welcome back.

four months since my last entry.
That was enough time for four major holidays to pass, for a series of semester exams to pass and another semester to start. Four months has meant many snow storms, a few nights out, and many Marfa trips for me. The last four months has also signified the most influential moments of my life so far.

On January 25, 2010 - nearly a month ago - my best friend, John, passed away. He fought a fierce battle against cancer but his body was so weak from the fight that it could not defend itself from an infection. It was a quick farewell as he went from normal to very ill in a matter of hours. I could spend PAGES writing about him. I have started a series of letters to him since his death - that alone is quite long so far. In those letters, I tell John the things that I would normally tell him via text message or phone calls. We did not get to see each other that often but we would whittle away the hours with a constant conversation. Very rarely would you find us NOT in a texting conversation with each other. Mom got mad at me many times because I was texting John instead of giving her my full attention.

Since he was raised in Valentine, Texas (20 miles from Marfa), we laid him to rest in the Valentine Cemetery where his grave overlooks the family ranch and the West Texas mountains. He would love the view that he scored for sure. After a few days with my family and his, I went to Marfa to regroup and finish out the weekend before school started back. This was the one time in my entire life that I can ever remember WANTING to leave West Texas, wanting to get away from the mountains and the open sky, wanting to be back at school and my reality. Being out there, a place that John and I shared a deep passion for, only made his absence that much more obvious to me. Add to the already present sorrow, I was in the Marfa house alone for two nights - way too much time to be alone with your thoughts after such a life-changing experience. The Marfa house is normally a place of refuge and energizing myself - it is a place for me to just chill and regroup. That weekend, it was a place filled with memories of John, a place that only further showed how alone he has left me.

Now, I know I am not ALONE - there are tons of people who love me and have been reaching out to me these last four weeks. But, I have been left behind by my best friend, my soul mate and partner in crime. I lack a relationship that truly helped establish who I am as an individual - a relationship that has consumed my mind and heart for the last six years. However, I am also so very aware of the aloneness that he has left in my romantic world. You see, not only was John my best friend and second half, he was my "person"- my preferred date to events, my shoulder to cry on or to complain to, my partner when everyone else had a significant other. I wasn't asked to Senior Prom because people thought I had "a guy in Lubbock" that I was with...that was John. Story of our lives! So many times we confused people because we were NOT together or in any kind of relationship other than just good friends. But, we were that person for each other - this is probably why neither of us had a significant other in the last six years - we did not need one.

His death has left such a hole in my life. Right now, I am not really living the "Marfalous life" of last summer. I now know sorrow and deep heartbreak - a heartbreak that is only made less painful with time. I now know what it is like to lose someone you love more than yourself, to regret that last conversation with someone or the last time you saw them. I know the sorrow to the depths of who I am that is seen in a funeral scene. I know what cancer really means. Since I last wrote in this blog, I have wept and feared and even wanted to not be in Marfa - all very odd emotions. Right now, I cannot wait to return to Marfa - I need time there to let West Texas heal my heart and to feel needed again, wanted again. Hopefully that time will come sooner than expected.