to miss John. Don't worry - it's not a dark time here in M-town for me and I'm not depressed. Just thoughtful. I have found something to be true: grief is exhausting. It takes a lot of time and always shows up again after a short absence. You get used to it being less present, the norm becomes noticing that your loved one is not there but not having to focus on that all the time because of life getting in the way. But then, one day out of the blue, it creeps back into your mind, your thoughts, your heart - infiltrating every moment and every conversation and every experience. I had myself fooled - I thought I had maybe figured everything out. Joke's on me. Missing John will be a norm for the rest of my life. Missing John has become something that I take with me to the hotel, to the bar, to dinner with friends, and as I drive through the West Texas mountains. I think the important part of grief is that you learn to continue in life, remembering the one you love, but not losing sight of your own need to really live in the midst of everything.

Here's what it feels like to lose your best friend, your soul mate: there's always an absence. Even when I'm surrounded by friends - new and old - it is evident that something is missing, something is not as it usually is. It's knowing that you don't have your ultimate wingman to share your experiences with - even if it is just via phone or text. It's not having someone to laugh at how ridiculous you are, to get angry at the stupidity of people, to plan your next experience with. It's knowing that no matter who comes and goes in life, that role that that one person filled and took on will never be filled again. That the relationship and comfort and closeness felt there will never be able to be duplicated. It's a lonely moment to realize that for me to find my "someone" in life, I have to go through the getting-to-know-you process and experience the initial awkwardness and nervousness that goes into it. In order to be totally comfortable with a guy like I was with John, I have to go through that first phase...but first I have to find someone worthy of that effort and energy. I know, I am young and have a lifetime ahead of me. Don't worry - I am not whining about my single status. I sometimes even enjoy it. I am simply trying to voice this constant loneliness of not having my best friend to share my life with - my best friend that was always "my person"as well as a good friend.

These last 6 months have aged my spirit and my soul. I feel older than 21. Not in a depressing way, just a way that only life experiences naturally bring about. In this older self, I find that I am ready to settle down, to start the next phase of life with someone to share all the moments with - to just sit and listen to the band at Padres, to join my family and I at Schlitterbahn, to watch Lonesome Dove with me, to visit me at work during lunch time. It's these little things that are normal, everyday experiences I am ready to share with someone.

Today, my MARFAlous life reminds me to LOVE the ones in your life, to enjoy the simple moments of life, to live right now - not only anticipating what will happen in the future. We have the present; God does not promise us any more time than that. Live fully, laugh openly, and love deeply.

Marfa means...going for a cup and coffee and staying for 2 hours - just because you sit to chat.

mm mm good

This is definitely an mm mm good morning here in the little white house on Texas Street. I am sipping my coffee and sitting in the kitchen. The windows are opened and I can here the town beginning to wake up - birds chirping (even with my fear, I can still appreciate morning bird songs...), dogs barking, cars headed to work or maybe home from work. I love this part of the day - sun coming up, sky is a greyish blue with the break of dawn. It's a good day here in Marfa.

Classes started Tuesday. I'm taking my speech/communications credit at Sul Ross State University. I am not worried about the class - good professor, easy subject matter, will be over after the month. However, other than a nearly 30 year old guy, I'm the oldest by far. There is a high school program at Sul Ross for high schoolers in the area to get a taste of living on their own and doing the whole college thing...that's right, they are in my class! I have high schoolers, my cousin's class has all the older returning students after a few years' break in college. Well, it should be fun. If anything, now I'll know some of the younger west Texas crowd - always good to have a few friends in different groups! Plus, one of them works at DQ...think he can hook me up??

Marfa means...amazing fried jalepenos and good company at Jett's (the hotel's restaurant)!

hello june.

Hello June - it's lovely to see you. I feel that your arrival really is the TRUE mark of the beginning of summer. Even with summer school starting today, it just has summer in the air. Most schools are out by now, the pool awaits all who can get away and take an afternoon to just soak up the sun, and watermelon/peaches/tomatoes are in every grocery store yet again. Love it! June is the first FULL month of summer. May involved finals, moving out of Lubbock and into Marfa, traveling all over our great state, and lots of family time and graduations. There were lots of different things going on. Now, it is officially summer. I start summer SCHOOL today, have plans to read and work and socialize when I'm not in class, and have a Schlitterbahn trip with the fam on the horizon. Thank you, God, for the seasons you give us and the freshness that summertime brings. Love, Abby.

a new kind of cowboy...

Today I met a new kind of cowboy. Well, not really NEW but considering the MARFAlous life's dictionary says a cowboy is one who works with cattle and horses on a ranch, wears hott jeans, sports boots on a daily basis, and has a sexy southern drawl, NEW will definitely apply here. I was at my yearly doctor checkup (one of FOUR doctor appointments I had today!) and waiting to check out. In front of me, like 3 feet ahead, stood the tall, very attractive, and very famous Troy Aikman. Yes, the man who spent many years and much energy playing for the Dallas Cowboys goes to the same doctor's office as I do. After being informed while his back was to us that the man ahead was, in fact, the famous Troy Aikman, I had a dilemma: a) do I acknowledge that fact that, sir, you are THE Troy Aikman and allow myself proper flustering and blushing time...maybe even snag an autograph?? OR b) do I attempt to be normal and merely wish him good day? In the moments I had to decide, I chose the latter. I figure that he does in fact know that he is THE Troy Aikman and would probably rather get on out of the doctor's office and on with his day.

After a sexy eye contact moment and a brief smile, we quickly wished each other good day.

Marfa means...MY CAR IS FIXED!!!

favorite desserts for "on-the-road."

Here is a top 5. After all, it is summertime and everyone needs to treat themselves for making it to this point in the year. Take a hint: go try one :)

5) Wendy's Frosty. Don't go against tradition - stick with the chocolate. It's just blasphemy to order a vanilla frosty.

4) Vanilla Cream Dr. Pepper - not an edible favorite but still delicious. It has the caffeine and sugar to keep you awake after MILE and MILES of interstate pavement, the sweet and undeniable flavor of Dr. Pepper (a texas staple...), and the creaminess of vanilla cream. Plus, we can't forget the famous Sonic Ice used to keep all their drinks lastingly cold and refreshing!

3) Sour Patch Kids. Chewy, tart, and oh so cute. I dare you to "save them for later"...

2) Dairy Queen Dipped Cone. Talk about a STAPLE for summertime sweetness. The expert combination of classic flavors: vanilla soft serve, cake cone, crunchy chocolate shell, and that unique DQ technique used in the cones. Don't worry about savoring or taking your time - it will melt faster than you can eat it!

1) And finally might not be surprising to those who know me...a DQ BLIZZARD!! John and I have tshirts claiming us as the Blizzard King and the Blizzard Queen. It's true - we are passionate and proud of our love for this tasty treat. His flavor: Oreo. Mine: Chocolate Extreme - with extra brownie please! Although, I'm choosing the Ooey Gooey Caramel Brownie more and more these days. Who can refuse the smooth caramel and chewy brownie combo??

my little white car.

I forgot to state that all of this driving, all 1300 miles of it, is not with Lola. I had to leave my beautiful red, Ford companion at home in Marfa with the car-fixer while I travel throughout our Lone Star State. I am currently traveling in a little white Hyundai. I recommend it - GOOD gas mileage, easy ride, very spacious. Granted, it's no Lola. But, not bad.

After finally making it to Midland to rent the car, I got to spend close to three hours at the sausage fest called Enterprise Rentals. It was me, the boys "working", and NO cars due to a hail storm the night before. But, as promised, I finally got the little white car, said a dieu to my new male friends, and hit the road for the next leg of my trip. Yay for rental cars, yay for good gas mileage, yay for insurance paying :)

***UPDATE: I must correct myself. My time at Enterprise was thoroughly enjoyable. I was well taken care of. The delay was due to a huge hailstorm in town the night before - the damage put all cars out of commission until they could be fixed. As soon as a car with no damage was available, I got it. Sorry for any confusion! The guys and gal of Enterprise took good care of me.

a taste of texas.

For those of you unaware, I am smack dab in the middle of an extensive texas tour. Only a true Texas lover could spend this much time in the car, see this many places, and actually enjoy each added mile. In 24 hours, I went from Marfa where there are mountains and cowboys to Midland where oil rigs decorate the horizon to San Antonio where there are rolling hills and house after house after house to El Campo where farm land and farmers make up 90% of the scenery. Talk about a day! I then proceeded to Dallas, where I am currently, for my little brother's (though he's hardly my little brother anymore) high school graduation and some family time in the Big D. He looked so sharp in the white tux that the boys wear, sitting on the outdoor stage, and taking that next step to becoming a big kid. Look at how dashing he is (with myself and the parentals):

Naomi (oldest of us three) is currently living the life of a Euro chick in Espana. We have missed her these last six months as our family had many big moments together: Christmas, a death and funeral of a beloved friend, Easter, Zac's graduation, etc. But we know she is living the adventure of a lifetime and that makes her absence a bit easier on everyone. Plus, good thing there is Skype - she joined us on Christmas morning and Valentine's Day from half-way around the world! Anyways, growing up with two domineering sisters means Zac suffered many smooches over the years. However, when I was little, I never actually put my lips to his face - he was my little brother and therefore too dirty for my lips. Here is a customary photo from last night's festivities (hermana, you have your side waiting for you...):

He is just so handsome. Sorry girls - he is very much taken!

So, here I sit in my childhood home full on yummy deliciousness that is only found in Big D. I love the food in Lubbock, I love the food in Marfa. But, coming to Dallas opens SO many doors to the world of culinary arts that are rare for those like me who, sadly, don't care to return to the city all that often. My newest realization: I HATE the city. It is great for shopping, going out to eat, and the cultural scene on occasion. But, it's not a place I need to live...ever. Lubbock is just big enough for me, Marfa just quaint enough. If you know any respectable, single men in the age group of 24-30 that prefer small town life to the city, pass along my name and number. I'm on the lookout and always up for a sneaky matchmaker moment!

Next on my agenda? Quick trip to Midland and then Marfa to pick up my car on Tuesday, San Antonio for Wednesday evening/night, and then Austin for the final grandchild's high school graduation. Weird to all be out of high school and in "the real world"...

Marfa means...a resting place before, in the midst of, and after all this traveling!