On Tuesday the 25th, a year of life without John will have passed. It was on a Monday morning in 2010 that he pressed on towards the goal and finally reached it.
In a year, a lot has happened. I guess that's true for anyone - 365 days offers plenty of time for more than one success, heartbreak, failure, and new experiences. For me, the 365 days between January 25, 2010 and January 25, 2011 represent spiraling out of control, finding a professional to help me right my life and figure out who I am without John, dealing with the absence of my best friend, dealing with a new relationship that began very abruptly and then ended as quickly as it began, and beginning to look towards my next phase of life...post-graduation. All of the experiences and emotions that hit me this past year have been some sort of blessing - even though I couldn't see it at the time. Gabby, my soul-mate counselor, has challenged me to see my life from the days leading up to John's death through now using a bird's eyeview of the situations. She has challenged me to look at what occurred and who was a part of each experience to really understand God's hand in blessing me through the whole process. I guess I am here today to share with the world wide web a few of these blessing...if I have learned anything, I know that it is important to verbalize and share where you are in life. That's the only way to fully understand and process this crazy life.
Last January, there were many people who popped into life just in time to help heal and protect my aching heart. I had people at school who did not understand or know much of the situation with John but they knew me and knew that I needed space while also needing their love, support, and normalcy from them. There was a new friend who, though the situation was very different, also had to deal through life and figuring out how to live without a special person in his life. He and I would spend hours just watching tv, eating ice cream (a favorite hobby of mine...), and taking turns talking through our personal experiences. I believe that this relationship was vital in my sanity - he offered a way to talk through what I was dealing with emotionally and spiritually while also sharing about himself - kept me from being selfish with time and other's emotions. I had friends who contacted me that I rarely speak to, people send messages that I have never met, and family members shelter me in ways I have never experienced. Love oozed out of the wood work and took over my life - I might have felt lonely and lost but I was never alone. There was always someone checking up on me - even if it wasn't obvious.
Last spring, I went through a wild time. I sometimes call it "hitting my rock bottom" and I hope that last spring is the lowest I will ever go. However, my rock bottom was very mild in comparison to most of the world's experiences. I went out a lot and determined the success of my nights out by the attention and flattery I received from people at the bars. I went from having a best friend who was in constant contact and communication with me to not having that relationship at all and dealt with it by seeking attention from others. It wasn't until one morning after a particularly "fun" night out that I was struck with this personality shift that was occurring in my life. I was negative without realizing it, basing my self-worth on who paid attention to me the night before, and letting the expectations I had for myself slip dramatically. This realization very much shook me and lead me to Gabby - I knew I needed help coping with losing John and moving on from that. I needed serious help acknowledging and dealing with grief's sneakier and more subtle personas. I needed a third-party to hear my story, see my hurt, and help me get things back on track.
I guess that whole experience was a blessing. I was able to see what life is like when I do not hold myself to higher standards, to taste a worldly lifestyle and find out I don't care for it, to see the shift in myself and make an effort to change that. My low moments were the reason I sought help, were the physical proof that inside I was damaged and needing repair. How wonderful it is to be out of that experience and be able to see it as physical proof that I was broken...and to see where I have come since then. With a lot of tears and prayer and confusion, I have finally gotten past the brokeness. I can say that I am emotionally healthy and have a much clearer and happier view of myself...and how I fit into the world as Abby and not because of someone else. The downward spiral lead to great things in the end. Thank you for that experience and the process of healing afterwards - I know now so much about myself, life, grief, and dealing with the cards dealt to you.
I had this "boyfriend" for a few months. Some might say he was a sub-conscious distraction from the pain and absence of John's death. Some might say he was just a phase. I disagree with all of that. I learned a lot about relationships - what I want and need from them, how to compromise without compromising yourself, the ups and downs of big-kid relationships - from the last six months. Even though it didn't work out for us, I wouldn't blot that time out of my life. It's important to date people and get to know people - that's how we learn about ourselves and what we ultimately need in life. He was a great blessing in my life. I knew that all along but, now as I am taking time to look at the year in a whole, I see that he came into my life at the right time. I had an openness and willingness to be close to someone again. He listened to my stories about John and the heartache that comes with that. I listened to his stories, heartaches, and successes. It was just what I needed in so many ways. Though it's disappointing that it is over, it would have ended eventually. I am just grateful that I had that experience and that relationship in my life. Thank you for that.
My little brother has also been a huge blessing for me. I know that my whole family has loved me unconditionally this past year (and my whole life...) and dealt with my emotional expressions even when it was not easy. But, it was my brother that really touched me. I don't think this awareness hit me until this morning when I was talking through different blessings with God. I started praying for Zac and was hit with incredible love and gratefulness for his presence last year. He constantly checked up on me, and still does, to ask how I'm doing - how I'm REALLY doing - and to be there for me. Zac loved John and looked up to him so much. He admired John's constant relationship with God, his love for life, his easy laughter and huge heart. I know Zac misses him too but he pushes that aside to make sure I am okay and pushing on. Zac encourages me to be better than the emotional person I want to be. I have a great need and desire to be good and pure and healthy for the sake of my little brother. Zac stood with me, and others, in John's hospital room when he passed away. He, mom, and I held each other as we let John go, both physically and in our hearts, and watched John's family do the same. Talk about a life changing experience.
Another strange blessing was my ridiculously difficult and challenging class schedule the semester John died. Twenty-one hours of classes with four being an online nutrition class and an officer position in ADPi that required much time and attention drove me crazy...and also helped me survive. I knew I had to finish the semester whether it was with good grades or poor grades. I knew that my pledges in ADPi relied on me being aware and present for them. I knew that constant focus on school and sorority was the only way to not fall into the depths of grief that I felt grabbing at me. The craziness kept me sane - if that's possible.
As always, Marfa was a much needed time of refreshment, recovery and escape from reality. My theme this summer became "refresh" - I went into the summer with the hope, and need, to revitalize my heart and life. I needed the freshness of summer sun, a cool drink on the patio of the Hotel Paisano, seeing my Marfa family and being hugged by all of them. Some in Marfa knew I had lost a close friend but, for the most part, it was a normal summertime for all of us. I needed to get away from the constraints of school and sorority life, to not have huge responsibility resting on my shoulder, to be in the west Texas aromas that John and I always loved. Those three months allowed me to transition from struck with grief to moving past the grief and combating life as it comes my way.
Anyways, that's part of my blessed life. I really have lucked out and, unfortunately, it took this long to really be aware of all the blessings that have come my way. It really is important to sit back and take a more "overall" view of life - sometimes you find things you missed the first time.
Marfa means...refreshment and life.
