gone home.

Spring break this year was not the most exciting nor the most exotic in my lifetime. In the 21 years that I have been "spring breaking", I have been to Europe, Orlando, New York, all over Texas, cruised the Caribbean, and even had a crazy week in Argentina. This year was a little different. Normally, if i have nothing "exciting" planned, I will gladly pack my lovely Lola (my car...) and head West - after all, I leave my heart there...you can only go so long without your heart.

But, this year I opted for an even more calm and relaxing itinerary than Marfa would allow (I actually have a social life there - not so much relaxing as refreshing anymore...) and headed south! I braced myself for possibly destructive levels of humidity and headed to Houston with my good friend, Tammy. We did a few nights at my grandmother's farm (we all call her Sita and him Papacito, just fyi) as well as a few nights at Tammy's house. We saw the southern coast (sadly, too much wind meant no beach time for us pasty gals), ate more than necessary of pound cake and beans and yummy cuisines NOT found in Lubbock, had quality family time, and saw the Houston Rodeo. Basically, it was a big time. Then, on Wednesday, I flew home to Dallas for a few days with my family before Tammy picked me up and chaperoned me back to the Hub City. I now sit, still in my towel wrap, in my unpacked room with nothing but slowly returning to reality on my agenda until Monday afternoon. Mmm...

Even though Dallas is where I grew up, home to me is Marfa, Lubbock, and whereever my family is - preferably that is Marfa :) I love my childhood home - best kitchen around - and would never change where I grew up. I only return, though, because it means I get to see and just BE with my family. I rarely venture out of the house unless it's a family outing...or for a quick Gap run to make sure they dont have any new necessities... I just love being with my family - normally, this means eating or napping or watching multiple movies. But the fact that they are there, with me, is what matters the most.

So, all this said, Dallas this trip was a scary thing for me. I knew I wanted to see my family and be with them for a few days but I also knew there would be a lot of "moments" for me. You see, I use "moments" to refer to those heartwrenching, tear-activating moments in my life that trigger the sadness and loneliness I normal can distract myself from feeling. This was the first time for me to be home since John died. He used to love my room - it was always where he stayed when he spent the night or house sat. I don't know how I feel about my room anymore. It was very isolated from the rest of the house. To me, it is a room of sadness and absence. It is where I spent my first night without my person - where I cried myself to sleep because that was the only way to face the loneliness that his death ensued. It's the little things that tug at my heart - like not having him to text "And we're OFF!" as Tammy and I headed back to school...or how Zac and I drive with our knees (a trick learned and perfected from John)...or eating at the SAME table at Mi Cocina, his favorite restaurant, when the last time I was there was with him...or passing gas stations on the highway that I remember telling him about...or driving down the very roads that I had to endure as I rode to say my final goodbye to someone who means so much to me. It's a lot of little moments, mostly firsts for me, that I had to endure these last few days. It wasn't until I was out of Ft Worth that it really hit me that I have so much missing of John left. I have so many more firsts without him left that it is scary. I can't let myself think about them - if I do, my relaxing few days left will turn into an emotional exhaustion period.

I guess the whole point in today's blurb is that, two months into "Johnlessness", I think I hurt more than I did two DAYS into it. It is more real to me now. Even going home is emotionally exhausting - almost to the point of avoiding it completely. And yet, these moments must be faced, head on. There's no getting around the fact that my best friend, my companion in everything, is no longer joining in with me. Just like I had to face being home in order to enjoy quality family time, I must face every other moment that comes my way in order to really enjoy the life I have.

I guess that's all I really have... Even when I am not in Marfa, I must live a MARFALOUS life! It is vital to one's well-being that they embrace the moments of each day just as I embraced my Marfa experience last summer. Just because I am not physically in Marfa, my heart is, and thus I still am living my Marfalous life :)