a year of blessings.

On Tuesday the 25th, a year of life without John will have passed. It was on a Monday morning in 2010 that he pressed on towards the goal and finally reached it.

In a year, a lot has happened. I guess that's true for anyone - 365 days offers plenty of time for more than one success, heartbreak, failure, and new experiences. For me, the 365 days between January 25, 2010 and January 25, 2011 represent spiraling out of control, finding a professional to help me right my life and figure out who I am without John, dealing with the absence of my best friend, dealing with a new relationship that began very abruptly and then ended as quickly as it began, and beginning to look towards my next phase of life...post-graduation. All of the experiences and emotions that hit me this past year have been some sort of blessing - even though I couldn't see it at the time. Gabby, my soul-mate counselor, has challenged me to see my life from the days leading up to John's death through now using a bird's eyeview of the situations. She has challenged me to look at what occurred and who was a part of each experience to really understand God's hand in blessing me through the whole process. I guess I am here today to share with the world wide web a few of these blessing...if I have learned anything, I know that it is important to verbalize and share where you are in life. That's the only way to fully understand and process this crazy life.

Last January, there were many people who popped into life just in time to help heal and protect my aching heart. I had people at school who did not understand or know much of the situation with John but they knew me and knew that I needed space while also needing their love, support, and normalcy from them. There was a new friend who, though the situation was very different, also had to deal through life and figuring out how to live without a special person in his life. He and I would spend hours just watching tv, eating ice cream (a favorite hobby of mine...), and taking turns talking through our personal experiences. I believe that this relationship was vital in my sanity - he offered a way to talk through what I was dealing with emotionally and spiritually while also sharing about himself - kept me from being selfish with time and other's emotions. I had friends who contacted me that I rarely speak to, people send messages that I have never met, and family members shelter me in ways I have never experienced. Love oozed out of the wood work and took over my life - I might have felt lonely and lost but I was never alone. There was always someone checking up on me - even if it wasn't obvious.

Last spring, I went through a wild time. I sometimes call it "hitting my rock bottom" and I hope that last spring is the lowest I will ever go. However, my rock bottom was very mild in comparison to most of the world's experiences. I went out a lot and determined the success of my nights out by the attention and flattery I received from people at the bars. I went from having a best friend who was in constant contact and communication with me to not having that relationship at all and dealt with it by seeking attention from others. It wasn't until one morning after a particularly "fun" night out that I was struck with this personality shift that was occurring in my life. I was negative without realizing it, basing my self-worth on who paid attention to me the night before, and letting the expectations I had for myself slip dramatically. This realization very much shook me and lead me to Gabby - I knew I needed help coping with losing John and moving on from that. I needed serious help acknowledging and dealing with grief's sneakier and more subtle personas. I needed a third-party to hear my story, see my hurt, and help me get things back on track.

I guess that whole experience was a blessing. I was able to see what life is like when I do not hold myself to higher standards, to taste a worldly lifestyle and find out I don't care for it, to see the shift in myself and make an effort to change that. My low moments were the reason I sought help, were the physical proof that inside I was damaged and needing repair. How wonderful it is to be out of that experience and be able to see it as physical proof that I was broken...and to see where I have come since then. With a lot of tears and prayer and confusion, I have finally gotten past the brokeness. I can say that I am emotionally healthy and have a much clearer and happier view of myself...and how I fit into the world as Abby and not because of someone else. The downward spiral lead to great things in the end. Thank you for that experience and the process of healing afterwards - I know now so much about myself, life, grief, and dealing with the cards dealt to you.

I had this "boyfriend" for a few months. Some might say he was a sub-conscious distraction from the pain and absence of John's death. Some might say he was just a phase. I disagree with all of that. I learned a lot about relationships - what I want and need from them, how to compromise without compromising yourself, the ups and downs of big-kid relationships - from the last six months. Even though it didn't work out for us, I wouldn't blot that time out of my life. It's important to date people and get to know people - that's how we learn about ourselves and what we ultimately need in life. He was a great blessing in my life. I knew that all along but, now as I am taking time to look at the year in a whole, I see that he came into my life at the right time. I had an openness and willingness to be close to someone again. He listened to my stories about John and the heartache that comes with that. I listened to his stories, heartaches, and successes. It was just what I needed in so many ways. Though it's disappointing that it is over, it would have ended eventually. I am just grateful that I had that experience and that relationship in my life. Thank you for that.

My little brother has also been a huge blessing for me. I know that my whole family has loved me unconditionally this past year (and my whole life...) and dealt with my emotional expressions even when it was not easy. But, it was my brother that really touched me. I don't think this awareness hit me until this morning when I was talking through different blessings with God. I started praying for Zac and was hit with incredible love and gratefulness for his presence last year. He constantly checked up on me, and still does, to ask how I'm doing - how I'm REALLY doing - and to be there for me. Zac loved John and looked up to him so much. He admired John's constant relationship with God, his love for life, his easy laughter and huge heart. I know Zac misses him too but he pushes that aside to make sure I am okay and pushing on. Zac encourages me to be better than the emotional person I want to be. I have a great need and desire to be good and pure and healthy for the sake of my little brother. Zac stood with me, and others, in John's hospital room when he passed away. He, mom, and I held each other as we let John go, both physically and in our hearts, and watched John's family do the same. Talk about a life changing experience.

Another strange blessing was my ridiculously difficult and challenging class schedule the semester John died. Twenty-one hours of classes with four being an online nutrition class and an officer position in ADPi that required much time and attention drove me crazy...and also helped me survive. I knew I had to finish the semester whether it was with good grades or poor grades. I knew that my pledges in ADPi relied on me being aware and present for them. I knew that constant focus on school and sorority was the only way to not fall into the depths of grief that I felt grabbing at me. The craziness kept me sane - if that's possible.

As always, Marfa was a much needed time of refreshment, recovery and escape from reality. My theme this summer became "refresh" - I went into the summer with the hope, and need, to revitalize my heart and life. I needed the freshness of summer sun, a cool drink on the patio of the Hotel Paisano, seeing my Marfa family and being hugged by all of them. Some in Marfa knew I had lost a close friend but, for the most part, it was a normal summertime for all of us. I needed to get away from the constraints of school and sorority life, to not have huge responsibility resting on my shoulder, to be in the west Texas aromas that John and I always loved. Those three months allowed me to transition from struck with grief to moving past the grief and combating life as it comes my way.

Anyways, that's part of my blessed life. I really have lucked out and, unfortunately, it took this long to really be aware of all the blessings that have come my way. It really is important to sit back and take a more "overall" view of life - sometimes you find things you missed the first time.

Marfa means...refreshment and life.

Navigating the Wilderness #2

Have you ever seen the movie Blue Crush? The one about three friends and sisters, doing life on their own with little money and no adult figure to help guide them, that LOVE surfing? Well, at the end of the movie, the main girl gets the opportunity to compete in her dream competition - the biggest surfing challenge around. She is encouraged by her friends to enter and participate despite the terrors of her last competition - one where she nearly died by the waves. After overcoming her fear and embarking on her chance to win this challenge, she is drug under by the huge, torrential waves which she was supposed to be surfing on. Awesome. Her biggest nightmare is happening again. And yet, right at the last moment before total suffocation and despair, she gets the energy and will-power to conquer the waves, return to oxygen, and finish the competition. She ends up winning the event making her the most sought after female surfer. That's pretty intense.

Just like that movie shows one girl beating the odds and conquering the waves, we too must conquer the storms of life. Yes, we have seasons of life. But, sometimes those seasons turn into storms - it all just seems to pour down on you, infiltrating every nook and cranny of peace, light, and hope. The disciples experienced one of these storms during their time with Jesus. You know the story - they were in the boat, a storm came, they grew fearful and lost faith that the Lord would bring them through the downpour and huge waves, and then were saved by His Power in the end. This also correlates with when Peter walked on the water towards Jesus, full of faith and confidence, until he lost total focus on the Prize and began to sink. He too was saved by the Lord.

In both of these New Testament stories, we see events where the storm of life was great, and very real. The dangers and fears of the moment are tangible even for readers today. We understand the hopelessness of feeling like we are being drowned by life. Aren't we supposed to feel vivacious and energetic, after all, in LIFE? Well, yes, but sometimes we are brought to the wilderness because we need a change of heart, expectations, and settings - just as the Israelites needed to get out of Egypt. Sometimes, God allows us to enter a time of unknowns, unchartered territory, and emptiness so that we will learn to call on him, learn to depend on the mercy and light of our Father in order to get through each moment of life.

The key part of that last sentence is to CALL ON HIM. The disciples had to do it when they frantically woke up their Lord saying “Lord! Save us! We are going to drown!” (Matthew 8: 25). Peter also had to cry out for the Lord, “Lord, save me!”, after taking his focus off of Jesus for a moment. Moses also cried out to the Lord and suddenly his people had fresh drinking water – a relief from the bitter water they had found in the wilderness. It is natural for us to NEED God, that is why we are here, afterall! But, the Lord will wait for us to cry out for him, wait for us to acknowledge that we need his mercy and miraculous ways. It is in the eye of the storm, the heart of the despair, that we most see our need for His Hand and Heart to guide us, and to ultimately save us from our own destruction.

I have started a daily “cry out” to God. Maybe it is asking for a way to serve my roommate or those around me. Maybe it is asking for clarity in how I think and process through my daily emotions of peace and anxiety, comfort and loneliness, anticipation and anxiety. How will you cry out to the Lord today?

Marfa means…an oasis in my wilderness.

Navigating the Wilderness #1

In Priscilla Shirer’s book One in a Million: Journey to Your Promised Land, the experiences brought from life’s wildernesses, and how we respond to such events, is examined. Mrs. Shirer uses the example of the Israelites’ escape from the confines of Egyptian rule and their search for the Promised Land to help women, and men, today understand the seasons and storms of life. Out of the two million Israelites that left slavery in expectation of flowing milk and honey, only two actually arrived at this utmost goal. Thus, we have One in a Million – a challenge to become the minority, the few, who persevere through the wilderness of life and maintain their “eyes on the prize.” Readers are challenged to see through the storms life brings and seek the final destination where the sweetness and unique experience of knowing who God lies.

My life is a wilderness right now. No, I am not in financial constraint or dealing with a broken marriage or personally ill. To the outsider, I am a normal senior in college who is merely looking forward (with great anticipation, might I add) to that day in May when I walk across the stage and say goodbye to the world of academia and hello to commerce…or wherever I end up. But, on the inside, there is so much going on. I am dealing with the final quarter of a year that involved my best friend getting diagnosed with aggressive Lymphoma and dying all within four months. I am dealing with the anxiety that searching for a job in today’s economy brings any individual – but especially one who, despite a pretty nice GPA, has little experience in her desired field. I am experiencing an absence from John no longer being in my life, my good friends graduating this December, a desire but confusion to find that “perfect” first job, a failed relationship with a guy I really liked and saw a future with, figuring out who I am on my own… WOW, that is a wilderness for sure. There are so many emotions and displaced feelings right now for me. Those around me do not seem to know or really understand how I feel inside my heart and mind. For most of my friends, graduation is a long way off, not something to look forward to, and a moment of huge transition from fun to adulthood. I see May 14^th as the beginning to a new season in life. It represents the end of my experience at school, which has grown to represent the last year and dealing with grief more than anything. It represents an opportunity to stop being a professional student and start making real money, supporting myself, dealing with the world in a more realistic and grown up manner. There will be fewer boundaries, more structure, and more purpose.

Up until recently, I have view this 2010-2011 school year to be a waiting period for me – a holding pen until I am released into the freshness of life post-college. I have been wondering how I will last 9 more months, and now 6 more months, until I can leave these last 13 months behind me and start new. Thank goodness I have a wise and understanding therapist to help me see life differently than that! After seven months of weekly sessions, Gabby and I have been able to connect and trust each other to be honest, open, and real during our conversations. I trust Gabby’s opinions and advice more than anyone right now because she has helped to guide me through the darkest points of my life, and has helped me to see the light. She cries with me and shares of her own experiences when they pertain to my own. She is honest and bold about how I see situations – sometimes it is easy to hear, other times not so much. But, one thing she has been persistently reminding me of is this: Find out why God has put you here for this school year, why you are in this wilderness. Do not let this season of life pass you by – do not miss the opportunity to explore God’s will and personality, to acknowledge his divine plan in your life, or to touch others because of your storm. One in a Million has brought so many of these answers to my attention. Between Gabby and Mrs. Shirer, I can see myself growing in my faith and how I see the world. Life is not easy. It is not a “walk in the park” all the times. Yes, there are the times when we are floating on cloud nine (is that the right saying??), when things seem to be wonderful and perfection is unstoppable. And, yet, it is in these moments that reality likes to bite us the most. It is in the sweetness that we are brought back to our senses and must struggle through the thorns and drought and anxiety that the wilderness brings in order to better see, know, and understand how sweet life really is. This understanding only comes because we know and acknowledge the power, the might, the deep love of our Father whose hand and voice will always be our guide through the wilderness and to the Promised Land…we just have to cry out for his aide and be obedient.

If only that was as easy as it sounds…

Marfa means…a break from the wilderness and a taste of the milk and honey of the Promised Land.

a few obsessions.

Well, my life here in the Hubcity these days has been less than busy, exciting, or frantic. I have gone from the over-active, never free, stressful, and emotionally wearing semester of last Spring to this Fall semester: boring classes that matter as much to me as Avatar or Star Trek, an unchallenged mind that is becoming more and more sluggish, and very little drive due to my unchallenging academic life. What a change in my life! Marfa this summer was a wonderful fantasy that I now look back upon - dreaming of my nights on the ranch of a handsome cowboy, my job that PAID me in both money and joy, and a life where a slow pace is in fact the way of being...not just due to having NOTHING to do. What a nice day dream I have when I think of my summer days...

But, as I have lounged out my last three months in Lubbock anticipating my final semester as a college student, I have found a few new obsessions. These are things that I cannot seem to get enough of and...well, it's becoming a problem:

- Individually wrapped, frozen tilapia. Rachel and I make these on a regular basis and, not only are they easy and quick, but they are so versatile!

- SALTINE CRACKERS. If you have yet to appreciate this classic crunch, you need to revert to your grandmother's pantry. They are salty and crispy, soften in your mouth, taste good with so many things (peanut butter, cheese, a side dish for a smoothie, etc), and are only about 60 calories for ten! I am obsessed and go through a packet very quickly. They are great for a quick "salty fix" or a road trip snack. Just don't forget to enjoy and appreciate the awesomeness of them.

- Eminem's "Like the Way You Lie" - I know, I know - it's over played and worn out. But the vocals and mood and...sigh, it's just great.

- Fresh Jalapenos. Ross' dad taught me to appreciate a fresh jalapeno with your meal. Rosa's serves them in the salsa bar. Just can't seem to get enough of them!

- Bobby pins - this is nothing new for me but they offer so many ways of doing one's hair. Also, they can hold belts together, double as a ponytail holder, and fit easily into one's wallet for a quick fix.

- Trying new wine. I love wine. It goes beyond the drink though - it's an experience thing. Talking about the flavors and texture, pairing with different foods, deciding if I even like said bottle of vino - it all makes the experience that much better.

- Two new blogs:

a) pioneerwoman.com - check this out NOW. Even if you aren't a cooking regular, she will present recipes in a simple, well-photographed manner that will make ANYONE, foodie or no, ready to dust off the pans, crank up the stove, and get to work. Her blog on life as a Canadian ranch wife/mom is fabulous, her photos make you feel the need to invest in a $1200 camera, and her recipes...well, they will change the way you think and dialogue about food. Just trust me on this one...go.

b) Hyperbole and a Half - wow. John's sister, Lindy, directed me to this blog and it is as if my missed boy was blogging to us from Heaven. The author's words, method of expressing feelings, overly dramatic descriptions...it all points to something that John would not just appreciate but truly love. I can see him, unable to breathe, and slapping his knees in laughter so real and so heart-filled that everyone else can't help but laugh...even if they don't know what is so funny. Please. go read this blog. Start from day one and do not stop until you have finished. By reading this blog and knowing that it is SO like the man I miss oh so very much, you might understand the life and laughter of John Means.

These are just a few things that my slow-paced life and lack of drive have brought to me. Granted, food is always an obsession - it's just a matter of what kind at any given moment.

I hope my readers (are you out there? do I have readers??) are enjoying autumn as it creeps up on us. I love this time of year - crisp weather, fuzzy scarves, wood fireplaces, steamy cocoa and hearty stews. I hope you are enjoying it too!

Marfa is...on my horizon!! I go back in less than two weeks for a full week of Thanksgiving and family time!

my last two months.

Um, my blogging behavior, or lack-there-of, has been unacceptable and inappropriate lately. I just noticed that it has been TWO MONTHS to the day since my last entry. And oh so much has happened in two months. I must confess that I was only made aware of my blogging hiatus thanks to a girlfriend of mine. Way to have my back, Kenz.

Let's see where my life has come and gone in the last two months. How about I list a few of the tops so that you get a good overview:

- I dated someone in this time. No bitter feelings but it is no longer "on." We are just at different places, wanting different things right now. But still, he was sweet and showed me a lot about relationships, what I want and don't want, what I NEED, and how to care about someone.

- Campmeeting happened. I have dreaded this moment since January 25th but really since this time last year. A year ago EXACTLY, John was in the hospital being diagnosed with aggressive lymphoma. Every since that happened, I knew my life would never be the same. Since Campmeeting was such a huge part of our relationship and my own life, I did not know what to expect or hope for from that long-awaited week in August. Turns out, even with the scary and emotional moments, it was still precious and much needed. Granted, my campmeeting experience will never be the same (nor would I really want it to), I will forever look forward to that week in God's country amidst the love and loyalty of my friends and family.

- I had my last ADPi recruitment, got a new group of Alphas (our name for our pledges) whom I get to take care of until they get initiated, and I started my last fall semester as a college student. EEk! So much has been going on in the LBK for me since I returned mid-August. Trying to balance a long-distant relationship, my studies (baha), all of my Alphas and their needs, as well as spend SOME time with my lovely roomie/BFF and in our awesome home has proven to be no easy task. But, I think I have gotten the balance down and am learning to just ignore my phone calls or facebook sometimes - a girl's gotta have some peace and quiet every now and then! I am ready to embrace this last year and GET OUTTA HERE! Don't get me wrong - I will miss and forever cherish Lubbock, Texas Tech, my sorority, and the life I have here. But, I am ready to say farewell to college life and studying and become a big kid. I am sure I will wish to eat these words this time next year, but alas, it is how I feel now.

- I have totally and completely lost any pre-summer tan I gained during finals week of Spring 2010 semester. I spent countless hours "studying"...and by that I DO mean laying around the pool with notes in one hand, a beverage in the other. By the beginning of my time in Marfa, I was easily mistaken for one from the bordering country to our great nation or perhaps an indigenous tribe elsewhere. No tan lines, summer glow, naturally bronzed - what more could a girl want? Well, then I started a job that was indoors in a town that has no outdoor swimming pool and with no one brave enough to lay out in my backyard with me. I quickly returned to the paleish version of myself that I am now. What a sad moment it was when I realized that, in fact, my skin tone will not change between now and December :(

- Even though my Marfalous SUMMER ended weeks ago, I kept my Marfalous life going with regular checkins to my favorite mountain range. I spent Labor Day weekend with said boy in Ft. Davis (Marfa's neighboring town) cooking, watching movies, drinking wine, dining with his parents, and just RELAXING - something my crazy Lubbock life rarely allows for. The next weekend meant back to Marfa for Abby - how great to have two west Texas weekends in a row! This time I partied the weekend away with my family and good family friends from West Texas. Lizzie, unofficial family to me, wed her oh-so-nice Cajun fiance and used the entire weekend for the celebration. Lots of booze, plates and plates of delicious food, skeet shooting and dancing made this weekend something to remember for many MANY years to come. Lizzie definitely upped the standard for all of the remaining weddings in that social grouping.

Well, that more or less summarizes my past few months. So sorry to keep you all hanging. But, rest assured, my Marfalous life remains, well...Marfalous, even while I am absent from my favorite little town. Thank God for that.


Marfa means...a place I can always come home to.

not QUITE speechless.

While I was meandering about Lubbock, a great blog subject came to mind. I was having a conversation with someone about something that was just BEGGING to be blogged over. I could feel my written words forming in my mind as we continued to discuss whatever it is. Now, here I sit able to write and able to explore such things and, yet, I have no idea what it was. Bummer.

But, here I am with keyboard in hand and ready to type up a storm. What to discuss?

This weekend I embark on yet another mini-vaca. This summer seems to have been filled with weekends away - all for good, fun reasons but I just wanna stay here for once! I head to the DFW area on Friday for Clay's wedding. Clay and I have been close friends for years and he was always the big brother I never got to have. Over the years, we had our highs and lows and have recently drifted apart again. But, we have shared in many huge, life changing experiences together and will always be connected by those things. I have yet to meet the bride but have only heard good things - I am excited to see them become man and wife under the audience God and the people who love them dearly. I wish John would be there with me - we were so excited about Clay's upcoming nuptials and I just don't feel right not having him there. Yes, he will "be there in spirit" but I will now be selfish and say...I want him with ME.

What are your upcoming weekend plans? We are now on the downhill towards the end of summer...how will you utilize your weekend?


Marfa means...new relationships, new people, and new things to look forward to :)

welcome home.

After much frustration and anxiety, 5 trips from one house to the next, lots of sweat, and even more laughs, Rachel and I are in the new house! It was a dramatic situation having to even move in the first place as we had been under the impression from early January until May that we would stay in the old house. In case last semester wasn't dramatic and crazy enough, life decided to make us find a new place to live, pack up, and move out. It was DEFINITELY not ideal but the end result made everything worth it. Rachel and I now have a home to ourselves, not shared by an old roommate with whom relations were not the best. We have OUR colors of paint on the wall, OUR furniture set up just how WE envisioned it, and OUR year of living together to look forward to. Yes, leaving Marfa for a weekend and having to pack up and then just unpack and reset up house was inconvenient and thoroughly annoying. But, and it is the but that matters now, I am so pleased with the house and the experience of anticipating and then moving in together that it does not really matter what we had to go through...does it?

Rachel and I started out our college years and our relationship together as roommates in the tiny cubicle Tech calls a dorm room. We used one tiny room as a bathroom area, kitchen, living space, bedroom, closet, and storage. Nine months together in that situation and we STILL are bff's was a good sign to us both that, yes, we should spend our final year at Tech together once again. I have my lover (not really you sickos!) just a stone's throw away - I love that :) Last night as we finally settled down to watch our first movie in our completely set up house, we started laughing as we realized that, already, each of us had chosen "our spots" in the living room. We each contributed a couch and cover for this comfy piece of furniture to the living room. We each found ourselves sprawled out on our own couch last night - I guess we have marked our territory?

I love that we both have such distinctive and unique styles. Just peer through our doorways into the bedrooms we chose - each of us wanted different rooms...thank goodness! Her's has a french, romantic, and yet modern feel to it. Mine is anthropologie on a budget. They are so completely different and yet work together - just like our halves of the dorm room way back when. I love my bestie and, after her long time away in France, a year together will be much needed and appreciated.


Marfa means...my new cozy house with my bestie and forever roommate. Stop on by and we'll have a cold beer on the patio...I have some awesome retro chairs :)