Draw Near

In the past few weeks, I have been more susceptible and open to God's voice. Campmeeting this year was very different than last year - it was NOT the first year without John, I was NOT dating someone who also goes to CM, and I am in a much healthier, stronger, and more lovely place than I have been in the past. Campmeeting, being different and new for me, was very much anticipated by myself for the spiritual renewal and connections that traditionally occur in the sacred campgrounds. Being surrounded by life-long friends whom I see as family, my own family as well, and the glory of God all around makes it difficult to not see and taste the love of God.

This summer was a great one - filled with new people, new experiences, and getting settled in. This weekend was the first chance I have had to just BE here in Midland - no agenda, just relaxing and working on my GRE preparations (yes, I am taking the GRE...PRAY!). It was not until this weekend that I realized how exhausting my summer was! Being new in town and working all week and going out of town on weekends and establishing new relationships - all of these things are good and fun but wear down the body. I used the past three days to recover and refresh myself. I had a few good, strong cries (do NOT see "The Help" if you are not in a cry mood...you will fail), dug into the Word a bit, cleaned house, and had some time to sport my swimsuit - FINALLY!

In Bible Study yesterday, we discussed James 4: draw near to God and He will draw near to God. God is just like any of us in the fact that He wants us to show need and affection towards Him. Haven't you ever been in a relationship where you felt that you were the initiator of time and attention, so much so that you pull back until they clue-in and share the role of initiator? God is similar - He wants and hopes for us to draw near to Him, to share our thoughts and worries and plans and tears and laughter. He created us to worship and love Him - He in turn loves and protects us. It is only you and the Spirit that truly KNOW you...and manytimes only the Spirit KNOWS you because he knows what you have yet to see and experience in yourself. Seek the face of God. Listen to his direction and words. Soak up His Grace and Loyalty.

Right now I am very much at a place of NEEDING to listen to and hear from God. Life plans are changing, I am growing, and I am needing direction from the One who knows me best and has the Big Plan for my life. Are you open to and aware of God's voice and direction in your life? Let us each pray for open eyes and open ears, for open arms to the presence of our Father.

Marfa means...I need to get back out there! My soul is ready for some Marfa refreshing!

Since my last post, much has happened and I have stayed delightfully busy. I have made four trips to Marfa since moving to Midland, gotten settled into my apartment, overcome the initial exhaustion from a fulltime job, and have even started meeting some new people. There have been a few nights out, many new restaurants tried, and community events attended like the local baseball games and concerts. So far, so good.

If anything, I know that I am exactly where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing at this point in my life. Will this job be my lifetime career? Who am I to say this early on. Am I involved in the community and socializing like I did in LUbbock and Dallas? That will take more time than six weeks. But, the important thing is that I feel good, strong, and know I am where I need to be. From here, things will fall into place and, hopefully, God will show his desire and plan for my life incrementally along the way.

Here are a few things I already love about Midland:

- My friends around town at the various body shops and dealerships we work with. Gus is my favorite. He works at the store where we get oil changes on a very regular basis...I think he has a crush on me.

- Open skies. Driving to work each morning on the loop allows me to see the openness around my new town. The sun is always creeping up as I drive to work and is a bold, vibrant orangey pink color. When there are clouds, which is not too often, they color the sky in hues of pink, orange, and blue as the sun beams through. This is not something one sees in the big city where skyscrapers and telephone lines spot the sky. Only a place open and separated from most of civilization such as Midland can offer such a view.

- Community. Midland, though a "city" in lay-man's terms, remains tightly knitted like a larger town. There are many community events and opportunities to see, taste, and feel the local culture. To not take part in the various experiences would be a loss as there is a large variety - baseball games, music in the park, Saturday morning farmers' markets, festivals, and local restaurants.

- Trucks, boots, and perfectly fitted jeans - need I say more?

- Dry heat - I can't STAND humidity.

- and a big one: being centrally located to all of my family. Already, I have gotten to attend a funeral, birthday party, dinners with the grandparents, and have my family stay the night with me because I am close enough to West Texas and am on the way to West Texas. I am perfectly placed to see my family as they head out to Marfa for a weekend. I am conveniently close to my grandparents and my people out West if something should happen or they might need me.

This post is strange but, I realize more and more, that I too am strange. I just missed writing and have not had much free time to sit down and type away - a blessing and a curse perhaps? I will now continue to pass the evening with a goblet of vino and a good book. Let's just hope I do not doze off too soon...

Marfa means...the grand central station for my family at large.

Midland Mornings.

Not only is it Hump Day (Wednesday for those who don't know...) and wedged between two weekends in Marfa, I did not have to go into work today until noon. Because we work long hours throughout the week, each of us has a "flex day" to sleep in or leave early. Not only does it keep our hours at a decent level but it keeps us from getting burnt out, allows errands to be done, and catch up on leisure time to refresh ourselves. I don't mind the longer days knowing that one morning that week I can NOT set my alarm, work out if I want to (ha!), go out for breakfast, get things done, etc.

Today I opted for sleeping in, getting dressed for the day, and spending a few hours at a cafe I have been reading about. Harvest Caffe sits among boutiques, yoga salons, looming trees and older Midland. It is a quaint area that reminds me much of a bigger city - maybe even Dallas. I have read and heard of Harvest so opted to spend my free morning with my trusty laptop, a good book, and an iced coffee by my side. I love this place already. The walls are painted in deep, rich colors with italian art and overstuffed, rich furniture. The muffins and treats look just as delicious as my coffee really is and the food menu has won me over without even trying anything! There is ample table space for various groupings, good lighting for comfort and working, and - my favorite part - a sitting area with a wood fireplace as the focal point. Beautifully decorated, this little caffe will see my face many times in the future - especially as it cools off and the fire calls out to me.

A group of women, all in their fifties I am thinking, has been sitting a few seats down from me. I must keep my grin and chuckles to myself as they remind me, in a BIG way, of what my mom and her friends must be like together. I guess they just left the yoga studio as their attire is cute but practical workout gear. Not to mention they are discussing a great need for a shower as they have dried sweat on their skin. Lovely - and so hilariously real. I now know of more than one random child, grandchild, new fiance, and upcoming family vacation for these women. How fun to have a group of girlfriends to get together, celebrate friendship, and chatter (probably even brag as well...) about their families and joys of life. My mother can't help but come to mind as I listen and observe these women. I can only hope for such community and fellowship when I too am 50 years old. What a blessing and gift in life.

This little town continues to capture my heart. I am still greatly on the lookout for social outlets other than work but the other things, not just a need for people to know, have won me over. This caffe and it's entirety for one. Then there is the community gathering at each Rockhound Baseball game. Missy and I went to the game on the Fourth of July and watched as the communities of Midland, Odessa, and surrounding towns gathered to support their minor league team, enjoy celebratory fireworks, and honor those from the area who have both given their lives and continue to serve overseas for the sake of freedom. What a great experience to be a part of. Not to mention having one of my best girlfriends share in the delight of bursting firecrackers, baseball popcorn, and cute baseball players.

Well, I am having the Dallas in me come out as I need to go poke through the nearby boutiques. There are some beautiful clothes, shoes, and accessories just waiting for this twenty-something to let the City in her come out for a moment. I might love my small town lifestyles but I can't help but appreciate some quality shopping! Enjoy today - it is the middle of a good, holiday week and a beautiful day. Let the love and blessings of the One who gives us such goodness shine today.

Marfa means...a place where I get to be with people who KNOW me. It is a place of emotional refreshment for me time and time again.

my new surroundings

Well, I made it. I have moved out of the house in Lubbock, into the much smaller apartment in Midland, and have even gotten all my boxes and bags unpacked. It's not totally done as the wall hangings are gonna have to wait - I need a break for a few days! But, I am settled and comfortable in my new digs. The last time I lived in an apartment, there were four girls in one little place. Though we all had our own rooms and bathrooms, it was tight quarters with many personalities at their max strength! This new one is all mine, has a lovely and spacious balcony, and a working fireplace. It makes me a TEENY bit okay with the cold weather that will embark eventually.

Living by myself is a catch-22. While I have my own space and can do what I want, when I want, I miss living with someone. It is weird to come home at night and know that I will not be seeing anyone until the next day. It is weird to know that I CAN walk around sans-clothing or watch whatever movies I want or not clean the dishes if I just don't feel up for it. There is something dramatically comforting and peace-bringing about having another body with you at night. I miss you, Rachel!! You and I lived so well, so healthily, so smoothly together. I knew I could never have a new roomie because they would only ever disappoint compared to how well we lived together.

Started my job today at the branch I will be working for the next while in my life. I had a great time, we stayed busy, and I am excited to get to know these people I will be working with for the coming months - maybe even years. There is an energy with the corporation and the individuals that I work for, and with. It will be a wild few weeks as I get situated and comfortable with the job but lots of energy, lots of new experiences, and hopefully lots of fun.

Alright, just needed to get in a quick update here. I have a summer project I am working on so I must proceed for my daily dose of project-work. Hope you all are enjoying summer and soaking up the sun!

Marfa means...I get to be there in less than 3 weeks!!!!

You know that feeling we all have as Christmas approaches? The one where you anticipate this particular holiday ALL year long, plan parties and meals and outfits, think about how much each member of your life means to you...? And then, do you know the feeling that you get on December 26th when you wake up and realize that it's all over? All the planning and partying and socializing and wrapping has reached it's purpose and is over for the year? It's a feeling of near defeat when you realize that all you have planned and thought and hoped towards has been accomplished...

Graduation was similar to this feeling. Although, unlike Christmas, there will not be a renewed cycle of all the planning, paperwork, anticipating and goodbyes in 365 days. You get one college graduation to look forward to and then you are set off into the real world to see what it's really like out there. I reached my ONE college graduation. It was a great weekend full of family and friends, excitement, celebrations, good food and some good wine. With all the fun comes some interesting emotions, thoughts, and feelings towards this turning point in my life.

When a student graduates from high school, everyone tells them how they are all grown up, they are entering the "real world", and that things will be different from now on. Personally, I find this to be pretty much completely untrue. College is very similar, socially, to high school - only better. For the most part, you choose your schedule based on when you do or don't want to go to classes. You are expected to first and foremost be a student - even when there is a job or other responsibilities involved. You live with friends and create your life around them and your social desires. It really is the life. It is not the "real world" - it is the "ideal world." Being in college was a blast and similar to a little bubble around my reality and how I wanted it to be.

The real change is AFTER college. For the first time in my life, I got to CHOOSE what comes next. It is a very surreal moment when you realize that there is really no norm for what to do next. After high school, there are two "norms" to choose from: college or get a job. After college, the opportunities are endless: travel the world, join the military, veg on mom and dad's couch til they kick you out, get a job, get an internship, continue with further education, don't graduate and get another degree...There are MANY options and they all work in today's society. Yes, people want to hear that you have a job and when you will be starting. But, there is no longer a force driving you to choose between limited options - there are so many options that you must decide for yourself what is the best and where you want it to take you. It is this freedom, and lack of guidance, that seems to be the most difficult feeling for my graduated peers and myself to grasp. We have total control over where we go next. For the first time, we get to...and we have to...choose for ourselves how to begin this next era. Strange. Surreal. Invigorating. Scary. Call it what you want but it is a sense of freedom - whether good or bad - that any graduate from college receives along with their diploma.

Yes, I am very excited and ready for this next phase. I am so ready for my job and new little life to start that I made the odd request to start as soon as possible instead of requesting one more summer vacation period. Maybe I will regret this in a few months, maybe not. But, for right now, I know that the job I chose, the town I chose, and the time to start that I chose are all right for me at this point in my life. It is a very freeing feeling to know what you want and to be sure in the big decisions you have made. I hope that my younger friends are able to feel the same security and decisiveness that I have experienced throughout the process of figuring out what to do next. It is important to be both honest with yourself and those around you on what you expect out of your post-college life. What hours do you want to work? Where do you want to live? Is it important to have standard work weeks and holidays or is that not so important as a fun, exotic job title?

Along with the excitement of moving on has come a huge feeling of loss. I have hidden this pretty well - it is much easier and more fun to be excited about the next phase of your life. However, I love my life in Lubbock. I love the grocery store I frequently shop at and eat at...my landlord who has taken great care of me for two years...my mentor and friend Sally who's loving and vivacious spirit has blessed me for three years...my life coach and friend, Gabi, who's office and guidance I will greatly miss...my best friend and roommate with whom I live so well and have such a great system of just living together...my tres amigas group that lifts me up and makes me laugh on a regular basis...my ADPi babies who bring so much love and joy to my life. There are just so many people and places I have grown to love and expect to be a part of my daily life. It is not that I think the relationships are over - it is that I know they will now be different and we will need to figure out our connections within the changes.

But, with a garage full of all my packed belongings and an apartment in Midland awaiting my arrival, I will embrace the new places that will soon become my regular places, new friends to drink wine with, and a new routine to fall in love with. I will always love my peeps from Lubbock and will strive to maintain our love and trust within the friendships. That is a no-brainer - afterall, I am just not good with goodbyes. There were no goodbyes, only farewell until our next encounter.

And now, we are off to Scotland!! Ten days in Scotland to celebrate many things within our family. Think of this Marfa gal and her family as we travel trans-Atlantic to see our ancestoral homeland.

Marfa means...only 2.75 hours from Midland!!!

Jack & Diane's - a total dive.

Tonight I finally got to experience a bar/restaurant in town that has been on my mind for months. I hear commercials and reviews on Jack & Diane's all the time and have wanted to see this place for forever! So, tonight Missy, Lauren, and I decided to head that way for a cold beer as we head into weekend mode.

Even after driving through the prairies to get there, I knew I had found a good match for myself. This place is a total dive with a great vibe, lovely outdoor seating, open room, and good bands most nights of the week. The crowd was very sparse but, it is a weeknight after all. The bartender says they stay pretty full on weekends so I will have to make sure to try it one weekend when I'm back in town. Though I had already eaten, the food looked amazing and made me wish I was still hungry! Anyone searching for a relaxed and very local place to hang out, this is your place.

It's always good to try something new - especially when it's supporting the "locals" and different than other options.

all consuming fire.

In my beautiful oasis called West Texas, devastation has struck. Homes and livestock have been lost, men and women have spent four days straight fighting and risking their lives. Federal assistance and communities from all over have stepped up to help in disaster relief and man power. On Saturday, a huge and terrifying fire consumed over 100,000 acres of ranching land, 20 homes, and who even knows how many animals. It has been a long four days for the communities in the Far West Texas region after fighting to defend their land and lives from the flames which know no limit. The smoke alone caused highways to shut down and damage to individuals' health. Thanks to no rain for seven months and high wind speeds, the fire had easy access into the lives and memories of so many people.

As I began to learn about the travesty that was happening out west, I became obsessed with learning anything I could about the fires. Are all of my friends and family safe? What about their homes? Are the firefighters safe and getting the supplies they need? Where is the fire located now and what direction is it moving in? There were many questions followed by much angst and answered via Facebook and online news pages. I have been truly obsessed with gaining more information and more knowledge on the fires back home. Two nights led to little sleep and my days have been spent on my computer or phone to get the latest news. Whew - it's been rough! And if I have been like this, then I just cannot even imagine what it must be like to actually be THERE, actually see the damage and devastation for myself. It has consumed many of our minds and hearts for the last four days - and will continue to hold residence as the reconstruction of lives and communities goes forth.

Interesting that this fire has been so consuming. And yet, there is still a more alive and intense flame that ticks at the lives of people everwhere. It is the ALL consuming fire who gives us life, rather than taking it away. He gives us peace rather than onsetting fear and anxiety. He creates new life from the destruction of life - just as new life will come from the destruction of these west texas flames.

I have just been struck by such a justaposition (did I use that word right?? Sounded good - but who knows!) of the beauty and evidence of God's presence. Even in disaster, may His glory shine. Father, I pray for the hearts and spirits of those affected by the fires. I pray that you will bring them to You through this disaster. I pray that they will have renewed strength and will soar on wings like eagles. Carry them through Lord, carry them through.

I'm a big kid now.

Well, it's official: I am going to graduate from college...WITH a job! I had my third and final interview with said company on Wednesday and was offered the job following the interview. I accepted immediately. I wanted them, they wanted me - perfect match for a first job.

With this new job, I get to move to Midland. Other than the oil men and women out there, I think I am one of the only ones who ASKED to move to the Tall City. There are just so many positives about moving there that it only seems right. I have spent months pondering the aspects of a job and location that are important for me to have, the quality of life I expect from a company, the company culture that would be best for me...and this fit seems right. Very right. Midland lets me be only three hours from the place I NEED to be (Marfa, y'all)...let's me be near an airport and major interstate to connect me to all the people in my life (mom, dad, brother, sister, loves from life)...still has the small city vibe without being a CITY which overwhelms me these days...grandparents living in the same city...DRY heat...west texas spirit. The list goes on so I will spare you now. Just know, this is a good thing. Incredible to be graduating from college in this economy and spirit with a job in a stable company with direction and purpose to get me into management. Let's all put on our party pants and get excited. I sure am.

Ok, that pretty much sums up this week for me! Wednesday's interview loomed ahead at the first part of the week and this second part of the week was just exciting and fun and a feeling of relief. I have a job. My hard work has paid off. I got the job I WANTED in a location I WANTED. Things are good for me...great actually.

Love to those who stay tuned!

Marfa means...ONLY THREE HOUR DRIVE!!

bicycles.

After nearly four years as a college student, there was one thing that most students do that I had never done...before today. Though I learned how to ride a bike at a very young age, I haven't done it in YEARS. I outgrew my purple speed demon years ago and just never needed to bike. Wait, that's a lie - I did in Marfa a few times because my car was broken but other than that, it's been a while. Most students at least had a bike at one point or another in college but I have always just walked to class. I figured that in the time it took to get the bike ready to go, bike to your destination, and lock it up, I might as well just walk! But, now that gas prices continue to rise and it's GORGEOUS outside, I opted to attempt this popular mode of transportation.

Though I do not live far from campus, it is still a good 15 minute ride to where all of my classes are. Not bad - but more than a short walk from my parking spot to the classroom! Today it was a little brisk out with hopes to be a beautiful day (turns out, it is!) so it seemed to be a good trial run. If I didn't do well on such a beautiful morning, I definitely wouldn't with wind or heat or rain. The elements and I don't mix well.

Aside from riding into the wind and nearly getting creamed by a lovely BMW, I loved it! How peaceful to just cruise along the neighborhood I have called home for over two years now and just breathe the fresh air, hear the sounds of a Wednesday morning, say hello to the old man standing outside his house...it was great! I can't believe it took me this long to bust out the bike and save a little gas. Plus, burning a few extra calories AND seeing my leg muscles lookin so good while peddling doesn't hurt :)

Get a bike. Save some gas. Love life.

Marfa means...even when your car is busted, you can still easily get around. So nice!

Hold on to your seats!

How has this happened? How is it that a WHOLE MONTH has passed me by since I was last here spilling my heart and mind? Honestly, I knew it had been a little while but...a whole month?? Wild. Time REALLY does fly by.

In the last month, I have been very busy. Not bad, stressful busy at all - just lots of interviewing (always a good sign), meetings, traveling for interviews (also, good sign), and livin' it up for my last few, sweet, precious weeks as a college student. I was about to say as a Red Raider but, let's be real, that would be a lie. Once a Red Raider, always a Red Raider. I may not be the biggest sports fan or know all the trivia of my school. But, one thing I do know: I love Texas Tech. I love being apart of this community for the last four years. I love the Scarlet and Black, the Matador Song, going out on Broadway with all the others who enjoy a good marg, and just being in this town. I am getting sad to leave but have found that, while we must acknowledge and be aware of our feelings, we cannot dwell on the sad parts or the big change ahead. That just get too depressing and scary. Rather, I am excited for the freshness, to meet new people, to be a big kid, to have a new norm for a while.

In the coming weeks, I have some epic experiences. Here's a quick run-down of my life and the excitement that happens between now and the end of May...:

Marfa: 6 days. Girls trip. Me and my ladies, Lauren and Missy. Marfa - please, put on your safety belt. We are ready to dominate.
Orlando: 21 days. Family time. Harry Potter world. Basking in the sun - what more could a girl ask for?
Vegas: 25 days. Need I say more?

LJT Music Festival: 10 weeks. A weekend of good music and excellent company. Lucky me.
Graduation: 13 weeks. The sweet realization that a) I am done with school...b) I am "responsible and educated"...c) a job will require my full attention for at least 45 hours a week. Whoa. Bring it!
Scotland: 14 weeks. Family trip to see our "roots." A break from the heat of Texas Summers to bundle up, drink some quality whiskey, and see the world with my padres and hermanos.

Lucky me, right? I am very blessed to have so many fun and exciting events ahead. What's going on in your life to be excited about right now? Even if it's just a yummy bowl of ice cream or a weekend to be lazy, don't forget to look forward to life.

Marfa means...a place I can always come home to.

JUMP start.

One task in life I always dread but, at times, cannot escape: jump starting a car battery.

I know, I know - this only is further evidence of my tendency to be slightly ridiculous in certain moments of life. But come on - my whole life I have been warned that, if done wrong even just slightly, you and your car will BLOW up. I am okay with dying if that is my time but...I would rather it not happen by messing up a recharge and being blown to bits! But, alas, I bet the worst that would happen is some sparks and a shock...but that's reality and, in times of peril, we forget to stick to reality.

So, Missy and I held on to our fates and went for it. Her car hadn't been driven all week - we thought it was just cold and hibernating, thus it would not start. I guess her dad was right - it really was the battery, not the below zero temperatures. Needless to say, we survived the experience. Albeit, there was much drama and laughter and anxiety throughout the ten minutes it took to restart her car.

Wouldn't it be cool if life provided us with a Jump Start option? Just plug your brain or heart or body into an active source of energy and you'll be good to go? Thing is...though we might not be able to just plug in and recharge, we do have things that act as the source of energy. Some find immediate energy in a delicious mug o' joe, a brisk walk or jog, a good movie to calm the spirit. Those are great for the short term burst of energy necessary to finish the long day ahead. But, the real "recharge" experiences take time. It took me nearly a year to really and fully recharge from life's hits. Sometimes it takes many years. But, what is necessary in all cases, is a desire to combat the lag in energy or desire and to push through to find the source of energy...to let that source take over for a while so you can just be still and let yourself be refreshed. With Missy's car, it took a few minutes of letting my battery recharge her battery. With life, it often takes time, also, to really flood your mind and spirit with the strength to keep going.

Marfa means...an oasis of refreshment and strength.

Baby, It's COLD Outside.

It is currently 11 degrees...feels like negative 10 degrees.

That is VERY cold.

Especially when you consider the fact that there is 35 mph winds...

and the back door is frozen shut.

In other words: what a great excuse to NOT do anything productive, watch multiple movies, eat delicious food, and be lazy.

Note to self: do NOT buy firewood from 7-11...do NOT get excited about a cozy fire on the morning of a snow day...do NOT attempt to build said fire when the wind outside is blowing at 35 mph. If you do these things, the smoke from the firewood will get caught in the stream of wind coming from the chimney and will smoke out your house. Then, to rid your house and lungs of all the smoke, you will have to have the front door open...when it is -11 degrees outside. And, even though you WANT the fire to just go ahead and put everyone out of misery by dying out, the opened front door will only add to the oxygen in the house which will then feed the fire...so it will never end. You see the viscous cycle this is? Fire smokes up house...front door is opened due to suffocating smoke...fresh air, though it eats up the smoke, feeds the fire and freezes said fire-builder...door must be closed due to frigid temperatures and no more smoke and big cozy fire...smoke assumes suffocation mode.

So, moral of the story: don't get excited about a cozy fire on a lazy frigid day. It will never measure up to your expectations.

Stay warm and cozy!

Marfa means...t-minus 11 days for girls' weekend :)

seeing life with a clearer view.

Taken from my archives...originally composed sometime in the Fall of 2009:

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” (love this quote.)

Tears are the purest THING I can think of. It is in the truest moment of emotion that one sheds tears. They are the most tangible and visual representation of life’s most true and heart-felt moments. One could say that they are the tangible created by the heart. It is in the midst of tears that we shed our emotions for others, and for ourselves, to both taste and feel. Others see when our hearts have had a moment of too much – whether that is too much happiness to contain, too much fear to avoid, too much pain to pretend not to feel. It only takes a slight second of “too much” to trigger the tears and overflow of emotion.

When a person cries, they are exhibiting emotions in a visible manner. And though tears come from an inability to contain the strength of emotion, it is a strength to allow oneself to become vulnerable to themselves and those around them. It is not easy being so vulnerable. When you cry, everyone knows something is off, abnormal if you will. Maybe you are tearful at a wedding or a birth for the happiness and sweetness of the occasion. Maybe the tears come in the midst of heartbreak or a death. Perhaps, there is just so much stress and expectation in life that you cannot help but to let it all out – assume fetal position and let the tears loose. Either way, it is not easy or comfortable to know that you are showing or feeling so much emotion, or experiencing such a real, pure moment. We all know that tears make a person vulnerable to others because it shows that the one crying is actually feeling something. In a society where life is hectic and people prefer to pretend everything is okay, it’s odd to show that, in fact, something is not okay within yourself.

We are able to see the tears on someone else and to see them fall from our own faces. Little glistening balls of salt water that represents so much more than a body’s natural reaction to things or weakness. You see, we can only hold back the tears for so long, can only avoid the moment of emotions gushing and pouring out for so long. Thus, when the emotions finally become too much to hold it, the tears have crossed physiological reasoning and become something of the heart and soul.

We can taste the saltiness of the tears as they roll from our eyes over cheekbones and onto our lips. For centuries, salt has been used as a preservative to give a longer life and durability to a substance that our bodies need and crave. Likewise, the ability to show our most private emotions occurs by shedding tears – they act to preserve the heart from too much pain, too much happiness, too much fear. It has been said that a little table salt will help to remove stains and clean furnishings around the house. Just a little dash and magic happens. Salt can be used as a flavor enhancer in the culinary world. If something needs a little extra kick or just a dash of “something else”, add salt. It puts the acids to work, brings out the reality and purity of the flavors. Perhaps tears work the same way. By letting them freely fall, the stains of hurt and unknowns, the burdens of holding in so much happiness or sadness, will be lifted from our hearts and minds. By letting them fall freely, the flavor of FEELING will kick into action. We can experience and really know the thoughts and power of our hearts when just a few tears are able to enhance and develop those emotions.

I love the feeling of a good cry. All sorts of emotions and thoughts and feelings are brought to mind and heart as the tears rise up and pour out – feelings and thoughts come about that I never even suspected where there. It’s as if the tears are the release – the tangible that man seems to rely on – that is necessary for me to truly know and feel my own emotions. My tears let me see what I am feeling as they fall onto my hands. They let me feel the touch of happiness or sadness or extreme emotion as they roll down my face. They let me taste the flavors of the experiences of life as my hurts, happiness, and fears move from the inside out.

glorious.

Yesterday in Lubbock it was 75 degrees with a light breeze.

Yesterday in Lubbock I was in my swimsuit, basking in the sun, in my backyard.

Good thing I have a high enough fence because the public might have been a) blinded by my pasty-ness and b) though I had on both halves of my bikini, one might consider me nearly topless...I just wanted to be tan all over! I did get a nice red tint...some said I was sunburned but I know my tan self better than they. Ha - I said. I knew today the red would be gone and I would be, finally, a slightly darker toned self than this time yesterday. On Friday, I went to class dressed for the 30 degrees that it was when I left...I promptly stripped down to my bra and some borrowed shorts at a friends house. I could not pass up the 73 degree sunshine and my clothes at my house were just too far away to waste time on silly things like a swimsuit when, let's be honest, a bra is not much different...just prettier due to the lace I am accustomed to.

Tuesday's weather calls for snow...how can I get a slight sun-burn one day and then three days later be expecting snow?! My emotions and psyci (spelling??) are being teased!

Yesterday, due to the fabulous weather and little responsibility I currently have, was titled "Summer Day" by some friends and I. We iced down some beer, grilled hamburgers and hot dogs, made and ate delicious dips with crunchy chips, and sat around all afternoon in the warm sun. It was a perfect day - really, perfection was accomplished. I was surrounded by some old friends, some new friends, and people that are just mutual friends. It was a healthy mixture that brought fresh conversation and new experiences. It's always good for us to surround ourselves with new people to liven things up a bit.

Ok, church time. Enjoy your Sunday and...just get excited because January is NEARLY over. Which means, this month is over...phew. Plus, we are that much closer to warm, sunny days EVERY day. love that.

Marfa means...a fun girls' weekend in less than two weeks!!!

1.25.11

Well, the 25th of January is here. I have been dreading this day for a year now...and at the same time have just been ready to get it over with. It's another day to miss John but have it only be accentuated. Let's just say, last night was a giant throwback to 1.24.10 and the dread, anxiety, sorrow, and loss that I felt the night before, and the weeks following, his death.

Since today is a big day and requires that I keep my mind, body and heart distracted so I am not a wallowing mess, I am taking extra (and slightly detrimental to my credit card statement...) precautions to not be said mess. Here's how today has gone, and will go, down...:

- Had a good workout. I was reading through my letters to John written after he died and I talked to him about the distance I made during runs. I have slacked a lot since then and want to get my mileage back to what it once was...today was a good, strong start towards that.

- Yummy, warm and delicious bagel and coffee at Einsteins. I took my computer, did a bit of school work, and just enjoyed being in a cozy environment. It kept me distracted...

- Bought some new hair products (I LOVE hair products, just FYI) and a portfolio for interviews. If I'm gonna snag that awesome job, I gotta have a snazzy, red leather folder for my resume and references...and super sexy hair :) that's always a must.

- Made delicious new recipe for my roomie and I. Good food is always a good fix.

- Am skipping my freshman level political science to see the new romantic comedy, "No Strings Attached", with said roomie. Again, I have a legit excuse to skip class today...right?

- Have plans to have a cold beer and enjoy some live music after my night class. Again, good company and a good beer makes things better.

Okay, hope you are all having a good day. Just think - January is, finally, almost over. Good thing.

Marfa means...something to look forward to after too long in Lubbock :)

a year of blessings.

On Tuesday the 25th, a year of life without John will have passed. It was on a Monday morning in 2010 that he pressed on towards the goal and finally reached it.

In a year, a lot has happened. I guess that's true for anyone - 365 days offers plenty of time for more than one success, heartbreak, failure, and new experiences. For me, the 365 days between January 25, 2010 and January 25, 2011 represent spiraling out of control, finding a professional to help me right my life and figure out who I am without John, dealing with the absence of my best friend, dealing with a new relationship that began very abruptly and then ended as quickly as it began, and beginning to look towards my next phase of life...post-graduation. All of the experiences and emotions that hit me this past year have been some sort of blessing - even though I couldn't see it at the time. Gabby, my soul-mate counselor, has challenged me to see my life from the days leading up to John's death through now using a bird's eyeview of the situations. She has challenged me to look at what occurred and who was a part of each experience to really understand God's hand in blessing me through the whole process. I guess I am here today to share with the world wide web a few of these blessing...if I have learned anything, I know that it is important to verbalize and share where you are in life. That's the only way to fully understand and process this crazy life.

Last January, there were many people who popped into life just in time to help heal and protect my aching heart. I had people at school who did not understand or know much of the situation with John but they knew me and knew that I needed space while also needing their love, support, and normalcy from them. There was a new friend who, though the situation was very different, also had to deal through life and figuring out how to live without a special person in his life. He and I would spend hours just watching tv, eating ice cream (a favorite hobby of mine...), and taking turns talking through our personal experiences. I believe that this relationship was vital in my sanity - he offered a way to talk through what I was dealing with emotionally and spiritually while also sharing about himself - kept me from being selfish with time and other's emotions. I had friends who contacted me that I rarely speak to, people send messages that I have never met, and family members shelter me in ways I have never experienced. Love oozed out of the wood work and took over my life - I might have felt lonely and lost but I was never alone. There was always someone checking up on me - even if it wasn't obvious.

Last spring, I went through a wild time. I sometimes call it "hitting my rock bottom" and I hope that last spring is the lowest I will ever go. However, my rock bottom was very mild in comparison to most of the world's experiences. I went out a lot and determined the success of my nights out by the attention and flattery I received from people at the bars. I went from having a best friend who was in constant contact and communication with me to not having that relationship at all and dealt with it by seeking attention from others. It wasn't until one morning after a particularly "fun" night out that I was struck with this personality shift that was occurring in my life. I was negative without realizing it, basing my self-worth on who paid attention to me the night before, and letting the expectations I had for myself slip dramatically. This realization very much shook me and lead me to Gabby - I knew I needed help coping with losing John and moving on from that. I needed serious help acknowledging and dealing with grief's sneakier and more subtle personas. I needed a third-party to hear my story, see my hurt, and help me get things back on track.

I guess that whole experience was a blessing. I was able to see what life is like when I do not hold myself to higher standards, to taste a worldly lifestyle and find out I don't care for it, to see the shift in myself and make an effort to change that. My low moments were the reason I sought help, were the physical proof that inside I was damaged and needing repair. How wonderful it is to be out of that experience and be able to see it as physical proof that I was broken...and to see where I have come since then. With a lot of tears and prayer and confusion, I have finally gotten past the brokeness. I can say that I am emotionally healthy and have a much clearer and happier view of myself...and how I fit into the world as Abby and not because of someone else. The downward spiral lead to great things in the end. Thank you for that experience and the process of healing afterwards - I know now so much about myself, life, grief, and dealing with the cards dealt to you.

I had this "boyfriend" for a few months. Some might say he was a sub-conscious distraction from the pain and absence of John's death. Some might say he was just a phase. I disagree with all of that. I learned a lot about relationships - what I want and need from them, how to compromise without compromising yourself, the ups and downs of big-kid relationships - from the last six months. Even though it didn't work out for us, I wouldn't blot that time out of my life. It's important to date people and get to know people - that's how we learn about ourselves and what we ultimately need in life. He was a great blessing in my life. I knew that all along but, now as I am taking time to look at the year in a whole, I see that he came into my life at the right time. I had an openness and willingness to be close to someone again. He listened to my stories about John and the heartache that comes with that. I listened to his stories, heartaches, and successes. It was just what I needed in so many ways. Though it's disappointing that it is over, it would have ended eventually. I am just grateful that I had that experience and that relationship in my life. Thank you for that.

My little brother has also been a huge blessing for me. I know that my whole family has loved me unconditionally this past year (and my whole life...) and dealt with my emotional expressions even when it was not easy. But, it was my brother that really touched me. I don't think this awareness hit me until this morning when I was talking through different blessings with God. I started praying for Zac and was hit with incredible love and gratefulness for his presence last year. He constantly checked up on me, and still does, to ask how I'm doing - how I'm REALLY doing - and to be there for me. Zac loved John and looked up to him so much. He admired John's constant relationship with God, his love for life, his easy laughter and huge heart. I know Zac misses him too but he pushes that aside to make sure I am okay and pushing on. Zac encourages me to be better than the emotional person I want to be. I have a great need and desire to be good and pure and healthy for the sake of my little brother. Zac stood with me, and others, in John's hospital room when he passed away. He, mom, and I held each other as we let John go, both physically and in our hearts, and watched John's family do the same. Talk about a life changing experience.

Another strange blessing was my ridiculously difficult and challenging class schedule the semester John died. Twenty-one hours of classes with four being an online nutrition class and an officer position in ADPi that required much time and attention drove me crazy...and also helped me survive. I knew I had to finish the semester whether it was with good grades or poor grades. I knew that my pledges in ADPi relied on me being aware and present for them. I knew that constant focus on school and sorority was the only way to not fall into the depths of grief that I felt grabbing at me. The craziness kept me sane - if that's possible.

As always, Marfa was a much needed time of refreshment, recovery and escape from reality. My theme this summer became "refresh" - I went into the summer with the hope, and need, to revitalize my heart and life. I needed the freshness of summer sun, a cool drink on the patio of the Hotel Paisano, seeing my Marfa family and being hugged by all of them. Some in Marfa knew I had lost a close friend but, for the most part, it was a normal summertime for all of us. I needed to get away from the constraints of school and sorority life, to not have huge responsibility resting on my shoulder, to be in the west Texas aromas that John and I always loved. Those three months allowed me to transition from struck with grief to moving past the grief and combating life as it comes my way.

Anyways, that's part of my blessed life. I really have lucked out and, unfortunately, it took this long to really be aware of all the blessings that have come my way. It really is important to sit back and take a more "overall" view of life - sometimes you find things you missed the first time.

Marfa means...refreshment and life.