Navigating the Wilderness #2

Have you ever seen the movie Blue Crush? The one about three friends and sisters, doing life on their own with little money and no adult figure to help guide them, that LOVE surfing? Well, at the end of the movie, the main girl gets the opportunity to compete in her dream competition - the biggest surfing challenge around. She is encouraged by her friends to enter and participate despite the terrors of her last competition - one where she nearly died by the waves. After overcoming her fear and embarking on her chance to win this challenge, she is drug under by the huge, torrential waves which she was supposed to be surfing on. Awesome. Her biggest nightmare is happening again. And yet, right at the last moment before total suffocation and despair, she gets the energy and will-power to conquer the waves, return to oxygen, and finish the competition. She ends up winning the event making her the most sought after female surfer. That's pretty intense.

Just like that movie shows one girl beating the odds and conquering the waves, we too must conquer the storms of life. Yes, we have seasons of life. But, sometimes those seasons turn into storms - it all just seems to pour down on you, infiltrating every nook and cranny of peace, light, and hope. The disciples experienced one of these storms during their time with Jesus. You know the story - they were in the boat, a storm came, they grew fearful and lost faith that the Lord would bring them through the downpour and huge waves, and then were saved by His Power in the end. This also correlates with when Peter walked on the water towards Jesus, full of faith and confidence, until he lost total focus on the Prize and began to sink. He too was saved by the Lord.

In both of these New Testament stories, we see events where the storm of life was great, and very real. The dangers and fears of the moment are tangible even for readers today. We understand the hopelessness of feeling like we are being drowned by life. Aren't we supposed to feel vivacious and energetic, after all, in LIFE? Well, yes, but sometimes we are brought to the wilderness because we need a change of heart, expectations, and settings - just as the Israelites needed to get out of Egypt. Sometimes, God allows us to enter a time of unknowns, unchartered territory, and emptiness so that we will learn to call on him, learn to depend on the mercy and light of our Father in order to get through each moment of life.

The key part of that last sentence is to CALL ON HIM. The disciples had to do it when they frantically woke up their Lord saying “Lord! Save us! We are going to drown!” (Matthew 8: 25). Peter also had to cry out for the Lord, “Lord, save me!”, after taking his focus off of Jesus for a moment. Moses also cried out to the Lord and suddenly his people had fresh drinking water – a relief from the bitter water they had found in the wilderness. It is natural for us to NEED God, that is why we are here, afterall! But, the Lord will wait for us to cry out for him, wait for us to acknowledge that we need his mercy and miraculous ways. It is in the eye of the storm, the heart of the despair, that we most see our need for His Hand and Heart to guide us, and to ultimately save us from our own destruction.

I have started a daily “cry out” to God. Maybe it is asking for a way to serve my roommate or those around me. Maybe it is asking for clarity in how I think and process through my daily emotions of peace and anxiety, comfort and loneliness, anticipation and anxiety. How will you cry out to the Lord today?

Marfa means…an oasis in my wilderness.

Navigating the Wilderness #1

In Priscilla Shirer’s book One in a Million: Journey to Your Promised Land, the experiences brought from life’s wildernesses, and how we respond to such events, is examined. Mrs. Shirer uses the example of the Israelites’ escape from the confines of Egyptian rule and their search for the Promised Land to help women, and men, today understand the seasons and storms of life. Out of the two million Israelites that left slavery in expectation of flowing milk and honey, only two actually arrived at this utmost goal. Thus, we have One in a Million – a challenge to become the minority, the few, who persevere through the wilderness of life and maintain their “eyes on the prize.” Readers are challenged to see through the storms life brings and seek the final destination where the sweetness and unique experience of knowing who God lies.

My life is a wilderness right now. No, I am not in financial constraint or dealing with a broken marriage or personally ill. To the outsider, I am a normal senior in college who is merely looking forward (with great anticipation, might I add) to that day in May when I walk across the stage and say goodbye to the world of academia and hello to commerce…or wherever I end up. But, on the inside, there is so much going on. I am dealing with the final quarter of a year that involved my best friend getting diagnosed with aggressive Lymphoma and dying all within four months. I am dealing with the anxiety that searching for a job in today’s economy brings any individual – but especially one who, despite a pretty nice GPA, has little experience in her desired field. I am experiencing an absence from John no longer being in my life, my good friends graduating this December, a desire but confusion to find that “perfect” first job, a failed relationship with a guy I really liked and saw a future with, figuring out who I am on my own… WOW, that is a wilderness for sure. There are so many emotions and displaced feelings right now for me. Those around me do not seem to know or really understand how I feel inside my heart and mind. For most of my friends, graduation is a long way off, not something to look forward to, and a moment of huge transition from fun to adulthood. I see May 14^th as the beginning to a new season in life. It represents the end of my experience at school, which has grown to represent the last year and dealing with grief more than anything. It represents an opportunity to stop being a professional student and start making real money, supporting myself, dealing with the world in a more realistic and grown up manner. There will be fewer boundaries, more structure, and more purpose.

Up until recently, I have view this 2010-2011 school year to be a waiting period for me – a holding pen until I am released into the freshness of life post-college. I have been wondering how I will last 9 more months, and now 6 more months, until I can leave these last 13 months behind me and start new. Thank goodness I have a wise and understanding therapist to help me see life differently than that! After seven months of weekly sessions, Gabby and I have been able to connect and trust each other to be honest, open, and real during our conversations. I trust Gabby’s opinions and advice more than anyone right now because she has helped to guide me through the darkest points of my life, and has helped me to see the light. She cries with me and shares of her own experiences when they pertain to my own. She is honest and bold about how I see situations – sometimes it is easy to hear, other times not so much. But, one thing she has been persistently reminding me of is this: Find out why God has put you here for this school year, why you are in this wilderness. Do not let this season of life pass you by – do not miss the opportunity to explore God’s will and personality, to acknowledge his divine plan in your life, or to touch others because of your storm. One in a Million has brought so many of these answers to my attention. Between Gabby and Mrs. Shirer, I can see myself growing in my faith and how I see the world. Life is not easy. It is not a “walk in the park” all the times. Yes, there are the times when we are floating on cloud nine (is that the right saying??), when things seem to be wonderful and perfection is unstoppable. And, yet, it is in these moments that reality likes to bite us the most. It is in the sweetness that we are brought back to our senses and must struggle through the thorns and drought and anxiety that the wilderness brings in order to better see, know, and understand how sweet life really is. This understanding only comes because we know and acknowledge the power, the might, the deep love of our Father whose hand and voice will always be our guide through the wilderness and to the Promised Land…we just have to cry out for his aide and be obedient.

If only that was as easy as it sounds…

Marfa means…a break from the wilderness and a taste of the milk and honey of the Promised Land.

a few obsessions.

Well, my life here in the Hubcity these days has been less than busy, exciting, or frantic. I have gone from the over-active, never free, stressful, and emotionally wearing semester of last Spring to this Fall semester: boring classes that matter as much to me as Avatar or Star Trek, an unchallenged mind that is becoming more and more sluggish, and very little drive due to my unchallenging academic life. What a change in my life! Marfa this summer was a wonderful fantasy that I now look back upon - dreaming of my nights on the ranch of a handsome cowboy, my job that PAID me in both money and joy, and a life where a slow pace is in fact the way of being...not just due to having NOTHING to do. What a nice day dream I have when I think of my summer days...

But, as I have lounged out my last three months in Lubbock anticipating my final semester as a college student, I have found a few new obsessions. These are things that I cannot seem to get enough of and...well, it's becoming a problem:

- Individually wrapped, frozen tilapia. Rachel and I make these on a regular basis and, not only are they easy and quick, but they are so versatile!

- SALTINE CRACKERS. If you have yet to appreciate this classic crunch, you need to revert to your grandmother's pantry. They are salty and crispy, soften in your mouth, taste good with so many things (peanut butter, cheese, a side dish for a smoothie, etc), and are only about 60 calories for ten! I am obsessed and go through a packet very quickly. They are great for a quick "salty fix" or a road trip snack. Just don't forget to enjoy and appreciate the awesomeness of them.

- Eminem's "Like the Way You Lie" - I know, I know - it's over played and worn out. But the vocals and mood and...sigh, it's just great.

- Fresh Jalapenos. Ross' dad taught me to appreciate a fresh jalapeno with your meal. Rosa's serves them in the salsa bar. Just can't seem to get enough of them!

- Bobby pins - this is nothing new for me but they offer so many ways of doing one's hair. Also, they can hold belts together, double as a ponytail holder, and fit easily into one's wallet for a quick fix.

- Trying new wine. I love wine. It goes beyond the drink though - it's an experience thing. Talking about the flavors and texture, pairing with different foods, deciding if I even like said bottle of vino - it all makes the experience that much better.

- Two new blogs:

a) pioneerwoman.com - check this out NOW. Even if you aren't a cooking regular, she will present recipes in a simple, well-photographed manner that will make ANYONE, foodie or no, ready to dust off the pans, crank up the stove, and get to work. Her blog on life as a Canadian ranch wife/mom is fabulous, her photos make you feel the need to invest in a $1200 camera, and her recipes...well, they will change the way you think and dialogue about food. Just trust me on this one...go.

b) Hyperbole and a Half - wow. John's sister, Lindy, directed me to this blog and it is as if my missed boy was blogging to us from Heaven. The author's words, method of expressing feelings, overly dramatic descriptions...it all points to something that John would not just appreciate but truly love. I can see him, unable to breathe, and slapping his knees in laughter so real and so heart-filled that everyone else can't help but laugh...even if they don't know what is so funny. Please. go read this blog. Start from day one and do not stop until you have finished. By reading this blog and knowing that it is SO like the man I miss oh so very much, you might understand the life and laughter of John Means.

These are just a few things that my slow-paced life and lack of drive have brought to me. Granted, food is always an obsession - it's just a matter of what kind at any given moment.

I hope my readers (are you out there? do I have readers??) are enjoying autumn as it creeps up on us. I love this time of year - crisp weather, fuzzy scarves, wood fireplaces, steamy cocoa and hearty stews. I hope you are enjoying it too!

Marfa is...on my horizon!! I go back in less than two weeks for a full week of Thanksgiving and family time!

my last two months.

Um, my blogging behavior, or lack-there-of, has been unacceptable and inappropriate lately. I just noticed that it has been TWO MONTHS to the day since my last entry. And oh so much has happened in two months. I must confess that I was only made aware of my blogging hiatus thanks to a girlfriend of mine. Way to have my back, Kenz.

Let's see where my life has come and gone in the last two months. How about I list a few of the tops so that you get a good overview:

- I dated someone in this time. No bitter feelings but it is no longer "on." We are just at different places, wanting different things right now. But still, he was sweet and showed me a lot about relationships, what I want and don't want, what I NEED, and how to care about someone.

- Campmeeting happened. I have dreaded this moment since January 25th but really since this time last year. A year ago EXACTLY, John was in the hospital being diagnosed with aggressive lymphoma. Every since that happened, I knew my life would never be the same. Since Campmeeting was such a huge part of our relationship and my own life, I did not know what to expect or hope for from that long-awaited week in August. Turns out, even with the scary and emotional moments, it was still precious and much needed. Granted, my campmeeting experience will never be the same (nor would I really want it to), I will forever look forward to that week in God's country amidst the love and loyalty of my friends and family.

- I had my last ADPi recruitment, got a new group of Alphas (our name for our pledges) whom I get to take care of until they get initiated, and I started my last fall semester as a college student. EEk! So much has been going on in the LBK for me since I returned mid-August. Trying to balance a long-distant relationship, my studies (baha), all of my Alphas and their needs, as well as spend SOME time with my lovely roomie/BFF and in our awesome home has proven to be no easy task. But, I think I have gotten the balance down and am learning to just ignore my phone calls or facebook sometimes - a girl's gotta have some peace and quiet every now and then! I am ready to embrace this last year and GET OUTTA HERE! Don't get me wrong - I will miss and forever cherish Lubbock, Texas Tech, my sorority, and the life I have here. But, I am ready to say farewell to college life and studying and become a big kid. I am sure I will wish to eat these words this time next year, but alas, it is how I feel now.

- I have totally and completely lost any pre-summer tan I gained during finals week of Spring 2010 semester. I spent countless hours "studying"...and by that I DO mean laying around the pool with notes in one hand, a beverage in the other. By the beginning of my time in Marfa, I was easily mistaken for one from the bordering country to our great nation or perhaps an indigenous tribe elsewhere. No tan lines, summer glow, naturally bronzed - what more could a girl want? Well, then I started a job that was indoors in a town that has no outdoor swimming pool and with no one brave enough to lay out in my backyard with me. I quickly returned to the paleish version of myself that I am now. What a sad moment it was when I realized that, in fact, my skin tone will not change between now and December :(

- Even though my Marfalous SUMMER ended weeks ago, I kept my Marfalous life going with regular checkins to my favorite mountain range. I spent Labor Day weekend with said boy in Ft. Davis (Marfa's neighboring town) cooking, watching movies, drinking wine, dining with his parents, and just RELAXING - something my crazy Lubbock life rarely allows for. The next weekend meant back to Marfa for Abby - how great to have two west Texas weekends in a row! This time I partied the weekend away with my family and good family friends from West Texas. Lizzie, unofficial family to me, wed her oh-so-nice Cajun fiance and used the entire weekend for the celebration. Lots of booze, plates and plates of delicious food, skeet shooting and dancing made this weekend something to remember for many MANY years to come. Lizzie definitely upped the standard for all of the remaining weddings in that social grouping.

Well, that more or less summarizes my past few months. So sorry to keep you all hanging. But, rest assured, my Marfalous life remains, well...Marfalous, even while I am absent from my favorite little town. Thank God for that.


Marfa means...a place I can always come home to.

not QUITE speechless.

While I was meandering about Lubbock, a great blog subject came to mind. I was having a conversation with someone about something that was just BEGGING to be blogged over. I could feel my written words forming in my mind as we continued to discuss whatever it is. Now, here I sit able to write and able to explore such things and, yet, I have no idea what it was. Bummer.

But, here I am with keyboard in hand and ready to type up a storm. What to discuss?

This weekend I embark on yet another mini-vaca. This summer seems to have been filled with weekends away - all for good, fun reasons but I just wanna stay here for once! I head to the DFW area on Friday for Clay's wedding. Clay and I have been close friends for years and he was always the big brother I never got to have. Over the years, we had our highs and lows and have recently drifted apart again. But, we have shared in many huge, life changing experiences together and will always be connected by those things. I have yet to meet the bride but have only heard good things - I am excited to see them become man and wife under the audience God and the people who love them dearly. I wish John would be there with me - we were so excited about Clay's upcoming nuptials and I just don't feel right not having him there. Yes, he will "be there in spirit" but I will now be selfish and say...I want him with ME.

What are your upcoming weekend plans? We are now on the downhill towards the end of summer...how will you utilize your weekend?


Marfa means...new relationships, new people, and new things to look forward to :)

welcome home.

After much frustration and anxiety, 5 trips from one house to the next, lots of sweat, and even more laughs, Rachel and I are in the new house! It was a dramatic situation having to even move in the first place as we had been under the impression from early January until May that we would stay in the old house. In case last semester wasn't dramatic and crazy enough, life decided to make us find a new place to live, pack up, and move out. It was DEFINITELY not ideal but the end result made everything worth it. Rachel and I now have a home to ourselves, not shared by an old roommate with whom relations were not the best. We have OUR colors of paint on the wall, OUR furniture set up just how WE envisioned it, and OUR year of living together to look forward to. Yes, leaving Marfa for a weekend and having to pack up and then just unpack and reset up house was inconvenient and thoroughly annoying. But, and it is the but that matters now, I am so pleased with the house and the experience of anticipating and then moving in together that it does not really matter what we had to go through...does it?

Rachel and I started out our college years and our relationship together as roommates in the tiny cubicle Tech calls a dorm room. We used one tiny room as a bathroom area, kitchen, living space, bedroom, closet, and storage. Nine months together in that situation and we STILL are bff's was a good sign to us both that, yes, we should spend our final year at Tech together once again. I have my lover (not really you sickos!) just a stone's throw away - I love that :) Last night as we finally settled down to watch our first movie in our completely set up house, we started laughing as we realized that, already, each of us had chosen "our spots" in the living room. We each contributed a couch and cover for this comfy piece of furniture to the living room. We each found ourselves sprawled out on our own couch last night - I guess we have marked our territory?

I love that we both have such distinctive and unique styles. Just peer through our doorways into the bedrooms we chose - each of us wanted different rooms...thank goodness! Her's has a french, romantic, and yet modern feel to it. Mine is anthropologie on a budget. They are so completely different and yet work together - just like our halves of the dorm room way back when. I love my bestie and, after her long time away in France, a year together will be much needed and appreciated.


Marfa means...my new cozy house with my bestie and forever roommate. Stop on by and we'll have a cold beer on the patio...I have some awesome retro chairs :)

aim and fire.

Turns out...I'm a decent shot! Probably it was semi-beginner's luck as I have in fact shot a few times in my life but haven't since January. Probably I am voiding any talent I might have had now that I have uttered the words that I am a good shot - always happens that when you brag about something, it doesn't work out. Anyways, I spent Monday evening at my friend's ranch. We drove around the ranch with our weapons of little destruction in hand and attempted to "shot stuff." Well, after waiting and calling for coyotes for a good while, we gave up, said to hell with that, and started shooting random targets! Way less pressure than waiting for said "prairie wolf" to arrive and then be overpowered by the humanfolk hunting him out. After a few attempts at closer, larger natural targets, I was given the challenge to hit a sotol (thin plant that has a single stalk) about 60 yards away. Needless to say, I nailed it - first try. A natural Annie Oakley I'd think! Or maybe not...

I leave today for a weekend in Lubbock. I MISS that place. I am so excited and antsy about seeing my peeps that are holding down the fort in the great Hub City of Texas. Among other things, the main excuse for this mini-vaca is to move from one house to the next. I am not excited about having to move and set up yet another humble abode, but it is with my bff for life and a wonderful house. This month, already in it's newness, seems to be a month of new beginnings and fresh experiences. Refresh has been the theme of my summer and I am beginning to feel and experience the full meaning of such a word.

refresh:to give new vigor or spirit to...to give new freshness or brightness to...RESTORE.


Marfa means...my place of restoration.

vida en el blog!

This blog needs a little life in it! Today, while I man the front desk solo, I thought I would put up a few pictures of the last 6.5 weeks in Marfa. I have a terrible habit when I'm in Marfa where I don't take pictures! So, these are the FEW I have taken but all mark moments and experiences that have made my life Marfalous so far. Enjoy!

The newest members in the Hotel Paisano family! We got our little fishies for the courtyard fountain - not just easy on the eyes as they are excellent moss eaters. In my excitement for our new pets, I instantly expressed the need to name the fish - it is unloving to not name a family member. All were named off of the five of us who watched the inaugaral swim around the fountain. The large orange fish: Boss Lady after Vicki Barge, the hotel manager. Spotted fish: The Intern - in memory of myself as we are both the outsiders making our name and presence in the little community Marfa provides. The tiniest fish: Harvey - Manny the Maintance Man chose this name. The twin fish: one with more white on front fins = Machuka after Maria Machuka, a fellow front desk worker; with less white = Luigi, named by Mario the head Maintenance Man.

Remember my car getting busted a few weeks back?? Well, here is Lola propped up on the baby boulder that decided to prop itself underneath my baby! This is taken from the passenger side - the driver's side was elevated a few feet off the ground to where I had to hop OUT of the driver's seat! Six hundred dollars and a brand new oil pan later, all is well in the life of Lola.

Check out the double rainbow! This is taken on Texas Street (the street I live on) looking East towards Alpine. I just love how a good rain refreshens everything and gives immediate life!

A view from my porch. The porch faces directly South and this is more or less directly South from the house.

Marfa means...thunder and rain splattering on the patio while I sit and enjoy the sounds of West Texas rain.

things I have tried lately...

Here are a few of my most recent experiences:

- baby plums picked right from the tree...a lady brought my cousin some at the bank today and I was lucky enough to receive some as well! She was driving to town, saw a tree of baby plums, and picked enough for the bank staff! (p.s. prunes are made out of plumes...and what do prunes do?? eek!)

- I now know how to properly paint a porch - I just spent two days working on my own! The front porch is currently drying and looks fresh, inviting, and ready to be sat on. Can't wait to move back to my porch perch!

- Trimming hedges with large clippers takes more attention and precision than I thought. Next time I will NOT just clip randomly and will utilize some system or at least thought in the matter...

- Peanut butter and saltines really is one of my favorite snacks. Oh, and twizzlers :)

- Having a working washer and dryer is a luxury...and one that I hope to keep having! We finally got our BRAND NEW washer fixed after waiting two weeks (getting repair men out to Marfa just isn't that easy...) so I only have to walk to the back shed to wash - not the laundromat!

- I want to go to Chicago to see my dear friend, Megan...very much so.

- I also want to go to NYC for a fun, cheap trip to visit my old crush, Trevor. We are now just good friends and I wanna experience his big kid life out there!

- Facing difficult moments head on and admitting to mistakes is so much easier, less painful, and softer on the heart than dragging them out or avoiding the moment of truth. Just do it.

- And finally, with Jesus on your side, ALL things really are possible. A little faith goes a long way.


Love you all!

Marfa means...sweet plums straight from the tree :)

wrapped in love.

I spent the last four days with my family in New Braunfels at the BEST waterpark in all the land: Schlitterbahn. If you have yet to experience this wonderful place, you must go. Do it right, like the Cobbs: stay at least one night in the hotel conveniently located IN the park, get a room with a kitchen so you do not have to eat park food all the time, bring people you love to have a good time with. My parents were named Schlitterqueen and Schlitterking by my brother's girlfriend - very appropriate.

Anyways, I had all this time with my family, my good friend Hillary, and then a night in Dallas to see my childhood friend get married. It was a great opportunity to reconnect with my good friends from high school and catch up - once you leave the nest, it's just not the same. I gave and received many hugs throughout my mini-vaca. Some people knew about the loss of John and I felt it in their hugs. Others have no idea that my life has changed so dramatically in the last year and hugged me out of simple excitement to see me again. As I drove home today, I had plenty of time to think back on the relationships I rekindled and the love I have in my life.

One thing I know for certain, hugs (to me) are more intimate and personal than a kiss. Now now, a kiss is the outward sign of affection, physical desire to depict your love or attraction, one step closer to the ultimate closeness with another. I get it - I have kissed a few frogs in my life to understand the excitement and need to portray the attraction in some way other than words. I get it. But here's something I understand even more: a hug is the connection of two hearts. Whether these two hearts are of lovers, parent and child, long-lost friends, or two people needing to be held, there is a connection of hearts. A hug is the closest our hearts can physically get to each other - we embrace the other at their chest and feel the beat beat beat of their blood and body. Hugging is the physical outreach to show, and somehow satisfy, great emotional, relational, and personal needs.

I hug to greet. I hug to say farewell for a time. I hug to make someone know that I am there - I wrap my arms around the one in need and let them know in the most physical way I can, that I am here and you may cling to me if you want. It has been said that I am an expert hugger. I don't want to brag but...I do give good hugs. I love that moment of enclosing my dear ones in my arms, bringing them to my (ample...) bosom, and physically embodying my need to help them as much as I can. My height allows me to really really embrace the shorter ones in my life. I get to be the mother hen who arms are readily available for a good hug. I love this role.

However, I realized today, that most of my hugging is for other people. I love that moment of wrapping someone in my love so much but I rarely am hugged for my own cause. I thought of this on my drive back to Marfa. When was the last time I was HUGGED, the last time someone embraced me because they saw the need, felt the need, and wanted to cure the need? I was hit with a great desire and almost physical need for someone to come to me, wrap me in their arms, and let me feel that great protection, that great wall of peace. There is a difference between that intial greeting hug or a final farewell hug and the outward expression of feeling and empathizing with another person. I crave to have one of these hugs. Who will be the lucky bearer?

Here are a few of my most favorite, most needed, and most memorable moments of being wrapped in love:

- Clay Jackson - my "big brother figure", a friend from life, the 3rd member of my imaginary trifecta (John, Abby, Clay). When I finally arrived at the hospital the night before John passed away, it was Clay who I needed to be with. His strenth, both of stature and of character, made me feel a little bit better at my most trying moment in life. I did not get to see him for a while after arriving but, when I finally did, it seemed as if everyone cleared the floor to let me get to him. I frantically threw my arms around his neck and he just held me. That's all I needed at that moment. He is a dear friend of John's, a special friend of mine, and was the one I wanted most for comfort. I remember stating that I was shaking and he agreed - that was when I realized that not only was he hugging me, he was literally holding me up, supporting me from my own fear and dred of what was to come. This went beyond reaching out. He held me up and away from the physical deterioration of my heartbreak.

- Rachel Hicks - my best friend and roommate. Rachel spent a semester in France from January through May. This means she was gone when John passed away. The three of us made a great team - what a lucky girl I have been to have my two best friends in the world also be good friends and love to be together. I had it made. Anyways, I got the lovely priviledge of picking up our European traveler at the DFW airport, kept her with me for a night, and then (reluctantly) let her head back to her family in New Mexico. Her flight was on time but between baggage claim and customs, it took FOREVER to finally embrace her. I waited nearly two hours all by my lonesome self in the international arrivals area for my best friend to return to me. Many emotions went through my head during that wait making the moment of arrival that much more emotional. I saw her walking down the cleared area for the arrivers, waited for her to spot me, and then hurredly embraced my love. That moment...well, I couldn't, nor did I want to, let go. It was six months of waiting, six months of needing my best friend, six months of real life having hit us in the face clinging to each other. I will never forget that moment of pure need for each other. Talk about connecting hearts - we were finally back together again.

- John Means - best friend, soul mate, deeply missed and loved by many. We had more memorable hugs, or body slams as we liked to call them, than I can really recount. It is less of an actual moment than it is an understanding and love for our moments of reuniting. Even if just a few days stood between us, John and I hugged like our lives depended on it. We clung to each other, seeing no need to be less obnoxious, draw less attention, or quiet ourselves down. I do remember last summer, though. We discussed our body slams in great depth - how we should brace ourselves for the enormity of the hugs that would be forced upon the other. He came to Marfa in late June and we also saw each other for Campmeeting - both times were epically planned "body slams." His hugs were perfect - his height, strength, flamboyancy, and scent that I miss so much.

- my mom - gave me life, raised me well, and puts up with me on a regular basis. Anytime I leave Dallas or say farewell to my mom, I feel a need to hold on tightly for a moment. There is just nothing like the touch of your mom, no matter how different you might be or no matter how frustrated yall might make each other. I love my mother deeply - saying goodbye to her is never easy. It is less dramatic than it was when I was a little 8-year old being left at summer camp but it is no less emotional for me. It might even be more so now. I have grown to adore my mom as a friend and a mother, to love her sacrifices and time and love for her family.


Marfa means...feeling at home.

raining :)

It's currently raining in Marfa, Texas. Please note: I have been waiting for a good, heavy rain since I got out here. It is about time I hear thunder, see lightening, hear the rain hitting the ground, and feel the cool breeze blowing through my open windows. It's about time that Marfa gets some of the rain that everyone else is getting! West Texas rain is my favorite smell in the entire world. John, I wish you were here to enjoy this with me.

Last night I had a very unexpected adventure. I was just dozing through "Lonesome Dove" when my friend Betty called. She never calls me so I knew she a) butt dialed me or b) needed something. Turns out, she needed a ride...to Mexico! Her mom's dog in Presidio (an hour from Marfa, 3 miles from Ojinaga - border city in Mexico) had suddenly become stiff and somewhat comatose. Betty was the only option of saving the dog but her car is not reliable enough for the drive to and from Presidio. After trying numerous other people that she knows better than I, she tried me. "Abby, are you busy tonight??" NO haha. So, together we embarked on my first trip to OJ. It's normal for many of the people out here to travel to and from Mexico. It is so close, things are significantly cheaper there, they have family in OJ...who knows why! Either way, we hurried off to Presidio, picked up the pathetic and stiffened puppy, crossed the border and worked our way to the vet. Of course, as soon as we got to the vet, little Roach (aka the puppy) decided to perk up and be normal. That would happen, wouldn't it? Well, better to be safe than sorry. I am glad that we got him to a doctor in case he HADN'T perked up. But I am also glad I finally got to see OJ. Betty drove me around the city showing all the hott spots and talking about her and her brother, Jose, lives before moving to the states. We tried a few delicious eateries and I, naturally, divulged myself in the delicious foods of a new culture. Everything was delicious, the people were more than friendly, and being with a native made me very safe.

It was an interesting, unexpected, but much appreciated detour for my day. Now I can say I have been to OJ, have seen where Jose and Betty grew up and knew since infanthood, and know that it isn't SO scary for a Gringa to go to OJ. Next time I go, though, I need to pick up some tequila and vanilla - the real deal is always better.


Marfa means...enjoying the storm from my cozy house.

latina incognito...

Have you ever cumbia'd? If you are a white girl from the city, the chances of you answering yes to this question are slim. Growing up in Dallas, cumbia was not really in my radar. I attempted, poorly might I add, to dance with a bit of "latina" flair while in Argentina and Costa Rica. Both attempts were absolute FAILS. Well, my time in Marfa has lead me to more than one opportunity to practice, and hopefully improve, my cumbia skills.

Basically, you just have to move with the music - follow the beat they said last night. Well, here's my thing: I have NO ability to follow and understand a beat. I spend so much time thinking about how silly and classically "gringa" I must appear to be that I can hardly focus on the task at hand: dancing. Last night I was at Padre's with a gang of lovely latina women. They have been cumbia'ing their entire lives - it comes naturally to them. I, on the other hand, avoid any dance that is "feeling the music" and not lead by a male's strong guidance. I just don't have that common ability to "feel" the music. So, after a brave viejo (old man for all you gringos out there...) asked me to dance, I suddenly experienced great anxiety! He did not seem to speak English, was older than my dad, an obvious natural, and was very stoic and upright. I, on the other hand, am told to be a "bouncy" dancer, love to talk to my dance partners...in English, and am NOT a natural. Poor guy - if only I knew how to warn him in Spanish... Well, it was a blast, of course. I stayed near my partner only because it would have been terribly rude and offense to walk off. I danced and got teased and laughed for the entire song - but, please note: one song in cumbia is a set of more like 3-4 songs. Great.

Either way, I had quite the experience last night. I was amongst my lovelier latina amigas who attempted to show me the ropes - how to be a Mexicana. Sadly, my disguise was not bought by anyone - everyone thought they needed to inform me that "Abby, you are so white!"...as if I didn't know? I need to keep practicing this art of being Mexican. Dance lessons and spanish speaking times are on the horizon for me. Knowing how to throw back Patron and drink Dos Equis just doesn't cut it in this town. Not if I really want to embrace the culture, that is...


Marfa means...dancing cumbia with old and sweaty men, taking shots with the older hotel employees, and going to an "after party" in a barn.

absolultely scrumptous.

Put together eggs, vanilla, and sugar and you will always be satisfied. These three ingredients are the basis of cakes, cookies, brownies, pies, and (my personal favorite) ice cream. Depending on cooking times, preparation methods, and other ingredients, you can begin with three basic items and end with some incredibly sweet, satisfying, and all-together wonderful.

Today I put this theory to the test. Using my all-time favorite baker as my guide, I baked and layered over a dozen Homemade Ice Cream Sandwiches. To me, that just sounds fancy! But, please note, it was so simple. Using a basic but sturdy chocolate cookie recipe and the best ice cream available in Marfa, Texas, I slathered the creamy deliciousness between two freshly baked (but cooled, of course) chocolate cookies. Please - EVERYONE try this at home. I quickly wrapped them up and ran a few down to the hotel. This kind of wonderful delight in life should just NOT be enjoyed alone.


Marfa means...sitting at Jett's and trying experiment drinks while Jose tries my newest creation :)

the ultimate tease.

God is the ultimate tease. He keeps surrounding Marfa with expansive storm clouds, exquisite lightening shows, rumbling thunder. All the land and towns within at least a 40 mile radius seem to be getting excellent rain and storms - all of which we can see thanks to the open space that West Texas provides. And yet, even though we close windows and bring in the drying laundry, Marfa gets little more than a sprinkling of rain. I keep waiting and anticipating the fury of the sky to fall down upon my little town. I keep hoping for the thunderous experience that a West Texas storm brings. I await the freshness and lightness of the air after a good, cleansing rain. I see it all around me but it has yet to hit Marfa!

I have a new project in mind...I will let you know more when things look more realistic. It involves Marfa, obviously, and raising money for a brave and sacrificial group here in town. If all works according to plan, it will be a really fun and exciting project. Let's hope things work out!


Marfa means...getting to actually watch a thunderstorm without being in the midst of it.

a time of reflection.

Being my first full weekend back home since my tour of Texas, I expected this to be a BIG weekend, lots of crazy stories, maybe some good pics of my fly outfits, and exhaustion. I am finishing up the weekend feeling very mellow and pensive rather than chatty and pooped. I guess this is a good thing. Maybe it's a sign of maturing that I can be chill when I go out; that I can sit back, have just one beer, and just take in the evening's experiences without being the CENTER of the experience. Or maybe it was just me being thoughtful and needing to recover from a crazy 2010. Either way, I gussied myself up last night, broke out the 4 inch heels in Marfa, and attempted a night out on the town. Like I said, it ended up being more of a relaxing and internal experience - I guess they can't all be big nights out.

This weekend has been a lonely one for me. That is a weird thought since I am with people constantly in Marfa and know lots of people from lots of different social groups. But, I have spent the afternoons at the house, reading/attempting to nap/working on watching Lonesome Dove and that allows for my mind to wonder, to consider my life as it is, and to miss John. Don't worry - it's not a dark time here in M-town for me and I'm not depressed. Just thoughtful. I have found something to be true: grief is exhausting. It takes a lot of time and always shows up again after a short absence. You get used to it being less present, the norm becomes noticing that your loved one is not there but not having to focus on that all the time because of life getting in the way. But then, one day out of the blue, it creeps back into your mind, your thoughts, your heart - infiltrating every moment and every conversation and every experience. I had myself fooled - I thought I had maybe figured everything out. Joke's on me. Missing John will be a norm for the rest of my life. Missing John has become something that I take with me to the hotel, to the bar, to dinner with friends, and as I drive through the West Texas mountains. I think the important part of grief is that you learn to continue in life, remembering the one you love, but not losing sight of your own need to really live in the midst of everything.

Here's what it feels like to lose your best friend, your soul mate: there's always an absence. Even when I'm surrounded by friends - new and old - it is evident that something is missing, something is not as it usually is. It's knowing that you don't have your ultimate wingman to share your experiences with - even if it is just via phone or text. It's not having someone to laugh at how ridiculous you are, to get angry at the stupidity of people, to plan your next experience with. It's knowing that no matter who comes and goes in life, that role that that one person filled and took on will never be filled again. That the relationship and comfort and closeness felt there will never be able to be duplicated. It's a lonely moment to realize that for me to find my "someone" in life, I have to go through the getting-to-know-you process and experience the initial awkwardness and nervousness that goes into it. In order to be totally comfortable with a guy like I was with John, I have to go through that first phase...but first I have to find someone worthy of that effort and energy. I know, I am young and have a lifetime ahead of me. Don't worry - I am not whining about my single status. I sometimes even enjoy it. I am simply trying to voice this constant loneliness of not having my best friend to share my life with - my best friend that was always "my person"as well as a good friend.

These last 6 months have aged my spirit and my soul. I feel older than 21. Not in a depressing way, just a way that only life experiences naturally bring about. In this older self, I find that I am ready to settle down, to start the next phase of life with someone to share all the moments with - to just sit and listen to the band at Padres, to join my family and I at Schlitterbahn, to watch Lonesome Dove with me, to visit me at work during lunch time. It's these little things that are normal, everyday experiences I am ready to share with someone.

Today, my MARFAlous life reminds me to LOVE the ones in your life, to enjoy the simple moments of life, to live right now - not only anticipating what will happen in the future. We have the present; God does not promise us any more time than that. Live fully, laugh openly, and love deeply.

Marfa means...going for a cup and coffee and staying for 2 hours - just because you sit to chat.

mm mm good

This is definitely an mm mm good morning here in the little white house on Texas Street. I am sipping my coffee and sitting in the kitchen. The windows are opened and I can here the town beginning to wake up - birds chirping (even with my fear, I can still appreciate morning bird songs...), dogs barking, cars headed to work or maybe home from work. I love this part of the day - sun coming up, sky is a greyish blue with the break of dawn. It's a good day here in Marfa.

Classes started Tuesday. I'm taking my speech/communications credit at Sul Ross State University. I am not worried about the class - good professor, easy subject matter, will be over after the month. However, other than a nearly 30 year old guy, I'm the oldest by far. There is a high school program at Sul Ross for high schoolers in the area to get a taste of living on their own and doing the whole college thing...that's right, they are in my class! I have high schoolers, my cousin's class has all the older returning students after a few years' break in college. Well, it should be fun. If anything, now I'll know some of the younger west Texas crowd - always good to have a few friends in different groups! Plus, one of them works at DQ...think he can hook me up??

Marfa means...amazing fried jalepenos and good company at Jett's (the hotel's restaurant)!

hello june.

Hello June - it's lovely to see you. I feel that your arrival really is the TRUE mark of the beginning of summer. Even with summer school starting today, it just has summer in the air. Most schools are out by now, the pool awaits all who can get away and take an afternoon to just soak up the sun, and watermelon/peaches/tomatoes are in every grocery store yet again. Love it! June is the first FULL month of summer. May involved finals, moving out of Lubbock and into Marfa, traveling all over our great state, and lots of family time and graduations. There were lots of different things going on. Now, it is officially summer. I start summer SCHOOL today, have plans to read and work and socialize when I'm not in class, and have a Schlitterbahn trip with the fam on the horizon. Thank you, God, for the seasons you give us and the freshness that summertime brings. Love, Abby.

a new kind of cowboy...

Today I met a new kind of cowboy. Well, not really NEW but considering the MARFAlous life's dictionary says a cowboy is one who works with cattle and horses on a ranch, wears hott jeans, sports boots on a daily basis, and has a sexy southern drawl, NEW will definitely apply here. I was at my yearly doctor checkup (one of FOUR doctor appointments I had today!) and waiting to check out. In front of me, like 3 feet ahead, stood the tall, very attractive, and very famous Troy Aikman. Yes, the man who spent many years and much energy playing for the Dallas Cowboys goes to the same doctor's office as I do. After being informed while his back was to us that the man ahead was, in fact, the famous Troy Aikman, I had a dilemma: a) do I acknowledge that fact that, sir, you are THE Troy Aikman and allow myself proper flustering and blushing time...maybe even snag an autograph?? OR b) do I attempt to be normal and merely wish him good day? In the moments I had to decide, I chose the latter. I figure that he does in fact know that he is THE Troy Aikman and would probably rather get on out of the doctor's office and on with his day.

After a sexy eye contact moment and a brief smile, we quickly wished each other good day.

Marfa means...MY CAR IS FIXED!!!

favorite desserts for "on-the-road."

Here is a top 5. After all, it is summertime and everyone needs to treat themselves for making it to this point in the year. Take a hint: go try one :)

5) Wendy's Frosty. Don't go against tradition - stick with the chocolate. It's just blasphemy to order a vanilla frosty.

4) Vanilla Cream Dr. Pepper - not an edible favorite but still delicious. It has the caffeine and sugar to keep you awake after MILE and MILES of interstate pavement, the sweet and undeniable flavor of Dr. Pepper (a texas staple...), and the creaminess of vanilla cream. Plus, we can't forget the famous Sonic Ice used to keep all their drinks lastingly cold and refreshing!

3) Sour Patch Kids. Chewy, tart, and oh so cute. I dare you to "save them for later"...

2) Dairy Queen Dipped Cone. Talk about a STAPLE for summertime sweetness. The expert combination of classic flavors: vanilla soft serve, cake cone, crunchy chocolate shell, and that unique DQ technique used in the cones. Don't worry about savoring or taking your time - it will melt faster than you can eat it!

1) And finally might not be surprising to those who know me...a DQ BLIZZARD!! John and I have tshirts claiming us as the Blizzard King and the Blizzard Queen. It's true - we are passionate and proud of our love for this tasty treat. His flavor: Oreo. Mine: Chocolate Extreme - with extra brownie please! Although, I'm choosing the Ooey Gooey Caramel Brownie more and more these days. Who can refuse the smooth caramel and chewy brownie combo??

my little white car.

I forgot to state that all of this driving, all 1300 miles of it, is not with Lola. I had to leave my beautiful red, Ford companion at home in Marfa with the car-fixer while I travel throughout our Lone Star State. I am currently traveling in a little white Hyundai. I recommend it - GOOD gas mileage, easy ride, very spacious. Granted, it's no Lola. But, not bad.

After finally making it to Midland to rent the car, I got to spend close to three hours at the sausage fest called Enterprise Rentals. It was me, the boys "working", and NO cars due to a hail storm the night before. But, as promised, I finally got the little white car, said a dieu to my new male friends, and hit the road for the next leg of my trip. Yay for rental cars, yay for good gas mileage, yay for insurance paying :)

***UPDATE: I must correct myself. My time at Enterprise was thoroughly enjoyable. I was well taken care of. The delay was due to a huge hailstorm in town the night before - the damage put all cars out of commission until they could be fixed. As soon as a car with no damage was available, I got it. Sorry for any confusion! The guys and gal of Enterprise took good care of me.

a taste of texas.

For those of you unaware, I am smack dab in the middle of an extensive texas tour. Only a true Texas lover could spend this much time in the car, see this many places, and actually enjoy each added mile. In 24 hours, I went from Marfa where there are mountains and cowboys to Midland where oil rigs decorate the horizon to San Antonio where there are rolling hills and house after house after house to El Campo where farm land and farmers make up 90% of the scenery. Talk about a day! I then proceeded to Dallas, where I am currently, for my little brother's (though he's hardly my little brother anymore) high school graduation and some family time in the Big D. He looked so sharp in the white tux that the boys wear, sitting on the outdoor stage, and taking that next step to becoming a big kid. Look at how dashing he is (with myself and the parentals):

Naomi (oldest of us three) is currently living the life of a Euro chick in Espana. We have missed her these last six months as our family had many big moments together: Christmas, a death and funeral of a beloved friend, Easter, Zac's graduation, etc. But we know she is living the adventure of a lifetime and that makes her absence a bit easier on everyone. Plus, good thing there is Skype - she joined us on Christmas morning and Valentine's Day from half-way around the world! Anyways, growing up with two domineering sisters means Zac suffered many smooches over the years. However, when I was little, I never actually put my lips to his face - he was my little brother and therefore too dirty for my lips. Here is a customary photo from last night's festivities (hermana, you have your side waiting for you...):

He is just so handsome. Sorry girls - he is very much taken!

So, here I sit in my childhood home full on yummy deliciousness that is only found in Big D. I love the food in Lubbock, I love the food in Marfa. But, coming to Dallas opens SO many doors to the world of culinary arts that are rare for those like me who, sadly, don't care to return to the city all that often. My newest realization: I HATE the city. It is great for shopping, going out to eat, and the cultural scene on occasion. But, it's not a place I need to live...ever. Lubbock is just big enough for me, Marfa just quaint enough. If you know any respectable, single men in the age group of 24-30 that prefer small town life to the city, pass along my name and number. I'm on the lookout and always up for a sneaky matchmaker moment!

Next on my agenda? Quick trip to Midland and then Marfa to pick up my car on Tuesday, San Antonio for Wednesday evening/night, and then Austin for the final grandchild's high school graduation. Weird to all be out of high school and in "the real world"...

Marfa means...a resting place before, in the midst of, and after all this traveling!

a weekend of destruction.

Well, I think it would be safest if I was given the boundaries of my porch, bedroom, and kitchen here at the Marfa house. Today I was asked what's new in my life...let me share with yall what is new since Friday night...

1) There I was driving on the ranch road home from my friend's house. Just wanted to catch up and see him for a bit. And the next thing I know, my car is up on rocks and swerving towards a large hill of earth/rock (picture a cliff that is about 15 feet high and dirt/rock mix)...then I swerve to prevent this large hill...go another probably 15 yards and end up lodged on a very large cement rock/block structure. From the moment it began until that ending atop the infamous rock, it was a good 55-60 yards of fear, panic, and trying to not flip. Actually, the fact that I DIDN'T flip or get hurt anymore than the busted oil pan is a miracle in and of itself. You know that song, "Jesus take the wheel..."?? Well, He did just that on Friday night. After an afternoon with my friend, Sam, of jacking up the car, removing said rock from underneath, and figuring out how to rope her behind his truck, we arrived back in M-town to assess the damage. What should take about 20 minutes on a paved road to get home took over an hour due to driving 10 miles an hour with a little red car behind the big, savior truck. At least Lola was safe and able to be fixed!

2) Then today I was, being the good granddaughter that I am, mowing the lawn instead of hiring someone else to do it. I had gotten into my mowing zone and was solely focused on destroying the large bush of weeds before me. They were at least 3 feet tall and a large amount of them - I thought that surely my strength, determination, and newly established mowing skills could defeat said bush. Well, I did...after busting a sneaky PVC plumbing pipe that was hidden amongst the weeds! It was a spring of fresh, delicious water flowing freely onto the very dry ground of our backyard...only, water is a limited commodity out here and it needed to be rescued, not wasted on pestering weeds! I frantically grabbed my phone and called the only logical person that could help in dire moments: my mother. Well, her being in Dallas and not being a plumber did not help too much...she instructed me to head to Wayne's across the street and then Dan's behind our house. Anyways, after about 30 minutes of the three of us (ok, just them two...I just stood by and watched) digging out the water power nozzle thing, turning off the water, replacing the chopped off top to the pvc pipe, and returning the water on, we (or maybe just they...) fixed it. In reality, it was not a huge deal thanks to my VERY generous and understanding neighbors. But, it was still yet another destructive move of mine, though not on purpose, and another life lesson to add to the books.

So, I have had my share of excitement, stupidity, and fixing problems that were probably easily prevented in the first place. Man, it's exhausting being me! The car is actually not so bad since a oil pan is nothing in comparison to what the damage could have been. The problem there is that I was supposed to leave for Houston on Tuesday for a 12 day drive/adventure throughout Texas for various graduations, family times, and friend seeings. Lola will not be accompanying me on this adventure and I am currently trying to figure out a) can I get a rental car for a decent price that insurance will cover and b) can I get back to Marfa by Saturday night?? These both need to happen as I have no dollars and I work on Sunday morning. Great.

On a lighter note and to add some humor to the post (although, both of the former scenarios definitely have elements of humor and ridiculousness...), I had a delicous dipped cone from DQ today. I was working on researching the rental car situation this afternoon when it hit me: I need...I want...I DESERVE a DQ dipped cone! Well, I am currently carless and my legs are tired from today's run and mowing adventure so I proceeded to dig out the bicycles hidden in the garage. After hauling the first to the alley, I realized it had a flat. After hauling the 2nd to the alley, I realized that biking up hill with tired legs is EXHAUSTING! But there was the creaminess of DQ soft-serve, the crunch of the cake cone, and the deliciousness of the hard chocolate shell in my vision pressing me on towards the goal: DQ. Though I am sure I looked ridiculous, I made it to this place of deliciousness and sat on the curb whilst enjoying my sweet, crunchy, chocolatey treat. What a way to end the day...until it started sprinkling and I still had to get home! Oh well. Tammy accompanied on the phone while I pedaled through a light sprinkle...I took the long route home just to avoid the dreaded hill behind the house. Trust me - it was worth the extra .3241 miles that it might have taken me.

All in all, my first weekend here in Marfa was, well, MARFAlous. It had plenty of moments to keep me on my toes, time catching up with friends, and ended with a classic treat from a classic stop. I hope you all were as active and entertained as I was this weekend but maybe a bit less destructive in the process. Happy Sunday and love from the little house on the hill.


Marfa means...small enough to bike for a needed DQ treat when your car is currently out of service.

a few thoughts.

Today I went running after work - I normally go running in the mornings, on a treadmill, and in Lubbock where the land is flat even if I did run outside. Needless to say, the run didn't go so well. I am a bit nervous that if I THOUGHT I was in shape, what out of shape looks like! Granted I haven't worked out in a few days, had a big night out (mmm cold beer) before leaving Lubbock, and ate only a few hours before running today. But still, I hurt more than I normally do. Bummer. But, in the lack of running that I did and the replacement of speed walking, I had plenty of time to think through things. Here is a blueprint of some thoughts from today's workout experience:

- There are a two things in life that I can honestly say I HATE:
1) BIRDS. Don't like them, think they're gross and disease carrying, am annoyed by a bird chirp waking me up, they can fly and I cannot. Yes, I have seen the famous movie, The Birds, but do not attribute that to my extreme dislike and even more extreme fear of the avis race. I have had far too many experiences with birds that are weird, uncanny, and a bit neurotic. I envision them flying AT me and pecking at me. It has happened before - this is not just a freakish issue I have. Today's run brought me passing under a tree as about 15 HUGE and FAT crows decided to leave the limbs and embrace the sky. If only they had waited until I was not UNDER the tree.
2) BARKING DOGS. Especially the little yappy ones. While large dogs are capable of knocking me over and destroying me, little yappy ones are the kind that most often decide to chase running girls with their annoying "yip yip yipping" and could use their extremely sharp teeth to do some serious work on my famous calves. This also happened...TWICE today. Perhaps running from stupid dogs at an extraordinary pace could be the reason I was so much more tired than normal?

- I still really really want to participate in a half-marathon. John, my best friend who is now with Jesus, was an avid runner. He spent his high school and college years planning his days and diet around running - no Dr. Pepper during season! As I got more interested in running (and joined the cross country team in HS for the sole purpose of fulfilling that dreaded sport credit...), we were able to share running stories with each other. Granted, John's mileage more than doubled mine but running is running no matter how far you can, or let yourself, go. Anyways, I would love to run a half-marathon and raise money for the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society. Maybe more research would have lead to a speedier diagnosis. Who knows. Either way, this is a goal for my life. I have put it off due to a lack of energy that both I and Gabby, my therapist who I love and completely attribute my sanity to, have decided I just don't have as I continue to experience this thing called GRIEF. But, one day, I will be at the point where I can, and will, run the entire 13 miles of a half-marathon. Until then, I will keep training to at least cover the distance - even if it, like today, includes some speed walking :)

I have prematurely restarted many online training coaches - once they tell me to go 6 or 7 miles I say PEACE - solely because it requires more distance than I am ready, or capable, of going right now. New plan: just finish the required mileage. It is a 12 week program - in 12 weeks I will be headed back to the hubcity after a refreshing summer mixed with some big "firsts" without my main man to join in on the fun. It will be good to focus on this. Readers, whoever you are if you are even there, encourage me, please. I want to finish my summer able to go 13 miles - mostly running but a bit o' walking is fine by me. This is more realistic than saying I will run them all and then just quitting out of pure defeat.

- With my newly instated running plan, I must incorporate a new eating plan. I am not in Lubbock anymore with hundreds of options for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack. No more Fuzzy's or J&M or Spoonful to entice me EVERY DAY of my life. There are plenty of delicious options here in Marfa but eating out is less of a social experience than it is in Lubtown. I can say no and eat at home without feeling like I am missing out on friend time. New eating plan: mostly just fruits, veggies, and whole grains. But I like yogurt and cheese so add that to the mix. New drinking plan: no more than 2 beers in a night. I love me some cold beer (coors light or dos equis, preferrably, but I won't be picky...) but need to know the limit. It's a defeating moment when you realize that you LITERALLY just drank your daily allowance of calories - and that is normally followed after having already eaten your daily allowance of calories...bummer dude. It makes a potentially toned ab-area a bit softer and less...well, toned. What a bummer to work out - to push through the pain and sweat like a pig (do pigs really sweat??) - only to destroy all that you just did and more by drinking! Vodka-soda with lime, PLEASE! Or maybe some gin if I'm feelin' a little bit frisky...

Now that you know my train of thought during my run, I will leave you to enjoy the first of many summer nights ahead of us. Looks like mine will entail a quick trip to the hotel to scope out the scene followed by some porch time with me, Gus and Call (for those who don't know, these extremely attractive men are the main characters of Lonesome Dove - my current and HIGHLY recommended read). I love my life...my Marfalous life (minus the freakin' buzzards flying way too closely to my house...).


Marfalous life means...you wave to a fellow driver as yall pass on the road.

HERE WE GO!

There is a Spanish saying that goes a little something like this: dinero, amor, salud y el tiempo para gozarles. In English, this translates to: money, love, health and the time to enjoy them. For Latinos, this motto is the foudation of how they live and experience life. Rather than living in the future, constantly trying to make more money or more success for future happiness, the latino culture focuses on the present moment - embracing life as it is right now to gain the most possible. Money is important only because it is used to purchase food, clothing, necessities in life. Love of friends, family, and an intimate relationship are vital to a person's well-being. What is more special than loving life and having someone to share it with? What is more foundational than the relationships with those who share your life and your experiences with you? Health of the mind as well as of the body leads to inner peace, lightheartedness, and an openness to embrace life. For the latino culture, all these things are important in life but it is most important to actually take the time to enjoy them. Without appreciating and embracing these areas of life right now and taking the time to love, be healthy, and use wealth to enhance life, they are wasted.

All this to say, I have found this theory to be true in Marfa. As I unpacked my mountains of STUFF and then walked to the hotel for courtyard drinks, I remembered the slowness of life here. People do not live as much by a schedule or in a frenzy to get from one place to the next. There are responsibilities here, yes, but the main responsibility seems to be relationships. Perhaps it's because in a small town, that's really all you have. Marfa allows for taking the time to enjoy the sunset and meet new friends just because they are sitting next to you. Marfa inspires art of all mediums. Marfa rejuvenates the soul by allowing me to appreciate each moment rather than hurry to the next best thing.

Here I sit on my porch with Patsy Cline crooning through the open windows, the neighbor's horse neighing in the nearby pasture, kids squealing at the playground, and the peaceful breeze rustling through the trees. Already I feel the drug of being where I belong, where I love most, pumping life back into me. After a semester of life changing moments, heavy course load, relationship changes, and overall heartbreak, it is nice to feel and see this opportunity of rejuvenation ahead of me. I am so eager to embrace each moment given to me out here. I know that another summer in Marfa, another summer home, will be just what I need to persevere through my final year of college before making this a permanent move.

gone home.

Spring break this year was not the most exciting nor the most exotic in my lifetime. In the 21 years that I have been "spring breaking", I have been to Europe, Orlando, New York, all over Texas, cruised the Caribbean, and even had a crazy week in Argentina. This year was a little different. Normally, if i have nothing "exciting" planned, I will gladly pack my lovely Lola (my car...) and head West - after all, I leave my heart there...you can only go so long without your heart.

But, this year I opted for an even more calm and relaxing itinerary than Marfa would allow (I actually have a social life there - not so much relaxing as refreshing anymore...) and headed south! I braced myself for possibly destructive levels of humidity and headed to Houston with my good friend, Tammy. We did a few nights at my grandmother's farm (we all call her Sita and him Papacito, just fyi) as well as a few nights at Tammy's house. We saw the southern coast (sadly, too much wind meant no beach time for us pasty gals), ate more than necessary of pound cake and beans and yummy cuisines NOT found in Lubbock, had quality family time, and saw the Houston Rodeo. Basically, it was a big time. Then, on Wednesday, I flew home to Dallas for a few days with my family before Tammy picked me up and chaperoned me back to the Hub City. I now sit, still in my towel wrap, in my unpacked room with nothing but slowly returning to reality on my agenda until Monday afternoon. Mmm...

Even though Dallas is where I grew up, home to me is Marfa, Lubbock, and whereever my family is - preferably that is Marfa :) I love my childhood home - best kitchen around - and would never change where I grew up. I only return, though, because it means I get to see and just BE with my family. I rarely venture out of the house unless it's a family outing...or for a quick Gap run to make sure they dont have any new necessities... I just love being with my family - normally, this means eating or napping or watching multiple movies. But the fact that they are there, with me, is what matters the most.

So, all this said, Dallas this trip was a scary thing for me. I knew I wanted to see my family and be with them for a few days but I also knew there would be a lot of "moments" for me. You see, I use "moments" to refer to those heartwrenching, tear-activating moments in my life that trigger the sadness and loneliness I normal can distract myself from feeling. This was the first time for me to be home since John died. He used to love my room - it was always where he stayed when he spent the night or house sat. I don't know how I feel about my room anymore. It was very isolated from the rest of the house. To me, it is a room of sadness and absence. It is where I spent my first night without my person - where I cried myself to sleep because that was the only way to face the loneliness that his death ensued. It's the little things that tug at my heart - like not having him to text "And we're OFF!" as Tammy and I headed back to school...or how Zac and I drive with our knees (a trick learned and perfected from John)...or eating at the SAME table at Mi Cocina, his favorite restaurant, when the last time I was there was with him...or passing gas stations on the highway that I remember telling him about...or driving down the very roads that I had to endure as I rode to say my final goodbye to someone who means so much to me. It's a lot of little moments, mostly firsts for me, that I had to endure these last few days. It wasn't until I was out of Ft Worth that it really hit me that I have so much missing of John left. I have so many more firsts without him left that it is scary. I can't let myself think about them - if I do, my relaxing few days left will turn into an emotional exhaustion period.

I guess the whole point in today's blurb is that, two months into "Johnlessness", I think I hurt more than I did two DAYS into it. It is more real to me now. Even going home is emotionally exhausting - almost to the point of avoiding it completely. And yet, these moments must be faced, head on. There's no getting around the fact that my best friend, my companion in everything, is no longer joining in with me. Just like I had to face being home in order to enjoy quality family time, I must face every other moment that comes my way in order to really enjoy the life I have.

I guess that's all I really have... Even when I am not in Marfa, I must live a MARFALOUS life! It is vital to one's well-being that they embrace the moments of each day just as I embraced my Marfa experience last summer. Just because I am not physically in Marfa, my heart is, and thus I still am living my Marfalous life :)

welcome back.

four months since my last entry.
That was enough time for four major holidays to pass, for a series of semester exams to pass and another semester to start. Four months has meant many snow storms, a few nights out, and many Marfa trips for me. The last four months has also signified the most influential moments of my life so far.

On January 25, 2010 - nearly a month ago - my best friend, John, passed away. He fought a fierce battle against cancer but his body was so weak from the fight that it could not defend itself from an infection. It was a quick farewell as he went from normal to very ill in a matter of hours. I could spend PAGES writing about him. I have started a series of letters to him since his death - that alone is quite long so far. In those letters, I tell John the things that I would normally tell him via text message or phone calls. We did not get to see each other that often but we would whittle away the hours with a constant conversation. Very rarely would you find us NOT in a texting conversation with each other. Mom got mad at me many times because I was texting John instead of giving her my full attention.

Since he was raised in Valentine, Texas (20 miles from Marfa), we laid him to rest in the Valentine Cemetery where his grave overlooks the family ranch and the West Texas mountains. He would love the view that he scored for sure. After a few days with my family and his, I went to Marfa to regroup and finish out the weekend before school started back. This was the one time in my entire life that I can ever remember WANTING to leave West Texas, wanting to get away from the mountains and the open sky, wanting to be back at school and my reality. Being out there, a place that John and I shared a deep passion for, only made his absence that much more obvious to me. Add to the already present sorrow, I was in the Marfa house alone for two nights - way too much time to be alone with your thoughts after such a life-changing experience. The Marfa house is normally a place of refuge and energizing myself - it is a place for me to just chill and regroup. That weekend, it was a place filled with memories of John, a place that only further showed how alone he has left me.

Now, I know I am not ALONE - there are tons of people who love me and have been reaching out to me these last four weeks. But, I have been left behind by my best friend, my soul mate and partner in crime. I lack a relationship that truly helped establish who I am as an individual - a relationship that has consumed my mind and heart for the last six years. However, I am also so very aware of the aloneness that he has left in my romantic world. You see, not only was John my best friend and second half, he was my "person"- my preferred date to events, my shoulder to cry on or to complain to, my partner when everyone else had a significant other. I wasn't asked to Senior Prom because people thought I had "a guy in Lubbock" that I was with...that was John. Story of our lives! So many times we confused people because we were NOT together or in any kind of relationship other than just good friends. But, we were that person for each other - this is probably why neither of us had a significant other in the last six years - we did not need one.

His death has left such a hole in my life. Right now, I am not really living the "Marfalous life" of last summer. I now know sorrow and deep heartbreak - a heartbreak that is only made less painful with time. I now know what it is like to lose someone you love more than yourself, to regret that last conversation with someone or the last time you saw them. I know the sorrow to the depths of who I am that is seen in a funeral scene. I know what cancer really means. Since I last wrote in this blog, I have wept and feared and even wanted to not be in Marfa - all very odd emotions. Right now, I cannot wait to return to Marfa - I need time there to let West Texas heal my heart and to feel needed again, wanted again. Hopefully that time will come sooner than expected.