gone home.

Spring break this year was not the most exciting nor the most exotic in my lifetime. In the 21 years that I have been "spring breaking", I have been to Europe, Orlando, New York, all over Texas, cruised the Caribbean, and even had a crazy week in Argentina. This year was a little different. Normally, if i have nothing "exciting" planned, I will gladly pack my lovely Lola (my car...) and head West - after all, I leave my heart there...you can only go so long without your heart.

But, this year I opted for an even more calm and relaxing itinerary than Marfa would allow (I actually have a social life there - not so much relaxing as refreshing anymore...) and headed south! I braced myself for possibly destructive levels of humidity and headed to Houston with my good friend, Tammy. We did a few nights at my grandmother's farm (we all call her Sita and him Papacito, just fyi) as well as a few nights at Tammy's house. We saw the southern coast (sadly, too much wind meant no beach time for us pasty gals), ate more than necessary of pound cake and beans and yummy cuisines NOT found in Lubbock, had quality family time, and saw the Houston Rodeo. Basically, it was a big time. Then, on Wednesday, I flew home to Dallas for a few days with my family before Tammy picked me up and chaperoned me back to the Hub City. I now sit, still in my towel wrap, in my unpacked room with nothing but slowly returning to reality on my agenda until Monday afternoon. Mmm...

Even though Dallas is where I grew up, home to me is Marfa, Lubbock, and whereever my family is - preferably that is Marfa :) I love my childhood home - best kitchen around - and would never change where I grew up. I only return, though, because it means I get to see and just BE with my family. I rarely venture out of the house unless it's a family outing...or for a quick Gap run to make sure they dont have any new necessities... I just love being with my family - normally, this means eating or napping or watching multiple movies. But the fact that they are there, with me, is what matters the most.

So, all this said, Dallas this trip was a scary thing for me. I knew I wanted to see my family and be with them for a few days but I also knew there would be a lot of "moments" for me. You see, I use "moments" to refer to those heartwrenching, tear-activating moments in my life that trigger the sadness and loneliness I normal can distract myself from feeling. This was the first time for me to be home since John died. He used to love my room - it was always where he stayed when he spent the night or house sat. I don't know how I feel about my room anymore. It was very isolated from the rest of the house. To me, it is a room of sadness and absence. It is where I spent my first night without my person - where I cried myself to sleep because that was the only way to face the loneliness that his death ensued. It's the little things that tug at my heart - like not having him to text "And we're OFF!" as Tammy and I headed back to school...or how Zac and I drive with our knees (a trick learned and perfected from John)...or eating at the SAME table at Mi Cocina, his favorite restaurant, when the last time I was there was with him...or passing gas stations on the highway that I remember telling him about...or driving down the very roads that I had to endure as I rode to say my final goodbye to someone who means so much to me. It's a lot of little moments, mostly firsts for me, that I had to endure these last few days. It wasn't until I was out of Ft Worth that it really hit me that I have so much missing of John left. I have so many more firsts without him left that it is scary. I can't let myself think about them - if I do, my relaxing few days left will turn into an emotional exhaustion period.

I guess the whole point in today's blurb is that, two months into "Johnlessness", I think I hurt more than I did two DAYS into it. It is more real to me now. Even going home is emotionally exhausting - almost to the point of avoiding it completely. And yet, these moments must be faced, head on. There's no getting around the fact that my best friend, my companion in everything, is no longer joining in with me. Just like I had to face being home in order to enjoy quality family time, I must face every other moment that comes my way in order to really enjoy the life I have.

I guess that's all I really have... Even when I am not in Marfa, I must live a MARFALOUS life! It is vital to one's well-being that they embrace the moments of each day just as I embraced my Marfa experience last summer. Just because I am not physically in Marfa, my heart is, and thus I still am living my Marfalous life :)

welcome back.

four months since my last entry.
That was enough time for four major holidays to pass, for a series of semester exams to pass and another semester to start. Four months has meant many snow storms, a few nights out, and many Marfa trips for me. The last four months has also signified the most influential moments of my life so far.

On January 25, 2010 - nearly a month ago - my best friend, John, passed away. He fought a fierce battle against cancer but his body was so weak from the fight that it could not defend itself from an infection. It was a quick farewell as he went from normal to very ill in a matter of hours. I could spend PAGES writing about him. I have started a series of letters to him since his death - that alone is quite long so far. In those letters, I tell John the things that I would normally tell him via text message or phone calls. We did not get to see each other that often but we would whittle away the hours with a constant conversation. Very rarely would you find us NOT in a texting conversation with each other. Mom got mad at me many times because I was texting John instead of giving her my full attention.

Since he was raised in Valentine, Texas (20 miles from Marfa), we laid him to rest in the Valentine Cemetery where his grave overlooks the family ranch and the West Texas mountains. He would love the view that he scored for sure. After a few days with my family and his, I went to Marfa to regroup and finish out the weekend before school started back. This was the one time in my entire life that I can ever remember WANTING to leave West Texas, wanting to get away from the mountains and the open sky, wanting to be back at school and my reality. Being out there, a place that John and I shared a deep passion for, only made his absence that much more obvious to me. Add to the already present sorrow, I was in the Marfa house alone for two nights - way too much time to be alone with your thoughts after such a life-changing experience. The Marfa house is normally a place of refuge and energizing myself - it is a place for me to just chill and regroup. That weekend, it was a place filled with memories of John, a place that only further showed how alone he has left me.

Now, I know I am not ALONE - there are tons of people who love me and have been reaching out to me these last four weeks. But, I have been left behind by my best friend, my soul mate and partner in crime. I lack a relationship that truly helped establish who I am as an individual - a relationship that has consumed my mind and heart for the last six years. However, I am also so very aware of the aloneness that he has left in my romantic world. You see, not only was John my best friend and second half, he was my "person"- my preferred date to events, my shoulder to cry on or to complain to, my partner when everyone else had a significant other. I wasn't asked to Senior Prom because people thought I had "a guy in Lubbock" that I was with...that was John. Story of our lives! So many times we confused people because we were NOT together or in any kind of relationship other than just good friends. But, we were that person for each other - this is probably why neither of us had a significant other in the last six years - we did not need one.

His death has left such a hole in my life. Right now, I am not really living the "Marfalous life" of last summer. I now know sorrow and deep heartbreak - a heartbreak that is only made less painful with time. I now know what it is like to lose someone you love more than yourself, to regret that last conversation with someone or the last time you saw them. I know the sorrow to the depths of who I am that is seen in a funeral scene. I know what cancer really means. Since I last wrote in this blog, I have wept and feared and even wanted to not be in Marfa - all very odd emotions. Right now, I cannot wait to return to Marfa - I need time there to let West Texas heal my heart and to feel needed again, wanted again. Hopefully that time will come sooner than expected.

it's about time.

Four months. It has been over four months since I last took the time and emotional energy to write here. Maybe it's because this is my space that I use when I'm in Marfa. And aside from one busy and fun weekend in town, I have not been back to the place I love so much since August. Pathetic, I know. Although, like I have always said, Marfa is not my reality. I have a busy and productive life in Lubbock which extends to Dallas where my family and best friend are. I have a job, am a full time student, am involved in outside organizations, and somehow manage to maintain a decent social life. So, unfortunately, keeping up this blog is pushed away until I have time. Luckily I have plenty of time this trip to Marfa.

Here's why my life is MARFAlous when I am out here. These are also a few of my items on my "Thank God this Holiday season" list:

- I woke up to the sounds of town and birds and freshness. I made a pot of coffee, had some Jesus time on the porch, and was then free to read WHATEVER I wanted. This means I can read for fun instead of guilting myself into reading for school. There have been a few trains pass by the house, lots of cars zooming through town (and by lots I mean lots for a town of 2200), smells of cooking and leaves, and I even heard a horse snort. I don't know where the horse is but I heard it. I have been soaking up the sun on the porch - nights are way cold but the day time brings a delightful warmth and clear sky. My skin has gotten pasty in the last few months - sun time is much needed and very appreciative.

- On Saturday night, I met my cowboys at the hotel for a drink and got to see some of the hotel employees. Man, I miss this place. Even the faces that I don't personally know but recognize make me happy. They are all still here, life still goes on in Marfa just like it goes on for me in other places. After the hotel, we continued on to Padre's for some pool, beer, and good music. Let me tell you - that was one of the funnest nights of my life! There was a Tejano-Mexican band playing that was at first disappointing because we didn't think we knew how to dance to that music. They proved me wrong, however. It's just moving the hips and letting your heart and your partner lead you. I tore up that dance floor with whoever wanted to dance with me! The boys got swarmed by the 60 year old women of the town. And by swarmed I mean Asa got maybe ONE dance with a girl under 60 and that was because I PRIED him away from those crazy drunkies! One of the ladies told me in a slurring voice: It's my 62nd birthday, I just got a divorce, so I'm going to party tonight...I'm drunk! Haha, but let me tell you something - that lady sure didn't let life slow her down. She and I hogged that dance floor with the handsome men of town. We were not going to let anything get in our way of a good time with some good, fun, hip-moving music.

- Yesterday, I took a two-hour nap. I haven't taken a full hour nap in who knows how long! Waking up at 4:00 that afternoon left me somewhat dumbfounded for a moment. This place brings a peace and relaxation to my mind and my soul. I went jogging through town and out on the highway. The view made me laugh a little bit. How sad it is that people do not know the beauty of the country. Some people have never left the metroplex; some people don't want to. How sad that is. They are missing out on the thousands of shades the sky turns as the sun sets in the West. They miss out on the quaint feel of a town where people know each other and say hello in the store, on the street, at the restaurants. They miss out on the normalcy of walking to a friend's house or to the coffee shop. They miss out on the friendlyness that is seen even as two cars pass on the highway and the drivers share a quick wave and nod. This is the life out here - no wonder I never want to leave!

Those are a few of my "aha" moments of late. I am lucky that my parents are paying my tuition - if it were up to me, I would "take a semester off" and never leave this place. The little white house on the hill would not be empty longer than a night or two. My little red car would be a regular sight around town again. I would finally know the grocery store clerk by name and the dairy queen employees would, once again, know my blizzard order as soon as I walk in the store. But alas, I must return to the crazy and wonderful place of Lubbock. It's not so bad afterall.

It's already over?!

Well, friends, I have officially ended my Marfalous summer and am back in Lubbock. However, do not worry - my marfalous LIFE has not yet ended. Though I am back to my reality of school, work, sorority, responsibilities, I have already made a trip back West...I wasn't even in the LBK for a week! I went back for a strictly-work trip - helped the hotel with a wedding. Along with my regular duties at the hotel, I mopped/cleaned dishes/moved furniture in 4-inch stilettos, cut wedding cake, guided the bride through the back way of the hotel, and was Vicki's personal manager. It was one busy weekend but I loved it.

I am here in the LBK now. I told my friends in Marfa that though their reality is in Marfa, I lived my fantasy this summer. And, upon arrival in Lubbock, reality hit hard. I suddenly had bills to pay, a job and classes to attend, city traffic and materialism to deal with, places to spend money, and responsibilities to my organizations. WOW. I already miss my marfalous summer and all that it entailed. Don't worry though, Marfa has not seen the last of me. There are plans in the near future to return in all my glory.

I fully intend on continuing this blog. I love to write and have to practice somewhere before my book gets written. Sadly, what I expected to be a long, lazy, and non-social summer turned into one that was over way too fast, kept me very busy, and became very very social...go figure! All that to say, my book was started but not much more than a page, I have yet to finish my one summer book (Gone With the Wind), and left with many friends in the town I love. All very good tradeoffs, I'd say.

Like I said, reality has hit. I must return to my responsibilities now and get some shut eye so that tomorrow can be started with a fresh face and a clear mind.

the bittersweetness of life

Yet again, it has been quite a while since my last post. I am proud to say, though, that my excuse is legit - I have a life here in Marfa. Not just a "read books on the porch, workout, watch movies" life. This one is the kind where I frequent the Jett's scene (hotel's restaurant), spend evenings with my friend Rose, get DQ blizzards with Lindy, etc. There's just so much going on that I have barely read my extremely long summer book, Gone With the Wind, and am definitely lacking in the sleep area! No time for those things means no time as well for blogging. Sorry :/

I spent this last weekend in Lubbock. Man, I miss that place! I miss the workout machines in the REC, cherry coke and salad bar from Market Street, my perch at J&B coffee shop, seeing my family I have created in Raiderland, all the Tech pride, and I even might miss the wind - but that's just because it's part of Lubbock and I love that town. My new roommate, Tessa, and I officially have the keys to our new house. I have officially moved in all of my stuff and will be there for good in three weeks - gotta finish up here in Marfa and have the long-awaited campmeeting first! My room is about 70% set up, many thanks to Zac and Micah for providing the truck and muscles necessary. We spent Saturday moving furniture and boxes, sanding and priming furniture, unpacking, painting the furniture, and getting things situated. One nice sunburn and two sore arms later, my room is ready to be lived in! The paint color is great...there are lots of windows...big closets...built in desk...HARD WOOD FLOORS. I love it.

The problem with having this great house waiting for me and the rest of my belongings to come home is that I have mixed feelings about summer and campmeeting. Please know: I never have mixed feelings about Campmeeting. It has never happened before that I was not eagerly counting down the days until I drove the 9 hours out West with a week's worth of outfits planned out, high expectations for this year's campmeeting, a crush on one of the boys of my life waiting to be further established. This year I am already in West Texas, I have all my clothes with me anyways, I don't "dress up" anymore than I have to for work, and I have no crush, no boy-expectation looming in front of me. It's not a feeling of not wanting Campmeeting to come - it's just more of an "it happens when it happens" feeling. My reason is this: when CM hits, my time here in Marfa ends. When CM ends, I leave the mountainous West Texas and the life I have so lovingly established for the flat West Texas that I also love and adore. And yet, As much as I love the life I have here in Marfa, I love and miss my Lubbock life. Like I said, there's many facets of life in the LBK that I cannot wait for. There's many aspects of my summer experience that I will miss dearly as well. That is why life as of now is bittersweet.

I am totally happy with how things turned out this summer. No cowboy to whisk me away but that's for the better - no need to end a good summer with a hurting heart. I gained so much more experience and knowledge from my 41-room hotel internship than I could have ever received in a larger hotel. I know people in town now - when I return to visit, my seat at Jett's will be waiting with open arms. I lived here long enough to unpack, settle down, and enjoy the peace and quiet before having to reload the car and watch the mountains disappear in the rearview mirror. It's been a good time that, bittersweetly, will come to an end. I will leave here only to immediately return to the other town I love so dearly, the people I haven't seen in over three months, the restaurants I enjoy frequenting, and the obnoxious Suddenlink commercials which invade all tv stations.

west texas rains.

Well, here I am on the day after our Nation's birthday. It has, yet again, been a while since I shared of my life with my viewers here on the blog. Right now is a good moment: I am sitting on my porch with a mug of steaming joe. Mom is next to me. We are watching the rains fall down, the lightning illuminate the morning sky, and hearing the fresh sound of water falling on cement, gravel, the roof. In the soundtrack of my life, these moments wouldn't need a song playing. The sounds of the rain and thunder and people stirring in the house are much more descriptive and satisfactory than a song - even a really good song. Yesterday our country had their 223 birthday - Happy Birthday America! How great is it to know that even after all the corruption and problems the USA has had, we still come together to celebrate, and celebrate IN STYLE, the marking of our new nation.

So, since the last post, a lot has happened. Hannah, John, and I went to Balmorhea last weekend and then continued on out to Pecos for the West of the Pecos Rodeo - the original by the way. We stayed the night in Pecos and from there Hannah left our summer out west to return home and get stuff done. My plan was to drive back to Marfa with John and then spend the day working out and being positively lazy. Wrong. We made a side-trip to...the Alpine ER! Yes, that's right - and what a pair we make. Hannah headed home on Sunday and John and I made a 25 mile detour to take him to the nearest ER because his ear had been bothering him. That's an understatement - his ear, yes, bothered him but he also spent the night with it bleeding excessively and with intense pain. So, we figured that, no, we weren't just being overdramatic like we tend to be and, yes, this would be a good moment to go on a hospital adventure together. Well, as John was enduring a fuzzy ear that leaked ear goo, I was freaking about a new "mole" on the side of my neck. It had just sprung up within the last 48 hours, grown, started to bleed and hurt - basically it was looking grim for me. In the ridiculous and often times overdramatic mind of Abby Cobb, I just knew that this mole would soon spread cancer to my brain and I would be dead by August. I wish I was joking about this rational I created but, yes, I saw myself living only a few more months. It wasn't until after we were told by the ER doctor that John had a perforated eardrum (note to self: do NOT go rock diving in a 25 ft. pool...) and would be fine with some antiobiotics that I really allowed myself to freak out. I had a good 5 minutes of freaking out over my new mole when John piped in "you didnt happen to burn yourself with a curling iron"...Wow. Talk about a moment with many emotions: relief, embarrassement, confusion, laughter, awareness. I DID burn myself on Friday morning! So much had happened since then that it totally slipped my mind I suppose. The relief of the situation brought true tears to my eyes - I won't be dying from a mysterious mole anytime soon! Another note to self: do not take Grey's Anatomy episodes too close to heart - they only feed medical freakouts like this most recent one.

What a pair John and I make! Him with a fuzzy and burst eardrum, me freaking out over nothing. We both looked like a million bucks too, I'm sure - no makeup, tired from sleepless nights, fear all over our faces. Thank God our first ER experiences were so mild.

Hannah's departure left me with a dilemma: what to do after work without my partner in crime?? You would think that being all alone at the house would lead to many movies watched, some serious progress on my book, finally finishing "Gone With the Wind"...NAH. I have now found my social scene in Marfa and nothing will get accomplished from here on out. I have things to do, people to see. For a good week, I did not get to go to bed before midnight - an actual shock to my system. I have now finally caught up on my sleep but, let me tell you, when 2:00pm rolls around at work, I start feeling my "late night" from the night before...it's rough. I spent most of my evenings sitting with coworkers at the bar/restaurant in the hotel, Jett's. I love to just sit there and chat with Vicki and Rose, the bartender Jose, any new faces joining us at the bar. I have a tonic with lime, or sometimes Jose will experiment with a new virgin cocktail for me. After the bar "closes", we will stay with Jose while he wraps things up. There was game night on Tuesday, live music at the courtyard on Monday, movie night with Mitch on Wednesday night - SO MUCH TO DO. I couldn't be any happier than I am now. Vicki and I have begun to lament the day I leave for Lubbock - what a sad moment that will be. Jett's is the local scene I have always loved about J&B in Lubbock - only at Jett's I WORK there and know everyone. Marfa is where my heart will forever remain. I have found a kindred spirit in my boss, of all people, and we text on a regular basis. Rose and I have many chats over many topics - all our chats are delightful and eye-opening. I have learned much about myself and other people - how we all relate to each other.

There is a quick wrap up on my last few days here. All is well, school and Camp Meeting are right around the corner and, yet, I would be happy with a few more weeks before then. I just am not ready to leave so I will utilize my last month as best as possible.

A Tribute to the English Language

Last week, I worked in the gift shop some, helping with inventory and restocking. We have a variety of books available throughout the store and a particular room for art books, books on writing, etc. While doing my inventory checks, I stumbled upon this book, "For the Love of Letters" by Samara O'Shea. My new favorite book! It discusses the need to continue the art of letter writing, the personal nature a hand written note takes, the loss of the English language when we resort to only communicating via technology. She goes through the various types of letters - love, erotica, goodbyes, break ups, thank yous, apology letters - and, by using letters from history, shares tips with the reader on how to write good letters. As a huge fan of writing to people, this book immediately caught my eye. I read through it on breaks until I got paid and now have my very own copy!

I just want to share my favorite passage with you. This passage is in the introduction and, as soon as I read it, I knew this book was for me. Just soak it up, experience the sensuality of her words, and consider the truth of what she says...

My concern is, though, that what we gain in speed we lose in language - and, just a reminder, we are the heirs of a resplendent language. English is curvaceous, complex, and beautiful. Fluent and fierce. She is the lover you will always adore but will never fully know because there's too much to know. She is a true seductress - devious and overt, offering endless possibilities. With her I could tell you that you look gorgeous or that you look exquisite or that my body lost its breath when I happened upon you. When we encounter her placed in uncommon and alluring order we find inspiration and purpose. We find connection with ideas, with emotions, with people we know, with people we will never know, and with time periods that we must learn from and understand... Let's set time aside and allow our lovely language to bask in a place that has already proven its staying power: on paper. We must spread her our so that she can dazzle and breathe. Like all living things, if she does not breathe she will die.

- For the Love of Letters, Samara O'Shea pp. x-xi